Todays entry is about me - Tachi/Renge/Ukyo/Sensei/Will/Goober/Baka
I've spent a lot of time anylizing everyone else, assuming I've got it down right... I've told my self a hundred times that I'd be the best, that I had the ansers. That i was right.
I'm not, probably never will be. I try to get my feet on the ground and can't manage it. Now more than ever I wish I could just pick -one- passion. Music, martial arts, art, architecture, wisdom... there are far too many thigns for me to pursue them to the extent I'd like. I wish I could split myself appart and dedicate myself wholey to a task with each self and come back to myself at the end of the day and just automatically comprehend and utilize what i've done for a single day... I feel as though I know the universe. as if I soley understand everythign, and the way thigns are is terribly wrong and distorted from how life should be... how life would be in a natrual state. But then all the things I see around me are so present and familiar, and one look at my guitar and my bokken keep my abitious mind from attaining the motiveation it needs to seek enlightenment. ... Then I listen to someone like Steve Vai, Jason Becker or Vinnie Moore, and i'm spurned by their music, in how effortlessly they play, never a funny note... Then I play and think... I can play like that, but I'm not...
It never ends... I just can't find somethign the world needs that I'm capable of. Music is nice but it's not necesscary... Martial arts are handy, but violence the world surely doesn't need. Thought is grand, but action is needed for anything... But the wrong action takes two more correct actions at minimum to render nutral - but not always as some actions can't be undone... There is little I can do that isn't already done, and theres nothing remarkable about doing what's been done already... You can only wait inline for your 10 seconds of fame and try and hold onto it by tearing down someone elses ideas and actions so they don't take your place...
I hate that, life is so trecherous... theres no space to breath.. I want to climb mountains, acomplish great things... I want everyone to know my name... but I don't want to be in the spot light? I just don't understand... I'm like a ballon that doesn't want to be blown up.. because I know I'll wear out... I have this recurring dream where I've accomplished so much in the space of a few years and then all the sudden I'm dead... and everyone would constantly talk about me... I don't want to die... I don't want to run out of fuel - I don't want to be talked about in past tense...
There must be another way... in a world as big as this, with a universe of this size there must be -something- else that can be done to attain my goals. I dont understand why we have to all be alike... it makes no sense.
I've spent a lot of time anylizing everyone else, assuming I've got it down right... I've told my self a hundred times that I'd be the best, that I had the ansers. That i was right.
I'm not, probably never will be. I try to get my feet on the ground and can't manage it. Now more than ever I wish I could just pick -one- passion. Music, martial arts, art, architecture, wisdom... there are far too many thigns for me to pursue them to the extent I'd like. I wish I could split myself appart and dedicate myself wholey to a task with each self and come back to myself at the end of the day and just automatically comprehend and utilize what i've done for a single day... I feel as though I know the universe. as if I soley understand everythign, and the way thigns are is terribly wrong and distorted from how life should be... how life would be in a natrual state. But then all the things I see around me are so present and familiar, and one look at my guitar and my bokken keep my abitious mind from attaining the motiveation it needs to seek enlightenment. ... Then I listen to someone like Steve Vai, Jason Becker or Vinnie Moore, and i'm spurned by their music, in how effortlessly they play, never a funny note... Then I play and think... I can play like that, but I'm not...
It never ends... I just can't find somethign the world needs that I'm capable of. Music is nice but it's not necesscary... Martial arts are handy, but violence the world surely doesn't need. Thought is grand, but action is needed for anything... But the wrong action takes two more correct actions at minimum to render nutral - but not always as some actions can't be undone... There is little I can do that isn't already done, and theres nothing remarkable about doing what's been done already... You can only wait inline for your 10 seconds of fame and try and hold onto it by tearing down someone elses ideas and actions so they don't take your place...
I hate that, life is so trecherous... theres no space to breath.. I want to climb mountains, acomplish great things... I want everyone to know my name... but I don't want to be in the spot light? I just don't understand... I'm like a ballon that doesn't want to be blown up.. because I know I'll wear out... I have this recurring dream where I've accomplished so much in the space of a few years and then all the sudden I'm dead... and everyone would constantly talk about me... I don't want to die... I don't want to run out of fuel - I don't want to be talked about in past tense...
There must be another way... in a world as big as this, with a universe of this size there must be -something- else that can be done to attain my goals. I dont understand why we have to all be alike... it makes no sense.
posted by Renge at 3/30/2002 12:40:00 PM
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