I just spent the most amazing two hours of my life on the ph one with Karla. We're so enthrawled with eachother we caught eachother kissing our phone receivers. 8 days to go... sorta. I'm supppoooosed to be asleep right now, but I can't sleep, the emotional roller coaster is movin tooo fast - I can't focus on anything but how I feel about her, and I feel very strongly about her, and think about her alot *l*

It's funny, I've never had this sorta connection with anyone else before, and it's big and it's bright and it's good. I'm just... on top of the world. I can explain it beleive it or not, but I'm not going to. Suffice it to say that the juxtaposition between here and my self is no more than the width of rice paper. I can't wait to break through.

I'm so gi ddy about it I have my messengers turned off, because she wants me to sleep, and I want to as well, but I have to blog this now, while it's still fresh in my mind. LIstening to Vai - Hand on Heart, - and man does it make some sense. It's amazing, I get it. I just wanna hold her so bad though, I'm thinking more about her than my "first love" - music. I have band practice in 3 hours and I'm not the slightest bit sleepy or fatigued, she's got me pegged, thats for sure.

We talked about holding hands, long walks, kissing, hugging, cuddling, the future, everything you hear about in the movies. All that ranting I usually do about how if you want something to be that way, then be that way and that's the way it'll be? I was right, Love is as wonderful or as wretched as you make it.

I've always known there was a certain way to fall in love too, and each time I've tried prior to fall in love or be in love it ultimately failed because I knew I was doing it wrong, I wasn't completely interested or completely dedicated to it. To me it always seemed that it should be friends first - you start with a mind you can count on day after day to change, but still remain alive and fresh, and resilliant to the vast majority of crap that you'll give them and the world as well. Like wise you must be the same way for that person. Next you start thinking "I wonder...." and you wonder about that persons future, and if you are meant to love that person, your chest will get warm and tingle and your heart will swell, you'll feel it, physically, and your state of thought about that person goes from mental, to emotional. At that point you will start to naturally, although it probably feels unnatural at the time, to behave differently, less confidently, perhaps bashfully around that person. This will go on until you can look that person in the eye so to speak, with out feeling bashful or ashamed or guilty or anxious, but rather, full of wonder, excitment and adventure, and perhaps maybe a bit curious too. When these things happen in more or less the same time frame with each person now both the mind and the heart are connected to eachother from person to person. When one or the other gets the courage to admit this and say "I love you" - well, at that point the heart and mind within your self see eye to eye as well. If this happens on both sides simotaneously well - you have Love.

The last step with love, in my view, is the physical sensations, in particular, intimatcy. Most people take the exact opposite approach to love than what I do, as a result we have alot of mistrusting, broken hearted, fearful, mean, malicious, over cautious, pretenious, advantageous people in the world. People want love so badly, but most of them don't know what it is, most people don't want to take the time to develope it, and it boggles my mind. I can't understand why anyone wouldn't want to take the time to understand it. But I do know why it's so. To fall in love, truly, deeply and with absolute resolve a person has to understand, accept, recognize, accept, and control who and what they are. Most people -never- attain this, I don' t know that I've attained this either. In Buddism there is a Sanskrit word: Sramana. It means to be absorbed in the practice of self-perfection. I do not belive that true love can exist between two people who do not constantly and continually practice Sramana. Karla pushes herself to understand the world around her, and she pushes her self to change and develope her art work as well - she is an incredible young woman. Similarly, I push my self with zazen to enlighten my mind, to play my guitar better, to write music better, become a leader, understand the world and people around me, and better function with true purpose in mind at all times. I know why I exist, where I come from, what I'm supposed to be doing, - I understand what it's all for now, and I owe that realization to a number of things around me. Karla, Jeff, Jon, my parents, my job, Steve Vai, kendo, kung fu, Zen, art, music, science. The culmination of life currently is what allowed my to realize I am ultimately the one responsible for the world I see around me, not anyone else.

So now I understand that I am responsible for how I feel about Karla, and as much as I know I should not say this until I meet her, I've known her for 6 years, our minds are linked, and the heart moves so much more quickly than the mind ever has, faster than gravity to a lightning bolt. MY heart goes out to her, and I know with out a doubt that hers goes out to mine, the juxtaposition is nearing its end and soon enough I will have fallen head over heels with hand on heart, in love, with Karla.

The countdown is armed and ticking - 8 days to go untill Maithunya-Agara in Puerto Rico as a result of Sramana and Zazen. Love - it's a zen thing, sorta ^_~

And Karla, if you read this, ^_~ ... *(blank)* - (You know... ^_~)