Watching The Petals Fall.

I have perhaps 18 or so autumns in memory, vivid, wonderful, vibrant memories. I always loved watching hte leaves change color, and slowly, one by one give way to the wind and sail away to the ground below. I always enjoyed that, it was the one thing in life that gave me peace as a child. Through out all of the self imposed agony because I wanted to be someone, to count for something with all the things in my mind.

With Karla parting with child hood now, it's funny to watch because I see her constantly comming through the tides... It's amazing to watch her, she struggles, gets discouraged, takes a step back, and asks questions (Some of which I never asked at those points in life.) She is so incredibly intelligent and talented, it's absolutely remarkable to watch her unerstanding of life change and mature. What i find even more amazing to bear whitness to is watching her overcome those obsticles with anyones help, and with out losing a part of her. Just like the cracking sounds you hear in the trees in autumn when a brance looses all of it's leaves and the bark of the tree on the top of the branch begins to buckle, you can see her windy child hood buckle and shift, but it is still there. The posture she has in her face has changed since she solved her first koan "what was your original face before your parents birth". I wrote it in the form of a picture puzzle in her sketch book. I titled the work "The Center Of The Clouded Mind". She managed to figure it out. All those child hood leaves shook off the tree alll at once. It was amazing to watch.


Karla though reminded me more of a Sakura tree which never sheds it's leaves completely, but it does shed the petals of it's blossoms, and that truely is an awesome sight. I'm hoping not next year, but the year after, to take her on vacation to Japan to show her. ^_^

Anyhow, I'm outta here.

Every Now and Then

I've landed a Job. I've found a room mate. Now I just need to get the Financial Aid stuff wrapped up and I"m in school. Viola.

But aside from the structure of living alot of things have happened. She and I had a break through today that most people I know of have never experianced. She figured out what she was today, and by virtue of that, has acknowledged that her child hood is at an end. In 5 weeks she'll be a legal adult. Fotuneately for her she's come to the adult mind before the adult body. I wonder how much differently her life will be as she progresses, because of todays events. I think I'm going to steal the pages in her sketch book and have them laminated and framed. I think that a few decades from now she'll see those as an aniversery gift and I hope the provide her with strength and encouragement, so she can see that her foundation is still remarkably firm and solid.

More than that though, the film of childishness about her, that outer layer of innocence faded the second she figured it out. Admitidly I helped guide her to the answer, but she did all of the mental movements on her out, completely without my spelling it out for her. She acheived excelled enlightenment today, but not in zen terms, simply in terms of function - she now understands how to shift her mental gears now. Some what later down the road, maybe next year after her first year of school when she's settled into how life will treat her on her own, when she's gotten some thicker skin, then we'll move onto Recognizing when to shift the gears, and when not to - and in effect of that experiance, she will understand why we shift gears mental. Then she will know what the different gears are, and where there work best, and her mind will be able to move simply, and easily, unattatched and gracefully.

I myself just finishing that particular journey, I find that watching her start this path to be both incredibly wonderful, and dreadful. Wonderful because her life is going to bloom and become something so vivid and grand that words, no matter how well chosen or put, won't ever completely capture the beauty in which her life will take shape. Dreadful in the sense that the innocence of child hood and the endless wonder and viriety are all going to pass and then again in the sense that the world can be outright dangerous.

I wonder a great deal about my life, but I wonder most often now, what role to take as he boyfriend, as she walks through this gauntlet... I know I have the ability to guard her, but I wonder if I should. Financially she is not my responsibility, and yet I know if she needs something taken care of that I'll gladly want to do it, with out a second thought... but is that the right action? Do I let her ruin her credit and her financial options and then grow back from that? Or do I simply say, let me take care of it?

I think perhaps the way I'll handle it is let her make the mistake and then simply explain how to fix it there and then and just outright insist that she do it - not because she should, but because even if we don't work out she'll always be my friend and I've learned from Jeff as a friend, the BEST thing I can do is help by not helping. But thats still twice removed from the problem. Now I have to deal with the first tangent and that is simply nothing more than leadership. The manner in which she sees me manage my money is probably the best way for her to figure out on her own how to manage her own money. I don't wanna be married and when it comes to money I just go "Let me handle it" - I don't want to impune her ability to have control over her life - I hated it when my parents did that to me.

What about all the other elements of life? dealing wtih people? Systems? Government? Temptation? Again to lead by example is the best way I can think of. This puts alot of preasure on me. Not only because I've gotta take care of my own stuff, I have my own financial issues, housing, edjucation, family to deal with, plus her, and her family and the added responsibility of making sure their all happy and safe. My role in life is three fold, to be a gaurdian, a teacher, and a provider. All of this can be summed up in one word - Father.

So how to I still acheive all the other things I want in life? I've already shelved my loftly notion of ever making money with music, and Karla told me to pick one thing that I had to do no matter what. I told her that it was her - to have a family with her. She said no, something for me. So I chose swordsmanship. I wanted to chose Zen - but I don't want zen over Karla, and Zen wouldn't just consume this life time, it would consume ALL life times. A lifetime without Karla would be unbearable. An eternity with out her? I can't even think about what that would be like... every grain in my mind, the very fiber of my soul wont tolerate the notion, it's so forigen to my mind that it's rejected, surrounded, destroyed, encased, compressed and repressed into a tiny iron ball that I'll sit on until the end of time. I'd rather have her than air. It may sound extreme, and it's probably not rational, but I understand it perfectly.

So I've chosen kendo/iaido. I still have lots of other goals though, I'd like to build my own guitar and amp someday, I'm going to be a resteraunt owner, an entertainment company owner, I'm going to travel around some more with her. I'm going to get best edjucation for my kids that I can afford and when I'm in my 50's theeen I'll worry about what I want. I don't give a damn now - I have what I want for now, for the next 25 years I'm content. granted I'l still wanna move fast, keep myself trained for the extremes and give my self challenges between now and then, but for now I'm going to be a cook - and thats not rocket science. This is the time that I need to pay attention with, this is where it counts the most. Same goes for her, but she's gotta understand why on her own. When I get older then I'll look back at what I did now, and look to her and say "Back then I knew where I'd be now, and thats what got me here".

And when i'm 80, I'll read this 'every now and then' and laugh.. and probably grab her butt, I'll be a dirty old man with a cane, probably. never know - maybe I'll still be teaching Kendo. *l*

Later.