I don't know where to begin. The crap running through my head right now is pulling in too many directions. None of them are helping any. I can't get my thoughts to take shape so I can deal with them. I can't calm down. I'm just - agitated, and on the verge of becomming angry.

The only thing I've ever wanted in life truly, was to be a solid person, to break passed the crap I learned from a poor example as a child to get -out- of the crossroads and on with my life. It's infuriating when you realize that at the end of the day everyone has the best of you, and you have no clue how you got in that position to begin with - when you realize you're nothing but a fool. Then they say don't feel bad. What a pain in the ass. I'm taken advantage of, and I don't even know how! Whats worse is at the end of the day I don't even know who myself is.

Here's what other people have to say about me:

" I just finished reading Will's blog. I've come to think there is something wrong with him. No, he's not a bad person. He just has a very selfish way of looking at things. As if the world should revolve around him somehow. If something doesn't go his way, instead of considering that maybe he hasn't reached a point in life where he deserves the "statis" it is someone, or something else's fault.
He's also overly self conscious. Judging without considering the simple and very basic truth, (one of a very few that have come out of the bible) Judge not; lest ye be judged by that same judgement. (Jesus Christ) I can only think of two things that may influnce this behavior.
One: He has not experienced enough in life to correctly determine his own faults.
Two: He suffers from a severe case of jealousy, and, or a lack in people skills."


Sounds accurate enough. I can't even begin to understand how I got this fucked up in the first place though. I know it's me that's got the problem. I still don't know completely how to fix it, muchless how best to fix it. I never had anything remotely close to a good example on how to do anything, that includes change. I need help, and I'm far too proud to go to someone for it, and I'm to nervous or afraid to trust anyone else; might just get taken advantage of further. I'm not afraid of help, just being helped the wrong way.

Damn it's frusterating. I can't find -anything- to get my bearings from, the more I try the worse it gets, and if I don't try I just get run over, trampled, ignored, and obscured. Thats how it seems. I wish I could break out of myself and just burn it all. There has to be a way, I just wish i could identify it, recognize it. I need help. I just don't know where it is, or where I am.

Funny, I'm supposed to be a leader. Isn't that sad?