My Vacation.

Finally have a bit of time to reflect on my experiance. I miss that feeling of being fulfilled so much it hurts. I feel empty inside - but atleast I'm feeling - and that means I'm awake, aware and alive. I fell in love, learned about life, saw new things and learned about a whole other way of life. One that I enjoy dearly.
It was so breath taking. Amazing. I don't know where to start.

The day I got to the air port I wasn't really as nervous as I thought I would be. It took a while to get my luggage, but when I got past the security check point and headed outside.... she jumped... like 2 feet in the air. I'd never had anyone so happy to see me in my entire life I was just like "Thats gotta be here... she's jumping... waving.. smiling.. o0 wow!" and then I got on the side walk and she came running at me and gave me the biggest hug I'd ever had in my life up to that point. o0 I was like "THIS IS THE ONE!" o0

Then I met her mom, her dad, and we drove to Old San Jaun. We walked around for a while. I got a history lesson or two and then they ate at a sandwhich shop. Then we drove to her home. Her home in Bayamon wasn't at all what I thought it would be - it was a 3 room home with 2 bathrooms and a small patio in back. It was the coziest place I've ever been in my life. We sat around and talked for a while, and I got my stuff situated for what would be the best week of my life to date.

We stayed up pretty late that night talking. I talked with Waldo, Karla's Father, and Griselle her Mother for hours. We hit it off pretty well, laughed a lot - and had many of the same ideas and attitudes. I was pleased. I felt like I had a second home. I did too - it was amazing how openly they let me in to their home they weren't nervous or shy or anything it was weird. Still I couldn't shake the awkward feeling. I never knew what having a family full of warmth and care felt like... I had this nervousness creeping through me the whole time. It shook off the next day though.

When I woke up the next day it was like I was 7 years old again, breakfeast was being cooked and hte most adorible sleepy Karla in pj's was yawning walking down the hall way.. o0 I wanted to cry. We got up and talked. I picked up the classical g uitar and started playing and then Waldo decided he was gonna give me a lesson. I was so incredibly thankful for that. He gave me this sheet of information. I swear to god - once you know your chords - this sheet is like the holy grail of guitar knowledge - well just musical knowledge, but for the guitarist it comes in incredibly handy. I was like "THANK YOU!!! THE ANSWERS!!!" And now I practice my ass off hoping that the next time I meet the waldo I won't be so crappy a guitarist.

It's been a week since the vacation and things are getting blurry, only the most important and vivid things stand out, and I can't remember every detail. I suppose that's as it should be though. I remember two quotes from my favorite movie - The Crow. "Little things always used to mean so much to Shelly - things that I'd thought were kind of trivial. Trust me, nothing is trivial..." and then again at the end of the movie where the interview with Brandon Lee is played where he quotes someone else whom I can't remember the name of. The quote goes, "Because we do not know when we will die, we think of life as an inexhaustable well." He then went on to say, though I don't know if this is still from his source as he was quoting; "And yet everything happens a certain number of times, and very small number really. How many more times will you remember an afternoon of your childhood thats so deeply a part of your being you couldn't think of life with out it? How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps, 20 - and yet it all seems limitless."

It's funny that those to quotes come to mind. I'll never be able to think of my life with out this vacation in it... but I've forgotten so much of it already. The things that I really remember? My first day there when I met her at the air port. The first kiss in the park. The walk infront of El Morro, making out on the grass. Helping her down the rocks afterward. The day I told her I loved her. Meeting Waldo's friends in a bohemian get to gether. Meeting her extended family, holding her asleep in my lap on the way home. The waterfall in El Yunce and the ride home sleeping shoulder on shoulder with her... Our last night in Old San Jaun, walking through the city, kissing, feeding pidgeons, laughing, making out on the point bench for hours... Shopping for computer parts for her computer.

It was such a wonderful wonderful time, and all I have are pictures to remember her by. Well not really. I have her. ^_^ I'm moving soon to be near her, even though it's proving to be an uphill battle getting the finances in order. It's worth it though. I'll be happier there thats for sure. I can't stand utah.

At anyrate, I wrote a song about the whole thing. The introduction is pretty somber and forboding, but it clears up. I'd equate it to my search to find myself, trying to find my way through the dark. Making mistakes and failing, feeling vuenerable and off balance. As things go on it starts to pull itself out, and a genuine sense of understanding and progress happens. Then it gets very upbeat and triumphant - I figured out what it was I needed, what I wanted, where I was, what I had to do to get where I wanted to be - as well as recognizing the path I'd come. I named the song "Look Up" - after the advice my darling Raven haired girl, Karla, gave to me.

The second time we went to old San Jaun I took pictures of the land scape like crazy. I was pointing a tiny section of the landscape that I thought was so beautiful and I highlighted it for her with my hand on the horizon and then she grabbed my head and pulled me back some and batted my hands down and said two words "Look Up!" and highlighted the whole scene with her arm. - I realized then she knew the right answer and that I while I wasn't wrong to look at something, there was soooo much more there than what I'd been aiming to find. My reason for looking was so incredibly short sighted and it was gut wrenching when i realized just how narrowly I viewed the world.

When it was all said and done and I needed a title for that song, those words came ringing through like a golden arrow from heaven and it hit me right in the heart. I've decided that if there was one thing in the world that was true - it was what she examplified that day. She knows how to live, and I have soooo much work to do to catch up to her. It's funny that I had to wait 5 years to date her, and now I'm dramatically behind her already! *l*

All in all though... it was a magical trip. There were so many elements that will season my mind for many years to come from this trip, and I'll never forget them. Some what saddening is the knowledge that it will eventually fade from memory, and I'll have nothing but a picture to remind myself about it, and at some point even the pictures may do no good. Fortunately though there is one element of this trip that will remain strong and vibrant through out my life time and well into the next - and that is her. I love her dearly and will do everything it takes to keep her in my life.

I remember yesterday or the day before we were talking about De Ja Vu, and dreams, past life times and the eternity of living and existance. About the soles and the generations of life that we've lived already... I know she's my soul mate, I know that she'll be the one for me through out time and eternity... and I know why I love her. Words, not even zen, could explain this, even though it's largely a zen principle. It's funny, but theres no point in worrying about it. We're bodhisattvas and lovin it ^_~.

Anyhow. I'm going to work on our song some more. Karla - If you're at Ari's house and you're reading this. I love you. ^_^

Oh, one more thing.

Remember to tell her you love her before you go. Because you do.

On Life.

As I sit here now it's almost ten PM Puerto Rican time, in effect, 8 pm my time. That word, time. What a useful useful word. It doesn't mean anything I thought it did though. I can't believe I had so many preconceived notions on what time was, what it was for, what it was about, why we have it, had it, lost it, forgot about it, ... that one work, along with a plethora of other words. Respect, Honor, Loyalty, Trust, Viture, Understanding, Realization, Wisdom, Hatred, Anger, Happyness, - Love.

These are elements I'd thought I knew the meanings of, the deffinition, and application of each. Being here, letting ocean water carry my foot prints away into the sea, breathing the air as thick as can be. The sea breeze is so sensual. The way it's depicted in movies and books, stories of any kind... It all pales in comparison to the genuine article. Even the grass is so much different here. Sharing a kiss on the spikey grass infront of the Wall of El Morro with the sun setting behind the wall... I can't even describe the way it felt. Imagine Will, years from now reguardless of what may happen your dream of the Raven Hair Girl you never could see the face of was with YOU -there- doing exactly what your dream described. The irony is you couldn't ever tell what it was you were doing there, or with who. Your own idiotic behavior placed so many attatchments to that dream it became unhealthy - dangerous even. But - lucky for you my Karma king, it worked out. YOu got extremely lucky. You plane didn't crash, you didn't have any problems with anyone, - you entered into a whole new realm of people who's minds function completely differently from your own - it's a whole different spectrum of thought - one you discarded as nonsese. My dear William - you're an idiot.

But - You still figured it out. The dumbest of things oftne cause you to become dissatisfied with the world around you. The phrase "how can one fool make another wise" applies most significantly when applied along the lines of introversion. There was nothing outside you that could have made you better. Infact - the only thing it did was stir up the contents of your self making it even -harder- to see light purely, on a single plain. Everything you wanted to see so clearly, got skewed and distorted because your mind kept trying to go outside it'self .

YOU met Karla long time ago. And because of your feelings about her, you kept yourself in stand by mode for a long long time. YOu dated kate because you couldn't date Karla. You didn't go to school early on the premis of not wanting to lose your "innocence" when in fact you'd discarded that a long time ago - and like a hard boiled egg, just assumed your soft skin still in the shape of innoence was infact innocence. That was your quintisential mistake - and it sent you spinning my friend.

YOu got even more used to this extreme form of mind because of the narrow sight you allowed yourself to exhibit as a result of not questioning your surroundings - following blindly and staring at your feet constantly because "someone told you to".

Somewhere, somehow, you found a tool - Guitar. and it helped you settle back down, but it wasn't enough and you went spinning faster and harder. You were confused though - you thought that THIS was progress, when in fact you were farther and farther from the truth. It's like centrifigal force. Actions that are normal under rotational force feel more natrual the more pressure is put upon you. Centrifigal force however is -not- a normal frame of mind for a human to exhibit - it smears, warps and distorts the actuality, making your reality like some kind of psychodelic dream to which no answer makes sense. When that ball breaks free of the chain though, all of that action is changed from rotational to linier - and OFF YOU GO. You suddenly allow your mind to latch to -one- thing - nothing ness. It landed you in Puerto Rico, pretty hard do. Griselle called you her "Son" atleast 7 times today alone, and probly a dozen or so more times since you've been here.

Even Karla's Father Waldo treats you like a son. You and Karla, whether you make it or not, have some of the best examples of how people "should be" - and perhaps karmaiacly - or just out of plain old coincidence - it happened very close to the equator - the middle of the planet. YOu and your stupid notions of being the best always drove you to extreems. Too far north, too hard, not at all, to hot, too cold, you've never been able to just sit the fuck down and relax. - And then you hear Karla in Old San Jaun "Look Up". Waldo showed you so many things you didn't know about the guitar it almost made you cry. Griselle showed you the kind of playfulness your own mother has never had, and the kind of warmth and charm you always wanted in a mother. Karla's extended family on her mothers side, the Torres Family if memory serves, also showed you the things you were searching for. How a family should be close, how they should unite. You've never placed any importance on family - well place some now. Decide Will. Think hard, but not too hard. The signals are allll around you - LOOK UP. YOu know how now. You've planted a seed in your mind finally - something real, and something worth while. Now bury it and this time - TAKE CARE OF IT. It's a living thing - just like what you thought you had in that stupid dream world of yours where Steve Vai was god and guitar was the religeon. That place does not exist - and it never will. The thing that "Hand On Heart" meant to you wasn't salvation, or grace, or care. It was Reference. YOu've always been a litteral guy. Hand on heart was your bearings. You've always over thought things - and cluster fucked the simplest of things - you can't even win a game of tic-tac-toe because you over think so often. You are litteral, Become abstract. In your own mind you left a warning for yourself. You -knew- even when you were a small child that your emotions, how you felt, what you wanted, that was what you valued over everything else. Hand on heart means HAND ON HEART. - The thing you held onto most - the center of the centrifigal force you put yourself through. That ball at the end of the chain? It was acctually in the center the whole time - the ball you thought that broke free when you solved that Koan "What is the sound of one hand clapping" - your answer was "My Mind". In zen terms yes, thats true. You're not very zen will. Stop trying to be a master. You're not that calibur a person initially, masters take -years-. LIFE TIMES to become so - you're not that old - so stop shooting your mouth off, just practice. You know your heart is was you follow, so follow it. Don't be stupid, you know what that means too . But don't over think shit. Just stay in the middle and for the love of everything and anything that is sweet and holy in this world DO NO FUCK UP THIS TIME!!!!

- On a brighter note, she's leaning on your shoulder and hasn't slapped you yet - So far so good eh? ^_~ that'll be the lecturing you'll need for a good many years to come. Show some gratitude boy! be Proud, Stand tall - but REMEMBER TO LOOK UP!!!!!!!!

Now go. You're on vacation - dork.