Jealously. Frusteration. Anger.

I think when I narrow it down, these are my major flaws. When is see someone who's better than myself at something in my view, I get jealous very quickly, and most of the time with out reason, or atleast a good reason for it. This in turn causes me to get frusterated about it, in most cases it's because they're the same age as myself - they've had the same amount of time or opportunity to practice or not practice, understand or not understand, as I have - and somehow managed to get through that same amount of time further ahead than myself. This in turn makes me angry, not only at them for being better than me, and even more so if their a nice person who recognizes the difference between us and offers benevolently to help me understand, but angry at myself as well, for not having been able to do it on my own.

My pride often times disallows me from accepting this gracious offer of help, insisting that I need to learn it on my own with out help, and it just slams the breaks on me even more making loose end in my life flare up and trip me up, which normally causes me to fall face first into the hardest objects in the world. I know the answer is to change, but I don't have enough patience to discipline myself to the degree I want. Most people I've seen so far do as little as possible to get by and it works for them, they've always got what they want it seems.

Nathan's a good example, he's better than me in a lot of ways. I'd go so far as to say he's more book smart, wiser, stronger, - just better all the way around - and yet he's made so many obvious mistakes with his life, things I was always smart enough - or so I thought - to avoid. Things like being homeless for extended periods of time, drinking binges, smoking, nearly od'ing on drugs - it just boggles my mind that he can be so on top of his game.

Here I've been the Assistant Team Leader for some months now and finally got a week of responsibility all on my own and nothing bad happened, but none of these guys respect my authority. I'd attribute this partly to Jon's lack of discipline for the team. There are a number of things that Jon should do in my view that he doesn't - but he's a hippy, I can't expect much if anything from him.

I look at all these different things I've learned from Buddhism, from Kung fu, from Daoism, from my own experiance, and then I compare it to someone like Nathan and I think "Good christ I'm wearing blinders, what is it that I'm missing." - The answer it seems is obviously myself. My belief that the problem is external seems to be a flowed notion at best, I do the same things as those in leadership, yet I am not a leader. Why?

Any number of things could be the cause but their all problems I think I've created for myself, partly based on my circumstances as a child. But I'm reminded of Randall lectuing Dante at the end of Clerks, and then again after they fight. It just makes me want to drop everything and pick one thing and one thing only and become completely detatched from everything but that and just *do* it - what ever it is.

But what do i choose, and why?

Kendo? Guitar? Work? Love? Edjucation?

It's not so simple a choice, and any one of these choices will have profound consiquences which will alter my life completely and totally. Sadly, not making a choice, living life in stand by... makes things worse day by day.

I have to find the answer, and I have to do it by the time summer hits, and then, reguardless of the consiquences, i've gotta take what comes, and I have to win that trial. This is gonna be hard.