An unsettling sense of peace.

I've often wondered what life would be like if I weren't around, if I weren't alive. To day I finally managed to get online after roughly 6 months of down time. So many people, most of which I had assumed wouldn't remember me or even care that i was back messaged me all at once to convey welcome.

I've always tried not to get attatched to things, to people, to places, anything. I hate getting my hopes up and watching things come crashing down if I don't know how to correct an error I've made. I have always fear experience because I hate to be embarressed. Now though with my new found love of surfing I make an ass of my self every living day, but now when I make a mistake I'm more worried about the rip tide than I am about the people on the beach laughing their asses off.

I've looked at my life, and lately I've been noticing that I tend to try and out class myself. When someone tells me it'll be difficult for a beginner it's almost as if I know thats the right path for me to take - the hard way. Always the hard way. but, I have learned on the hard way that once the science of something is learned, the variables are simple to manipulate.

Then I looked at the things I have interest in, and I've found I have expensive taste, and expensive hobbies. Then I looked at my station in life, and found that I'm deffinately the odd duckling. I've decided to get two full time jobs in the airport in an attempt to salveage whats left of my credit and put my self in school. All of the stupid bullshit that I've put myself through has tought me one thing - I'm an idiot. The hard way is not always the right way. In fact the more static you get - the further off base you are in most cases. I always loved solo things, hated - truely hated the group dynamic. Now though, I feel this strange urge to plunge myself into it - head first, learn how to appreciate, and deal with people, how to learn how to like people.

Strange as it may seem all of the study I did in self denial had the effect I wanted to - but I had to restart the hard way on a few levels, a few different times before it started to make sense. Now, here in florida, I see the world stage, and my entrance too it. Now I just have to be man enough to take my lumps of embarressment and make my way through it. I was so weak minded before - so fragile emotionally. Now theres so much fire under my ass financially, that I'm willing to suffer almost any embarressment thats leagel to find releif from it and attain stability - genuine stability.

IT's sad but it means cutting social ties for a while and focusing on one thing and one thing only - work. But It's good, because now I know how precious and music and the martial arts are too me, what it means to find something you like, like enjoying surfing - god I love to surf - and I understand so many things, that I had just preteneded to be familiar with before like they were these grand mysteries that so many people are unaware of - like what leadership and management is.

I've been such a stupid fuck it's not even funny. but, I've made almost every mistake in the book and managed to get back in the saddle, and lead my self further down the road to self discovery and understanding. I'm able to see through bullshit like i've got built in radar now - because I can see someone else telling me shit I told someone who is like me as I am now - and I see wh at I was in that person back then. I reel in embarrassment and kinda laugh at t he same time and the phrase "been there done that" comes banging into my head.

So now that I've had my humble pie it's time to move on and stop analyzing the details and pay more attention to the dynamics of life and learn to surf them. But before I do, I should make peace with who I was, and to the people I've offended. I've got em all but for one, and I'm going to write him a letter now. Hope he's not too upset.

Anyhow. Later world.