Evidence.

Lately, the meaning of many things has become evident. Ever since I went down to the Kanzeon last week things have been on a different path. Wide observations come to me in flashes I can't understand in what I would consider to be deja vu, even though the scope of whats happening in these fits is not yet clear to me.

I don't know if I'm halucinating, or if I'm becomming one, or if it's just coincidence. I already don't believe in coincidence, and I already believe in karma.

Where I have trouble with all this is how do I make up my mind on what to pursue. Do I read about these experiences and seek out their meaning. Or do I go to the Kanzeon on sunday and ask the Roshi.

Unlike most things, I feel a strange sense of immediacy about this, as if somehow this can't wait any longer, that there is no further to go. That somehow I've already arrived, I just can't figure out where I am.

At night I feel as though my whole being cracks appart, and not at the seams. It's as though I'm cracking apart like an egg. I don't know which crack to push on, or if I should. I don't know if I'm making sense, and that concerns me. I'm not afraid, but I'm aprehensive. What if there is no going back.

It's evident that I know there is more to this experience than what I've come to know. What I don't know is if it's safe to pursue. I'm not afraid of the danger. It's what my friends and family will feel if I'm gone suddenly. I don't what my escape to harm anyones life. I think it's that compassion and generousity that's holding me back. I've always had a hard time defining for myself when to draw the line at what to care about, and what not to care about. I've fooled myself many times into thinking that I didn't care, or wouldn't care. Now I find myself aprehensive, but I know I must make a choice. Just how far to I travel this road?