Alone

When I sleep at night I feel cold. Not just the lack of heat, but my mind feels as though it's frozen solid. I can't shift my thoughts as much when I'm asleep. I got to thinking about it and I realized with all the new people I"m meeting, it showed me how truly alone I am. I feel alone even when I'm around people I know and trust. My wavelength of space is uninhabited it seems, population, one.

I think of Karla often these days, particularly of when she and I kiss. I miss that. I'm alone now, and it hurts. For the first time being alone acctually hurts. I've never been through this before. The agony of it is I know I'm strong enough to bear it, and stubborn enough to do it. It just hurts so much though, seeing everyone together, and being so unavoidably lonesome. I used to think that if I could put enough things in my life, music, martial arts, zen, work, family, that love wouldn't have and space, that I could get by with out it. Well, I can do it, and have been. I just don't want to get by any more though. I'm tired of surviving emotionally, metnally, physically, and financially. I need a reason to keep on going. For the first time in my life, I"m afraid, and I don't know what to do about it.

They say the right person will come your way, that when it's meant to be that it'll just happen, you'll bump right into eachother. I hope thats true, because I don't want to be alone forever. I want to grow old with someone. I need some place I can finally relax, finally sleep like the dead and wake up alive, right next to her and remember the reason I keep waking up everyday. Why work, why do anything if you've got nothing to live for? I know what I want, and at this point it's what I need too.

It just seems like I'm asking so much of the world though, as if me being happy would somehow through the balance of life completely off and everyone else would be miserable. I don't think I could stand that kind of guilt. At the same time though, if I"m miserable either way, I think I'd rather have someone than live alone.