Turning Pages

It's now roughly 24 hours untill she arrives her in Florida. I've never felt so impatient in my life, and yet at my age, I fully recognize that it's just me being impatient. I'm sitting here, in this wicker chair... thing, typing away with my eyes rivetted on the clock just wishing that it would move faster. I'm going NUTS. o0

In other news it's raining.

God I can't focus, but I want to , I can't settle down. It's like there's a knot in my head that I can't get undone, the more I try to settle down the tighter it gets and it HURTS. I don't know if it's just all this stuff that's going on, being homeless, unemployeed, etc. Or if it's me missing Karla, or a combination of them or something else all together. I just want everything to sort out and go. I need it too. Everything is riding on my shoulders right now. It's solely my responsibility for how my life turns out and I know that this is my shot, and I can't afford to blow it.

I sound like a nervous wreck - but I'm not nervous. I'm confident. But enough time waisting. I've got a spanish book to finish. Later.

Reflections

I've spoken with Karla everyday since I got back from Puerto Rico, and again since I arrived in Florida. I miss her so much it's perhaps unhealthy. My dependance upon her presence in my life is unmistakbly irreversible and undeniable. Most would say this is going to far, but I'd say that there are perhaps too few who ever dared try it, and of that minority, the vast majority did not understand love. I do not know what the future holds, I don't worry about finding out; what ever happens, happens.

Regardless of planning, of preperation, of attention, of diligence, and vigilance, people will continually fail at one thing or another, no matter how hard or how long they have practiced. I make mistakes daily, if i did not life would not only be complete, life would be pretty damn dull. Love is perhaps the quintesential delusion, in which you think one person caught in a dream cares for you just as much as you want to think you care about them.

However, this is the laymans view of love, something external and tangible - as if joy were some sort of stream lined blanket of spandex that you could slink into, and forget about it, while you behaved the exact same way you did before, just "with love" - much in the same manner every time I turn on a TV or see a bottle of laundry detergent on a shelf in the store the words "new color safe bleaching action" always seem to be tucked in a cornern on some shiney little lable that millions of people will buy into simply because they were "told so".

Love, is perhaps a similar proposistion, in that yes there is bleach, and it is color safe, but it's not some blanket policy that suits every fabric everytime in every situtation - Love - True Love, is far more precise. Not in that theres some special kind of bleach, but that someone, somewhere, for a very specific reason, added that amount of bleach to the detergent to perform a specific function, and does it in just the right armount and in the right circumstances, and only when time merits that it is to be done so - it's not quite so universal a concept as gravity, or night and day- although there certainly are elements of Love that do share those eternal traits.

But as I reflect on what I know, what I've known, and walk into the present moment carving my future a day at a time, Love seems to be the only true constant among all the imperminant things I face day to day. So as I reflect upon my dearest Karla, and call her each day, the present moment remains golden, but the comets tail is always in view, and is always beautiful - just like the ionic tail that you can only see with a radio telescope... the blue tail with a black backdrop.

I love you, Karla, and I always will.

On Change.

Papa's Got A Brand-New Bag! o0

So I've landed in Miami for the time being. Looking to fix that whole homeless problem this week. Fixed the work problem, just need an address for the job application. I may just ask Mama Grisel if she'll let me list her's and then change it when i've got mine. Lots of things are changing though, most noticable how I thought about Karla. Each new person I get to know in her family has a different view of her, and the praises keep on comming - it's amazing how smitten they are with her. When Karla's Great Grand Mother foud out I drove 2600 miles in 2 days or so she was like O_O!? X_x "... he's in love... my baby karla so lucky!!!" o0 and I was just like "uh... no - me lucky o0?"

I guess everyones lucky and special? But apart from the ever broadening view of Karla (which I enjoy like no man can.) I've also undertaken a number of changes. Aside from the customary changes, like wardobe, sleeping hours, time zones, and area mental maps; My wardobe has changed, my ever increasing vocabulary of spanish words grows daily, my knowledge of the quid pro quo in modern latin society is gaining and I find that I'm able to walk easier here for some reason. Maybe it's these raised heel sandals her mom gave me, and maybe it's just me letting go. But so much is changing and it's not frightening anymore - although this hair cut is absolutely HORRID. o0 I look chinese... ;__;


Apart from that, i've gotta get some things squared away tomorrow and quickly. I have to mail out my car payment. I have to call my old phone service and deactivate it, and then I have to find an apartment between the school and the dorms. After that, head to guitar center and samash, turn in apps, and then get my phone service turned on there.

Theeeen I get to find a new insurrance agent, and fill out that scholarship crap for Uncle Edgar. And theeeeeeen hopefully Karla will be here on sunday AND THIS BUSY I JUST MOVED HERE HELL CRAP WILL STOP!

I'm not upset though, I'm diggin' it o0 . Anyhow, must call parents and karla.

Off like a promdress!
-Will