On Life.
As I sit here now it's almost ten PM Puerto Rican time, in effect, 8 pm my time. That word, time. What a useful useful word. It doesn't mean anything I thought it did though. I can't believe I had so many preconceived notions on what time was, what it was for, what it was about, why we have it, had it, lost it, forgot about it, ... that one work, along with a plethora of other words. Respect, Honor, Loyalty, Trust, Viture, Understanding, Realization, Wisdom, Hatred, Anger, Happyness, - Love.
These are elements I'd thought I knew the meanings of, the deffinition, and application of each. Being here, letting ocean water carry my foot prints away into the sea, breathing the air as thick as can be. The sea breeze is so sensual. The way it's depicted in movies and books, stories of any kind... It all pales in comparison to the genuine article. Even the grass is so much different here. Sharing a kiss on the spikey grass infront of the Wall of El Morro with the sun setting behind the wall... I can't even describe the way it felt. Imagine Will, years from now reguardless of what may happen your dream of the Raven Hair Girl you never could see the face of was with YOU -there- doing exactly what your dream described. The irony is you couldn't ever tell what it was you were doing there, or with who. Your own idiotic behavior placed so many attatchments to that dream it became unhealthy - dangerous even. But - lucky for you my Karma king, it worked out. YOu got extremely lucky. You plane didn't crash, you didn't have any problems with anyone, - you entered into a whole new realm of people who's minds function completely differently from your own - it's a whole different spectrum of thought - one you discarded as nonsese. My dear William - you're an idiot.
But - You still figured it out. The dumbest of things oftne cause you to become dissatisfied with the world around you. The phrase "how can one fool make another wise" applies most significantly when applied along the lines of introversion. There was nothing outside you that could have made you better. Infact - the only thing it did was stir up the contents of your self making it even -harder- to see light purely, on a single plain. Everything you wanted to see so clearly, got skewed and distorted because your mind kept trying to go outside it'self .
YOU met Karla long time ago. And because of your feelings about her, you kept yourself in stand by mode for a long long time. YOu dated kate because you couldn't date Karla. You didn't go to school early on the premis of not wanting to lose your "innocence" when in fact you'd discarded that a long time ago - and like a hard boiled egg, just assumed your soft skin still in the shape of innoence was infact innocence. That was your quintisential mistake - and it sent you spinning my friend.
YOu got even more used to this extreme form of mind because of the narrow sight you allowed yourself to exhibit as a result of not questioning your surroundings - following blindly and staring at your feet constantly because "someone told you to".
Somewhere, somehow, you found a tool - Guitar. and it helped you settle back down, but it wasn't enough and you went spinning faster and harder. You were confused though - you thought that THIS was progress, when in fact you were farther and farther from the truth. It's like centrifigal force. Actions that are normal under rotational force feel more natrual the more pressure is put upon you. Centrifigal force however is -not- a normal frame of mind for a human to exhibit - it smears, warps and distorts the actuality, making your reality like some kind of psychodelic dream to which no answer makes sense. When that ball breaks free of the chain though, all of that action is changed from rotational to linier - and OFF YOU GO. You suddenly allow your mind to latch to -one- thing - nothing ness. It landed you in Puerto Rico, pretty hard do. Griselle called you her "Son" atleast 7 times today alone, and probly a dozen or so more times since you've been here.
Even Karla's Father Waldo treats you like a son. You and Karla, whether you make it or not, have some of the best examples of how people "should be" - and perhaps karmaiacly - or just out of plain old coincidence - it happened very close to the equator - the middle of the planet. YOu and your stupid notions of being the best always drove you to extreems. Too far north, too hard, not at all, to hot, too cold, you've never been able to just sit the fuck down and relax. - And then you hear Karla in Old San Jaun "Look Up". Waldo showed you so many things you didn't know about the guitar it almost made you cry. Griselle showed you the kind of playfulness your own mother has never had, and the kind of warmth and charm you always wanted in a mother. Karla's extended family on her mothers side, the Torres Family if memory serves, also showed you the things you were searching for. How a family should be close, how they should unite. You've never placed any importance on family - well place some now. Decide Will. Think hard, but not too hard. The signals are allll around you - LOOK UP. YOu know how now. You've planted a seed in your mind finally - something real, and something worth while. Now bury it and this time - TAKE CARE OF IT. It's a living thing - just like what you thought you had in that stupid dream world of yours where Steve Vai was god and guitar was the religeon. That place does not exist - and it never will. The thing that "Hand On Heart" meant to you wasn't salvation, or grace, or care. It was Reference. YOu've always been a litteral guy. Hand on heart was your bearings. You've always over thought things - and cluster fucked the simplest of things - you can't even win a game of tic-tac-toe because you over think so often. You are litteral, Become abstract. In your own mind you left a warning for yourself. You -knew- even when you were a small child that your emotions, how you felt, what you wanted, that was what you valued over everything else. Hand on heart means HAND ON HEART. - The thing you held onto most - the center of the centrifigal force you put yourself through. That ball at the end of the chain? It was acctually in the center the whole time - the ball you thought that broke free when you solved that Koan "What is the sound of one hand clapping" - your answer was "My Mind". In zen terms yes, thats true. You're not very zen will. Stop trying to be a master. You're not that calibur a person initially, masters take -years-. LIFE TIMES to become so - you're not that old - so stop shooting your mouth off, just practice. You know your heart is was you follow, so follow it. Don't be stupid, you know what that means too . But don't over think shit. Just stay in the middle and for the love of everything and anything that is sweet and holy in this world DO NO FUCK UP THIS TIME!!!!
- On a brighter note, she's leaning on your shoulder and hasn't slapped you yet - So far so good eh? ^_~ that'll be the lecturing you'll need for a good many years to come. Show some gratitude boy! be Proud, Stand tall - but REMEMBER TO LOOK UP!!!!!!!!
Now go. You're on vacation - dork.
These are elements I'd thought I knew the meanings of, the deffinition, and application of each. Being here, letting ocean water carry my foot prints away into the sea, breathing the air as thick as can be. The sea breeze is so sensual. The way it's depicted in movies and books, stories of any kind... It all pales in comparison to the genuine article. Even the grass is so much different here. Sharing a kiss on the spikey grass infront of the Wall of El Morro with the sun setting behind the wall... I can't even describe the way it felt. Imagine Will, years from now reguardless of what may happen your dream of the Raven Hair Girl you never could see the face of was with YOU -there- doing exactly what your dream described. The irony is you couldn't ever tell what it was you were doing there, or with who. Your own idiotic behavior placed so many attatchments to that dream it became unhealthy - dangerous even. But - lucky for you my Karma king, it worked out. YOu got extremely lucky. You plane didn't crash, you didn't have any problems with anyone, - you entered into a whole new realm of people who's minds function completely differently from your own - it's a whole different spectrum of thought - one you discarded as nonsese. My dear William - you're an idiot.
But - You still figured it out. The dumbest of things oftne cause you to become dissatisfied with the world around you. The phrase "how can one fool make another wise" applies most significantly when applied along the lines of introversion. There was nothing outside you that could have made you better. Infact - the only thing it did was stir up the contents of your self making it even -harder- to see light purely, on a single plain. Everything you wanted to see so clearly, got skewed and distorted because your mind kept trying to go outside it'self .
YOU met Karla long time ago. And because of your feelings about her, you kept yourself in stand by mode for a long long time. YOu dated kate because you couldn't date Karla. You didn't go to school early on the premis of not wanting to lose your "innocence" when in fact you'd discarded that a long time ago - and like a hard boiled egg, just assumed your soft skin still in the shape of innoence was infact innocence. That was your quintisential mistake - and it sent you spinning my friend.
YOu got even more used to this extreme form of mind because of the narrow sight you allowed yourself to exhibit as a result of not questioning your surroundings - following blindly and staring at your feet constantly because "someone told you to".
Somewhere, somehow, you found a tool - Guitar. and it helped you settle back down, but it wasn't enough and you went spinning faster and harder. You were confused though - you thought that THIS was progress, when in fact you were farther and farther from the truth. It's like centrifigal force. Actions that are normal under rotational force feel more natrual the more pressure is put upon you. Centrifigal force however is -not- a normal frame of mind for a human to exhibit - it smears, warps and distorts the actuality, making your reality like some kind of psychodelic dream to which no answer makes sense. When that ball breaks free of the chain though, all of that action is changed from rotational to linier - and OFF YOU GO. You suddenly allow your mind to latch to -one- thing - nothing ness. It landed you in Puerto Rico, pretty hard do. Griselle called you her "Son" atleast 7 times today alone, and probly a dozen or so more times since you've been here.
Even Karla's Father Waldo treats you like a son. You and Karla, whether you make it or not, have some of the best examples of how people "should be" - and perhaps karmaiacly - or just out of plain old coincidence - it happened very close to the equator - the middle of the planet. YOu and your stupid notions of being the best always drove you to extreems. Too far north, too hard, not at all, to hot, too cold, you've never been able to just sit the fuck down and relax. - And then you hear Karla in Old San Jaun "Look Up". Waldo showed you so many things you didn't know about the guitar it almost made you cry. Griselle showed you the kind of playfulness your own mother has never had, and the kind of warmth and charm you always wanted in a mother. Karla's extended family on her mothers side, the Torres Family if memory serves, also showed you the things you were searching for. How a family should be close, how they should unite. You've never placed any importance on family - well place some now. Decide Will. Think hard, but not too hard. The signals are allll around you - LOOK UP. YOu know how now. You've planted a seed in your mind finally - something real, and something worth while. Now bury it and this time - TAKE CARE OF IT. It's a living thing - just like what you thought you had in that stupid dream world of yours where Steve Vai was god and guitar was the religeon. That place does not exist - and it never will. The thing that "Hand On Heart" meant to you wasn't salvation, or grace, or care. It was Reference. YOu've always been a litteral guy. Hand on heart was your bearings. You've always over thought things - and cluster fucked the simplest of things - you can't even win a game of tic-tac-toe because you over think so often. You are litteral, Become abstract. In your own mind you left a warning for yourself. You -knew- even when you were a small child that your emotions, how you felt, what you wanted, that was what you valued over everything else. Hand on heart means HAND ON HEART. - The thing you held onto most - the center of the centrifigal force you put yourself through. That ball at the end of the chain? It was acctually in the center the whole time - the ball you thought that broke free when you solved that Koan "What is the sound of one hand clapping" - your answer was "My Mind". In zen terms yes, thats true. You're not very zen will. Stop trying to be a master. You're not that calibur a person initially, masters take -years-. LIFE TIMES to become so - you're not that old - so stop shooting your mouth off, just practice. You know your heart is was you follow, so follow it. Don't be stupid, you know what that means too . But don't over think shit. Just stay in the middle and for the love of everything and anything that is sweet and holy in this world DO NO FUCK UP THIS TIME!!!!
- On a brighter note, she's leaning on your shoulder and hasn't slapped you yet - So far so good eh? ^_~ that'll be the lecturing you'll need for a good many years to come. Show some gratitude boy! be Proud, Stand tall - but REMEMBER TO LOOK UP!!!!!!!!
Now go. You're on vacation - dork.
posted by Renge at 7/27/2003 07:19:00 PM
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