Aaaaaaaaah. Clean, awake, happy. Let the good times roll. 10 days to Puerto Rico. I feel like a teenager again. There was so much about "fun" I never understood. I always had this holier than thou attitude about it. I never saw the need for fun, or understood why everyone was so hung up on it. Well - I get it now. I get it, and I -like- it. When I was a young kid I hated change. If my dad shaved I just became mortified - my world had changed. The stupid shit I thought when i was a kid. Man *l* it's enough to bring a guy to tears with just how -stupid- I was. I don't think I really latched onto what "change" was or what "time" was until I was like... 18? I never saw a need to push myself or test my limits because I didn't understand change. I didn't understand that I wasn't the same person every single day. I was really good and creating illusions and lies for myself though. I knew I wanted to be this great guy ya know - movie star leadin male role kinda guy. I always saw myself as the hero and the like. When it came to real life though I was always so goddamned scared of everything. I was affraid to audition for solo spots in choir, I was afraid to join a sports team because I couldn't ever open my mind passed what I was - I was scare to death of change, it mortified every fiber of my being saying "this isn't normal, go back, stop, turn around, sit down, shut up, and let someone else do it - you'll fuck it up and they'll all laugh at you."
I would lie about to stupidest things too! Oh my god how lame I was - I can't believe people let me live after some of the whoppers I told em, my parents especially. Granted they were some shitty parents, but I certainly wasn't perfect then, and I'm not now. I guess I was just such a needy wanty bastard I felt as if I was above them and didn't owe them an explaination for much of anything. I guess the root of all the lies I told though wasa lack of self confidence and self esteem. I was the kid who knew everything but wouldn't or couldn't prove it, had everything but wouldn't show you, had been everywhere, - I was the greatest at everything, blah blah blah. Oh lord no I wasn't. I was full of shit. I refused to acctually gain experiance because I was so goddamned afraid of everything. I know now where that fear came from, and that was the example I followed from my father - the man who was ever backing down from everything himself, blaming the world for all of his troubles. Really he never changed, and largely he hasn't changed much since I've known him. But really I don't hold it against him now.
But because I never bothered to push myself I never understood just how valuable time was then or is now. If I had it to do over again I'd have done it much differently. But I don't. I have to deal with what I've got. So for the next few years I'll be mixing spirited Teenaged Fun with Adult responsibility and discipline, combined with the insight and judgement of zen in the context of a student, musician and perhaps even as a leader and boyfriend. What ever is going on down the road for me it isn't for me - its for who ever is there now. I've spent my whole life being behind the crowd and behind the times. Now It's just time to accept the fact that the ship I had a boarding pass for has sailed and that I deliberately chose not to get on the bloody ship.
I learned a lot on shore though. I've learned plenty more than I'd have ever thought possible, and I sure as hell took the long way around too. But I learned to swim, learned how to build a boat, so to speak. Really it's just time to experiance shit. I'll be going to alot more shows now, playing out more gigs. taking the time to understand things as I learn them blah blah blah. Basically fuck trying to catch up. I'm here now, and for the last 21 years I haven't done shit with them I've just kinda acknolwedged that time was moving and that I was changing, but I was still trying to catch up to the people I knew - tried to get back on the boat. I almost made it, probably could have made it too - but I held back, twice - and on purpose because I knew I had no idea what to do when I got on that boat.
No biggie though. So for now I'm going to focus on here and now. Coincidentally that was the last corner stone I needed in my quest to understand leadership *l* - god I'm an idiot.
Anyhow. I'm still in a great mood, 2 hours before work and I'm feeling awesome. I'm acctually excited to go to work for a change. Who'da thunk it.
I would lie about to stupidest things too! Oh my god how lame I was - I can't believe people let me live after some of the whoppers I told em, my parents especially. Granted they were some shitty parents, but I certainly wasn't perfect then, and I'm not now. I guess I was just such a needy wanty bastard I felt as if I was above them and didn't owe them an explaination for much of anything. I guess the root of all the lies I told though wasa lack of self confidence and self esteem. I was the kid who knew everything but wouldn't or couldn't prove it, had everything but wouldn't show you, had been everywhere, - I was the greatest at everything, blah blah blah. Oh lord no I wasn't. I was full of shit. I refused to acctually gain experiance because I was so goddamned afraid of everything. I know now where that fear came from, and that was the example I followed from my father - the man who was ever backing down from everything himself, blaming the world for all of his troubles. Really he never changed, and largely he hasn't changed much since I've known him. But really I don't hold it against him now.
But because I never bothered to push myself I never understood just how valuable time was then or is now. If I had it to do over again I'd have done it much differently. But I don't. I have to deal with what I've got. So for the next few years I'll be mixing spirited Teenaged Fun with Adult responsibility and discipline, combined with the insight and judgement of zen in the context of a student, musician and perhaps even as a leader and boyfriend. What ever is going on down the road for me it isn't for me - its for who ever is there now. I've spent my whole life being behind the crowd and behind the times. Now It's just time to accept the fact that the ship I had a boarding pass for has sailed and that I deliberately chose not to get on the bloody ship.
I learned a lot on shore though. I've learned plenty more than I'd have ever thought possible, and I sure as hell took the long way around too. But I learned to swim, learned how to build a boat, so to speak. Really it's just time to experiance shit. I'll be going to alot more shows now, playing out more gigs. taking the time to understand things as I learn them blah blah blah. Basically fuck trying to catch up. I'm here now, and for the last 21 years I haven't done shit with them I've just kinda acknolwedged that time was moving and that I was changing, but I was still trying to catch up to the people I knew - tried to get back on the boat. I almost made it, probably could have made it too - but I held back, twice - and on purpose because I knew I had no idea what to do when I got on that boat.
No biggie though. So for now I'm going to focus on here and now. Coincidentally that was the last corner stone I needed in my quest to understand leadership *l* - god I'm an idiot.
Anyhow. I'm still in a great mood, 2 hours before work and I'm feeling awesome. I'm acctually excited to go to work for a change. Who'da thunk it.
posted by Renge at 7/12/2003 06:52:00 PM
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