A few rather unusual events happened lately that i feel compelled to say something about. I don't know wh ere to begin. Life lived onced changed effects preception of past events differently than what I'd predicted. I suppose it's only natural that I should remember things differently, I lived them differently, but it's a peculiar set of things to have an altered state of preception to deal with in terms of reflection.
Firstly, perhaps most prominately is Karly, but to explain that better we'll head to the second event which may illuminate the first better. My aunt Francis, my mothers sister, passed away of colon/intenstinal cancer. I had visited her in the hostpital prior to her untimely expiration, and she seemed to be in good spirits. I remembered talking to her vividly, but there was nothing memorable said - no pearls of wisdom. I think it was the 3rd time in my life I'd spoken to the woman, we weren't very close. Thats why it supprized me so much when they asked me to be a paul-bearer. At the funeral service I helped load the old gal into the hurse, and then drove some cousins up to the cemetary and helped unload her and place her on top of the grave. We then did the grave side service and went back to a church in that town (whitney idaho) and had some food and said our good byes. Something I did, that I hadn't planned on doing, was covering the casket and filling in the grave. I was sorta freaked when they asked me to be a paulbearer to begin with. But sitting there putting -dirt- on my aunt was a nerve wreackingly morbid experiance. People joke so often about burrying someone, one foot in the grave, put another nail in the coffin, etc... it was just soooooo horendously sureal, every shovel full got heavier and heavier (partly because it was raining, it was mud we were shoveling about half way through) but it was just... sickening. one more experiance on the belt I guess, but it was still incredibly weird, not just because it wasn't someone I was close to, but because of the things that ran through my head once i realized that i would likely have to do this for my mother and father, grand mother, good friends, etc... - Put my parents into perspective pretty well. Their both over 50 ya know?
Anyhow, my brother came out for it, I pissed away two days of work on sick/vac leave (which I have yet to sort out at work), picked him up, drove him all across hells half acre and back. Just freaky watchin that boy become a man. Each time I see him I'm just floored ( he jiggty grows, like inches, each time I see him, beef cake!) - he's grown so much physically I barely recognize him, and mentally the kid is so much more focused it's amazing. Talking with him some, seeing how he'd grown, seeing my older sister again, this time with a rock on her finger, it further cemented in my head that it's the person who dictates their success. My sister is two coursed from her psychology degree, Jon (my future brother in law) is done with his buisness accounting degree, and they'll be moving in august to live in Manhattan (go figure, my sisters gonna be a new yorker *lol*). My brother will be headed to Okinawa after he's done with LAV school (light armoured vehicle), which he'll enter after he's done with infantry 101. My little sister is the artsy kind, so she'll probably take something along the lines of drama and art, and be an english teacher, or atleast try to be one, and then wishy wash herself into a mormon marriage at BYU or Utah State and her husband will take care of her *lol*.
I'm going to be a buisnessman, and entrepenur, and interpetur, perhaps even a musician at some point *l*. I've got the major things I want in my life etched out ya know? I'm -going- to get my MBA, I'm going to rank as high as humanly possible in Kendo. I'm going to be a father, I am going to have a teaching degree for choral music, perhaps even guitar instruction. I'm not going to take any sass about not doing this things. I will finish, and release the starcross project, it's my lifes work. And I will enlighten fully before I die, in zen buddism. these are the elements of my life as I think of it that i will acheive. The rest of it is just stupid crap i over thought waaaaaay too m uch - and seeing someone I knew by name die, made me fully and completely realize exactly how much time I had to do it in, francis was only 58? - I'd better get crackin *lol*.
So now we come back full circle to the first thing thats popped up recently since I solved the koan and have been looking at things in non-dualistic terms as often as possible, Karla.
-- However, since having made a number of changes my preception of life it's not neccesscary to get all lengthy and maticulous about it. It's more more simple. I don't really need to think about it - I know exactly how I feel about her, I'm taking steps to move passed friendship with her. Should she return that same interest we'll both determain together just how important we are to eachother, and life will either pull us together or split us apart, - what ever is going to happen, will happen, and it will only happen when that time comes. I'm not going to worry about -how- it's gonna happen, or when. I'm just going to take steps to get there as it's appropriate, and come what may ^_^ - hopefully her. Takin it slow though, day by day, phone call by phone call, goal orienty, and one BLOODY STEP AT A TIME!!! I've known her for nearly 6 years - the interest is obviously there (in me anyhow, I'm not going to volenteer how she feels ^_^ but I think I have a fair grasp on it *lol*) - I'm going to build on it, this is one opportunity I don't want to miss.
Karla has helped me gain my bearings because she's the one constant I've had as far as people go in relationship to growing up, watching people change, etc. because of the arch the two of use have moved in I know where I am, where I'm going, blah blah blah "I finally get it/FER DUH!!!" - I owe the Karl, alot. The funeral thing made me realize just how attached to her i've become as a friend, and better put myself, and her into a great perspective one that I can see more of the picture in. Anyhow, I think thats enough for today. I should get to work *lol* or atleast start working at work. End blog *lol*
Firstly, perhaps most prominately is Karly, but to explain that better we'll head to the second event which may illuminate the first better. My aunt Francis, my mothers sister, passed away of colon/intenstinal cancer. I had visited her in the hostpital prior to her untimely expiration, and she seemed to be in good spirits. I remembered talking to her vividly, but there was nothing memorable said - no pearls of wisdom. I think it was the 3rd time in my life I'd spoken to the woman, we weren't very close. Thats why it supprized me so much when they asked me to be a paul-bearer. At the funeral service I helped load the old gal into the hurse, and then drove some cousins up to the cemetary and helped unload her and place her on top of the grave. We then did the grave side service and went back to a church in that town (whitney idaho) and had some food and said our good byes. Something I did, that I hadn't planned on doing, was covering the casket and filling in the grave. I was sorta freaked when they asked me to be a paulbearer to begin with. But sitting there putting -dirt- on my aunt was a nerve wreackingly morbid experiance. People joke so often about burrying someone, one foot in the grave, put another nail in the coffin, etc... it was just soooooo horendously sureal, every shovel full got heavier and heavier (partly because it was raining, it was mud we were shoveling about half way through) but it was just... sickening. one more experiance on the belt I guess, but it was still incredibly weird, not just because it wasn't someone I was close to, but because of the things that ran through my head once i realized that i would likely have to do this for my mother and father, grand mother, good friends, etc... - Put my parents into perspective pretty well. Their both over 50 ya know?
Anyhow, my brother came out for it, I pissed away two days of work on sick/vac leave (which I have yet to sort out at work), picked him up, drove him all across hells half acre and back. Just freaky watchin that boy become a man. Each time I see him I'm just floored ( he jiggty grows, like inches, each time I see him, beef cake!) - he's grown so much physically I barely recognize him, and mentally the kid is so much more focused it's amazing. Talking with him some, seeing how he'd grown, seeing my older sister again, this time with a rock on her finger, it further cemented in my head that it's the person who dictates their success. My sister is two coursed from her psychology degree, Jon (my future brother in law) is done with his buisness accounting degree, and they'll be moving in august to live in Manhattan (go figure, my sisters gonna be a new yorker *lol*). My brother will be headed to Okinawa after he's done with LAV school (light armoured vehicle), which he'll enter after he's done with infantry 101. My little sister is the artsy kind, so she'll probably take something along the lines of drama and art, and be an english teacher, or atleast try to be one, and then wishy wash herself into a mormon marriage at BYU or Utah State and her husband will take care of her *lol*.
I'm going to be a buisnessman, and entrepenur, and interpetur, perhaps even a musician at some point *l*. I've got the major things I want in my life etched out ya know? I'm -going- to get my MBA, I'm going to rank as high as humanly possible in Kendo. I'm going to be a father, I am going to have a teaching degree for choral music, perhaps even guitar instruction. I'm not going to take any sass about not doing this things. I will finish, and release the starcross project, it's my lifes work. And I will enlighten fully before I die, in zen buddism. these are the elements of my life as I think of it that i will acheive. The rest of it is just stupid crap i over thought waaaaaay too m uch - and seeing someone I knew by name die, made me fully and completely realize exactly how much time I had to do it in, francis was only 58? - I'd better get crackin *lol*.
So now we come back full circle to the first thing thats popped up recently since I solved the koan and have been looking at things in non-dualistic terms as often as possible, Karla.
-- However, since having made a number of changes my preception of life it's not neccesscary to get all lengthy and maticulous about it. It's more more simple. I don't really need to think about it - I know exactly how I feel about her, I'm taking steps to move passed friendship with her. Should she return that same interest we'll both determain together just how important we are to eachother, and life will either pull us together or split us apart, - what ever is going to happen, will happen, and it will only happen when that time comes. I'm not going to worry about -how- it's gonna happen, or when. I'm just going to take steps to get there as it's appropriate, and come what may ^_^ - hopefully her. Takin it slow though, day by day, phone call by phone call, goal orienty, and one BLOODY STEP AT A TIME!!! I've known her for nearly 6 years - the interest is obviously there (in me anyhow, I'm not going to volenteer how she feels ^_^ but I think I have a fair grasp on it *lol*) - I'm going to build on it, this is one opportunity I don't want to miss.
Karla has helped me gain my bearings because she's the one constant I've had as far as people go in relationship to growing up, watching people change, etc. because of the arch the two of use have moved in I know where I am, where I'm going, blah blah blah "I finally get it/FER DUH!!!" - I owe the Karl, alot. The funeral thing made me realize just how attached to her i've become as a friend, and better put myself, and her into a great perspective one that I can see more of the picture in. Anyhow, I think thats enough for today. I should get to work *lol* or atleast start working at work. End blog *lol*
posted by Renge at 6/23/2003 03:58:00 AM
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