I've come to find that the vast majority of my thought and effort, planning and dillegence with my job are ultimately wasted, again. Today I found out they aren't promoting anyone, but consolidating Teams. I've lost my window of opportunity to be promoted to full Team Lead status again. This time through no fault of my own - theres simply not room in the budget. I'm told that one of the moderately higher bosses, the guy who hired me acctually, wants to talk to me on monday morning. I can't even begin to imagine what he wants me for. I don't know that it matters much though.

I went camping thinkin "yeah, great time with my friends, gonna roast some hotdogs, get back to work, and I'll finally be a team leader." - No love. Infact, I didn't even get a birthday present. Karly was the only one goodly enough to get me anything, and she made it herself, it's printed out on my desk, the "Karly Bear". At least she cared. It's just one of those weeks I guess. I solved a Koan, made some progress with the band, went camping, didn't get promoted. I suppose 3 out of 4 isn't bad, but I'm get up with B- quality life. There has to be someway to get passed this block. I know the answer, I just can't get an opening with out stepping on someones toes and being a jerk. Just in the amount of time that I've been back I've already noticed the entire team has been looking at me like I'm going to snap or something. Makes me wonder what they know that I don't, even though it's fairly obvious they're happy I'm not their boss. Nathan in particular I don't trust when he speaks now. Suddenly today when there were no keys it was "his responsibility to get the keys from tech and change the tapes" as if suddenly he was given my job. I didn't get a promotion notice in my email with his name on it, and I haven't been told, emailed, or informed by management that I've been demoted.

People see power, and they fight for it with daggers - it's sad. But in either case, I suppose I'll just stick to my guns - I know my job, my position, and rank, and how to do them all. And it's not like I've got another job to go running off too either.

Well, I finally got the message through to Tika, and the breaks are on pretty good.

I also got in some quality time with Anne, which both of us desperately need. The result was a reflection upon the truth gained in solving the koan of "the sound of one hand clapping". I'm uploading that little gem now. In the mean time I'll post the song story hear, since I never did document this particular experiance. The song itself is bound to be longer at some point, but for now i think this will suffice nicely.

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While in Japan last year, I saw Steve Vai, performing "Fire Strings" - The remainder of my trip was spent at a Zen temple in the Tokyo area. I didn't understand a word of what was said, and could barely manage to fit in.

As I sat in zazen while trying my best to understand the koan I chose to penetrate, one of the monks there, an american, not much older than myself saw me. I know now what it was he saw in me, and why his words now were so apt to the circumstances. While I have always had difficulty just doing zazen with out a koan, I had exceptional difficulty trying to maintain my will power in full lotus posture, and at that point he came to me. At the time there was one Sakura tree which still had a few blossoms on it, and for those of you unfamiliar with Japan, a "Sakura" tree is a cherry tree, more or less.

"The object isn't to think good friend, only to understand why this is so..." - I never did catch his name, and that's all he said to me. As he bowed and went on his way, I saw an entire sakura blossom fall, one of the last ones on the tree infact, and as it fell I was staring straight up at the moon repeating his words in my head.

I remember vividly thinking "how do you not think... and understand why what is so? What are you talking about - I don't get it". I gave it another day, and gave up. I spent the rest of my trip, the last day, wandering around Tokyo and Narita, seeing what there was to see. They wouldn't allow my camera at the Zen temple, but the Buddhist shrine in Narita had no problem with it, so I spent most of the evening there, photographing everything.

When I got home, the monks words were still echoing in my ears. Somewhat those words had nearly faded out entirely. This week though, I finally solved that Koan. For those of you who are wondering what koan it was - you may be supprised when you find that you've already heard of it.

"What is the sound of one hand clapping?"

Well - I know the answer now, and suddenly the monks meaning is appearent to me, and the memory of that falling blossom through the body of the moon on that star lit night will be a memory I recite for many years to come as I venture onward in my quest to attain a profound realization of the supreme vehicle.

While I have no such lofty goal as to completely attain kensho tomorrow, or deepen my satori awakening as each day passes on, I did feel compelled to document it in some fashion.

So today, good friends, a small clip of something I've decided to add into the Awakening albumn, in all it's rough, pre-post-production glory is now here for you listen to as you journey through my mind.

Remember good friends, truth, not unlike the sakura blossom, blooms when it is time. The only way you will know the truth is if you are there when the truth is manifest - and of course, the right lighting helps...

Post, you beast, post I say!

ZING!

I know what I'm going to say to people when I hit them with sticks and they complain:

"Don't blame your limited preception of truth on my actions." - or "Why should I be the one credited with your collapse?"

This zen thing is rad.

Something else I noticed while at kendo today were how some of the zen principles tied into swordsmanship, or rather how to apply them to the facilitation of attack and defence. In an earlier entery regarding Master Hui-Neng's comentary on the Diamond Sutra, and on the Hui-Neng Sutra I mentioned I understood that it was my minds preception that dictated what the data my eyes register.

I solved the koan "What is the sound of one hand clapping" - and in doing so at Kendo today I was able to successfully fend off Aaron for a good 5 minutes at a stretch, instead of the usual 30 seconds to a minute. A combination of Zen Koan enduced realization, and Musashi's "Suffocating Pillow" technique allowed me to manipulate Aaron's forarms and wrists to the point where I could force which way he would attack, and be able to barely move the tip of my sword to have to block it, and I did so by placing my sword in his guard each time so he couldn't attack with out loosing his hand.

Musashi's Technique was initially intended for offence, to relentlessly attack not allowing your opponent time enough to gather his wits to develope a sturdy defence, or gather his thoughts enough to find an opening for attack. I find though suffocating with a pillow for defencive means is an excellent stragey.

I applied this to nathan when he attacked me in parry practice. It bugged him I think, I wasn't able to hold him off for as long, but i was able to much more easily see his motions and predict his movements. Further, with the realization brought on by solving the koan I was able to adapt my techniques far easier because the mental barrier between my mind and my body was finally penatrated - theres now a clear vessel of understanding between my mind and my body. While I have not fully awakened, the murky deapth in my mind has cleared some, and my conceptual thinking is greatly enhanced. I can now see deeper into most things, and books on philosophy, conceptual thinking, or abstract contextual events make more sense. In terms of swordsmanship, my adaptability has now gained another level. In terms of my facination with nathan's thought process and way of life - I'm suddenly unsatisfied and disinterested with it entirely.

Today I realized that most of his experiance is good, but his judgement isn't as accute as I'd originally thought, and as a result viewing his life I can see many controdictions that work against eachother and keep him in place. He wants too many things, despite his insisting that he hates spending money, I see direct evidence to the contrary. But as we stated earlier, no one is perfect.

Anyhow, weeeeee. Zen. It's what's for dinner!

Well, Kendo went well. I had a reat time practicing with Nathans brother Aaron. Nathan we exceptionally off his game - he was hung over. He became some what irritated with the amount of force I was putting into my attacks in parry practice, and complained about it. I was kind of amuzed with. I've found an incredible flaw in his style, and I've also discovered how great the gap is between our minds and approaches to the craft of swordsmanship. I think the art of lethargy is great, but in terms of swordplay it's a half a bubble off plumb, the theory is fine, the application just doesn't stack up.

Swordsmanship involves effort - no two ways about it. I've been practicing, alot, and very dilligently, pushing my self, expanding my capability and my limits. I don't think Nathan is. I could tell he hadn't even considered it over the last week. Showing up hung over was a bad Idea to begin with. Being a smoker and wanting to remain the superior swordsman is a bad mistake as well.

While it's possible I'm misreading what happened, his own brother concured with my assesment. I know that sibling rivalry may have had something to do with it, but those two have known eachother for a long time, and they're fairly open and blunt with eachother. All in all I'm not too worried about it. I've made arrangements to start studying hand to hand with Aaron during the week. It's a situation I think that'll be benneficial for both of us though.

As for Nathan and Kendo, I'm not going to stress about it. I'm seeing now that some of my choices are for the better, and that theres more to Nathan than what i'd seen thus far. I can now understand him better, and I'll be far less likely to take his words to heart in the future. No one is perfect, I know I'm not perfect. I will go so far as to say though, that if he doesn't practice more, and adapt his attitude toward training to a more vigourous light he'll find himself behind the curve. His mask was off long enough for me to see his weaknesses, and I will capitolize on that in future matches.

It was a good day though, deffinately enjoyed it.