Waking up.

Wells 8:05 pm on a saturday. This is my life, out of synch *l*. Oh well. I suppose there isn't anything that can be done about that, I've made my choices. I've chewed on that subject long enough though. I've noticed I tend to think about the future in tentative terms, and I think about it entirely too much.

Well that'll be the last post for a good long time on the subject. Not going to worry about it anymore.

------------

So it's hot in here... way hot, I woke up covered in sweat, I hate this apartment, but it's cheap *l*. I need to buy one of those AC units *l* - crap. wake up call time. later.

Gonads & Strife.

It wasn't completely unbearable, but the knot in my stomach denied me the fulfillment that a can of ravioli will usually bring. Still the french bread was good, even if it was ... french. Bah. I'm fairly sure I know what to do and say on monday, but It's still not anything I'm looking forward to. Regardless of what happens I know what I'll be doing for the next 8 months, so I'm not too worried. - anyhow, time to give Karla her wakeup call.

The Danger of The Mind.

I'm facing a possible demotion at work on account of my own personal thoughts and perspective of my job based on what I've written hear. My seniors appearently feel that I do not support management because I don't necessecarily like them or agree or approve with everything they require of me, and every decision they make.

The whole thing started as a result of my own desire to improve my station in life. Among the many many pieces of information I've come across I have yet to correctly assemble them in a fashion to where the understanding derived from said assembly would enable myself to advance, instead of regress. It would stand to reason that doing the opposite of what I'm doing now would acheive the desired effect. However, many said attempts to do just that have yet to produce the desired effect. I'm not uncertain about myself, but I am very uncertain of the world around me. I've never been at a loss for words like this before. It's just very curious though. To know that my superiors read this is alarming, not because they may disagree with it - but because I did not authorize those people to do so.

My trust in one person in particular, who when last I saw him was a ray of hope, is now laughable at best, I wouldn't trust him with a peanut at this point. Curiously, I now face a number of perhaps log put off, but pressing decisions. Everyone I know at work or else where have continually remarked that if I wasn't getting where I wanted to do, that I should quit, and look for a bettor opportunity. The response I've always given them was that I'm not a quitter, that I'm smart enough to make the best of it, that I could find my way through the never with out anyone elses help - that I didn't need help.

Now I find myself desperately trying to trace back the problem to it's root. Feeling confident in my initial assesment of my circumstances, especially after so much self discovery and training - the discipline I live by now compared to a year ago would bring tears to my mothers eyes. My apartment although shitty, small, and incredibly hot, is always well maintained, clean, and livible, even if it is like living in an oven.

With all this zen I've been pondering and working with and practicing on it's incredibly hard to believe that I'm the one thats errored here. But the facts are indeed the facts. I'm not writing here now to deny the fact that there is a problem or that person responsible is someone else other than me. I am writing however somewhat out of character, and perhaps even predictably and rightfully angry, because the circumstances I face now are a result of someone elses betrayel of my trust.

It is a firm, gut wrenching lesson to learn, what and who it is that you can trust - like being kicked in the face with a red-hot horse shoe on the buisness end of a mule. But I must press on, now that my innocence is faded yet another notch, I have nothing to cling to in defeat, there is nothing useful or worth while in the thoughts and methods that led me to this end in terms of understanding. While the tools used may be the right ones, I used them the wrong way and exposed by back to the wrong person. Now that I've gained yet another scar on my back in a very important subject I'm now better perpared for the next time if there ever is one.

What led me to trust that person though? It's a pity I can't mention names here anymore. This particular person I'd worked side by side with, and then as his subordinate. Curiosuly enough I've been in the same position with all but two of the people I've worked for in this job. My first friend I played in a band with and he quit for one reason or another, and I eventually left that band when they were about to get famous. It wound up falling though though, which made me laugh my ass off. The second guy I'm still friends with for now, he's been cool guy and he's moved on to better things but still works with me. And then theres the guy in question. The one I worked with the longest for the most prolonged amount of time. I'd known him as a friend and then a boss and it was workable. I began to trust him, and he continually said I could come to him with anything. So they other day when he walked over and mentioned the subject I'd been struggling with I had thought that what ever I said would be kept in confidence between us. I was appearently mistaken. That person appearently told the operations manager about what we talked about, and sent him a forward of an email I'd sent him which again I'd considered confidential.

So now what do I do? I don't particularly give a damn. My function has been reassigned - if - I get to keep my position. If I do, what ever he decides he wants me to do I'll do that. If I don't I'm just going to make my priority money, and I will be the best damned tsr on the team. This will likely make people uneasy, but I don't really care. I used to be attatched to work. Now it's just a pay check. Theres no sense of fulfillment in my work anymore. I used to care, I used to think that all my hard work would get noticed, I'd finally be allowed to advance and learn something new. Thats just not going to happen at work, no one higher ranking than myself except perhaps two people maybe three, are likely to notice or acknowledge what I do - and even if they did their sayso would not be something I'm interested in.

I know what I'm worth, and I know what I've learned is still true, I just didn't apply it right. I still understand plenty of things. A year ago when i didn't get promoted this kind of thing shattered me. I'm not going to let it even scatch me this time around. It's been almost three years, they've proven they aren't interested in my services in any form other than a carbon drone, so carbon drone they'll have. In the mean time the horizon is open and I'm only going to allow hell in my life between the hours of 11 pm and 8 am. After that there is no work, theres only my life and my interests. Hopefully this week will prove me to retain my title, make sense of what has happened so I can reassess my professional life, adapat and apply what i've learned and overcome whats been inhibiting me fo so long.

--

In other news, sssuming nothing bad (or atleast nothing worse) happens as a result of the above, The following things will occur:

Selling one amp or the other. 500 bucks + I'm gonna help out my sister I think. I'm not sure how much, but some. Then I'm going to get the check engine light fixed on my car. Then I take what ever is left (if anything) and get new tires for my other car. Then I pay off the parking ticket I had on it. Then I spend every other paycheck on it, getting it ready to roll again - fix the dome light, power locks, power windows, speedometer, odometer, and then fix it's check engine light. Hopefully that'll keep the damned thing from dying too early. Once it's drivable again, I'm going to sell the Neon, and pay back the bank. That'll free up atleast 200$ monthly which will reallly help out alot. I will be getting myself a second job after I get back from Puerto Rico to help do all this shit faster. Jeffs not gonna pay me back the 260 he owes me so I can't count on any help from him, at least not financially. I'm not going to get my pantys in a twist over that though. It's not worth it.

When thats taken care off I'll finish off my RC willy card and my loan at wells fargo and that'll be that. No more debt. It'll suck havin to drive that car again, but oh well I have more important shit to deal with, and I'm fed up with financial institutions, even though this was has been pretty good. When I've got the financial issues dealt with then I'm gonna start saving up for spring. My goal for now is by october, to be driving my old car again, have all my bills paid off, and have 2 jobs.

When I get back from visiting Karla on her birthday in Florida, I'm going to be saving money like a dirty little miser. Basically I've decided I need to have two months worth of gross wages in the bank, plus another 3 grand worth of moving money, and then atleast another 500 bucks. 3500 is hard enough to get, the two months gross wages though, that's gonna take some doin. Thats another 3500. So basically I need 7 grand by spring. It's gonna be -hard-, but with the band playing gigs when I get back it shouldn't be too tough, getting a second job isn't too tough either. I'm going to have to restructure my free time though. 5 days a week full time and 5 days a week part time are going to be a pain, but atleast I'll be able to get the same days off I bet, tues and wed nights/days off.

My bonus checks are usually about 200 bucks pluss the regular check which is 600 - so 800 every other week.

Second job say pizza delivery? warehouse work? what ever. Lets just assume it's 8 an hour. 20 hours a week. Thats 8320 gross. figure it's 6100 net. so half of that by march thats 3050. Which is the movin money.

So now 800 * 8 is 6400

6400+3050=9450 = goal.

Realistically though that extra 1450 will go into one car or the other, maybe both to get them up to par. If that happens to be the case then It's gonna be a tough couple of months, especially if I take a pay cut. But, I don't plan on that. If the band can pull in anything over 500 per gig - divded by 5 I've got 125 extra. If we can play more than one show a month, or a week I'll be a happy buy. If we could get 2 gigs a week that'd really fix things for all of us - that's an extra grand a month. There are 8 months between now, and march.

9450+8000= 17450 - now that would be nice to have to start school with. Basically all I've learned over this weekend is I'm not working hard enough. I know realistically the numbers above aren't sound - but thats just rough guessing, we'll see how it turns out.

GOAL EARN and have in the bank, $7000.00 by March 1st, 2004


-------

Still more news to come - not that there should be anyone reading this. Karla my darling, you are allowed to though.

So yeah, I really dig that chick. I want to say I love her, but I'm going to stick to my god damned guns on this one, she's just my best friend of 6 years untill I get there. I talked to her today briefly which although it wasn't much, it was worth it. I miss her already, but I'm glad she's gettin out there and havin fun. I in the mean time have showered, cleaned, done laundry, cleaned cars, transfered tools, and on the whole maintained the household and gotten very very hungry. I'm going to have to run to the store for some milk so i can slave over a hot stove in a warm room and make some friggin macncheese. Cinderella'n'it. o0 fo shiz. *l*

Crappy though. It's way to hot in here, my clean body is getting all sweaty with out cause - damned heat. It was 100 degrees earlier today - CRAPPY. o0 And it's supposed to hit 106 on tuesday. I'm going to cry if it does. o0 well, no, but I'll be sweating enough to where you'd think I was. No worries though, I'm tolerent to extremes, I know them so very very well.

Anyhow. Now that I've had a few days to cool down from that work schmack I guess I got waaay to bored today. I MODIFIED MY OWN GUITAR. it looks like such a gimp *l* o0 But it sounds better now. o0 - I think I'm going to get back in there and take out the one pickup though, and just neck'it for a while, I need to work on my playing somemore I'm getting slopping, I'll do that tomorrow though, I burned myself with the soldering iron damnit! I was pleased that I managed to do it with out a diagram or anything. What pisses me off though is that the new potentiometers DON"T FIT inside my body cavity, I had to use an old one, which displeased me - but atleast it's workin. The more I think about that guitar though, the more I wanna just grab some fake wood, and fill that fucker in, slap on a hard tail bridge and let my floyd rose days be a thing of the past. For how little I use the thing, it's hard to warrant the tone loss it causes. But... it's my baby, and thats the way it was made. So in the mean time I'm thinkin I'll pick up a les paul somewhere along the line - but fuck it for now, fires out first and then the fun shit.

I've discovered I just looooove single coils in the neck, and the JB in the bridge just makes me giddy. Vai, what can i say man, you have one bitchin rig - but it's not for me. I'm not quite a virtuoso, but I'm certainly more than a riffer, I'm going hard tail, and thats that. o0 I hope you still love me as much as I love you *l* o0 but fuck your rig! o0 I'm a Carvin Belair, Seymor duncan guy! Evo's rule, but man, they just aren't warm or clear enough. No biggie though, you're still a sexy bitch. o0

so then What else did I do - I went to Lagoon yesterday, weeeeeee. o0 Crappy, it was hot and I was tired. It was fun, but crappy. I'm just so damned edgy - I want vacation, and I want it noooooooowww. o0 ^______^

screw this, I'm gonna get some milk, I"m hungry.

Bah.

Shitty day. Going to go to my sisters house and address wedding invitations... o0 later.

In any conflict the ultimate technique does not lie in the form of action, but the responsibility to pour warm tea for your adversary as you offer him your sword.

- Today not unlike any other day, I made a few mistakes. As always the task remains to understand what went wrong and apply what I've learned to better effect the world around me in a positave manner. Hence forth however, this annual will not be updated between the hours of 10:30 PM, and 8:30 AM Mountain Standard Time, due to it's destructive potential on those who do not understand it's purpose.

Also, this page is not to be used on an entry by entry basis. My candid nature in describing my life lies not in the acctuality of the circumstances in my life, but how I have preceive them at the time. Among the many reasons I'm so candid here is because a year from now when I examine what happened last year, to better determan how the next year should go, and what improvements should be made, specific details are necesscary if I'm to accruately recall what happened. Further the details that I leave behind are ofcourse based on my preception at that given time, be it a correct or incorrect preception of what acctually happened. By documenting such a fashion as I grow and gain wisdom and knowledge I will better be able to acknowledge what happened, and more effectively trace the problem to it's root and modify it so it is no longer in conflict with myself.

If you are reading this, it means I have personally authorized you by name via email to use this information to better understand me. If you haven't received such an email it means you have commited several mistakes, and I must ask you to leave and never return, as you obviously haven't paid any attention to the disclaimer I left in bold to the right of this text column.

http://www.manjushri.com/TEACH/jZen.htm

Good lord I am tired. 3 hours of sleep followed by 3 hours of band practice and 8 hours of work, I'm exhausted. Somehow, I still have to manage to hold on for another 6 hours though, 4 hours after which I can call Karla for two hours and then fall asleep at noon and sleep till ten. Band practice was great, even though Jimmy didn't show up... again.

According to the bosses 8-ball, I'm going to get sent home early, marry karla, and "get lucky" in Puerto Rico. o0 I may just have to stop talking to the 8-ball for a while *l*. *strokes 8-ball* Preeeecious!

Right. Too sleepy to keep writing, guh-bye!

I just spent the most amazing two hours of my life on the ph one with Karla. We're so enthrawled with eachother we caught eachother kissing our phone receivers. 8 days to go... sorta. I'm supppoooosed to be asleep right now, but I can't sleep, the emotional roller coaster is movin tooo fast - I can't focus on anything but how I feel about her, and I feel very strongly about her, and think about her alot *l*

It's funny, I've never had this sorta connection with anyone else before, and it's big and it's bright and it's good. I'm just... on top of the world. I can explain it beleive it or not, but I'm not going to. Suffice it to say that the juxtaposition between here and my self is no more than the width of rice paper. I can't wait to break through.

I'm so gi ddy about it I have my messengers turned off, because she wants me to sleep, and I want to as well, but I have to blog this now, while it's still fresh in my mind. LIstening to Vai - Hand on Heart, - and man does it make some sense. It's amazing, I get it. I just wanna hold her so bad though, I'm thinking more about her than my "first love" - music. I have band practice in 3 hours and I'm not the slightest bit sleepy or fatigued, she's got me pegged, thats for sure.

We talked about holding hands, long walks, kissing, hugging, cuddling, the future, everything you hear about in the movies. All that ranting I usually do about how if you want something to be that way, then be that way and that's the way it'll be? I was right, Love is as wonderful or as wretched as you make it.

I've always known there was a certain way to fall in love too, and each time I've tried prior to fall in love or be in love it ultimately failed because I knew I was doing it wrong, I wasn't completely interested or completely dedicated to it. To me it always seemed that it should be friends first - you start with a mind you can count on day after day to change, but still remain alive and fresh, and resilliant to the vast majority of crap that you'll give them and the world as well. Like wise you must be the same way for that person. Next you start thinking "I wonder...." and you wonder about that persons future, and if you are meant to love that person, your chest will get warm and tingle and your heart will swell, you'll feel it, physically, and your state of thought about that person goes from mental, to emotional. At that point you will start to naturally, although it probably feels unnatural at the time, to behave differently, less confidently, perhaps bashfully around that person. This will go on until you can look that person in the eye so to speak, with out feeling bashful or ashamed or guilty or anxious, but rather, full of wonder, excitment and adventure, and perhaps maybe a bit curious too. When these things happen in more or less the same time frame with each person now both the mind and the heart are connected to eachother from person to person. When one or the other gets the courage to admit this and say "I love you" - well, at that point the heart and mind within your self see eye to eye as well. If this happens on both sides simotaneously well - you have Love.

The last step with love, in my view, is the physical sensations, in particular, intimatcy. Most people take the exact opposite approach to love than what I do, as a result we have alot of mistrusting, broken hearted, fearful, mean, malicious, over cautious, pretenious, advantageous people in the world. People want love so badly, but most of them don't know what it is, most people don't want to take the time to develope it, and it boggles my mind. I can't understand why anyone wouldn't want to take the time to understand it. But I do know why it's so. To fall in love, truly, deeply and with absolute resolve a person has to understand, accept, recognize, accept, and control who and what they are. Most people -never- attain this, I don' t know that I've attained this either. In Buddism there is a Sanskrit word: Sramana. It means to be absorbed in the practice of self-perfection. I do not belive that true love can exist between two people who do not constantly and continually practice Sramana. Karla pushes herself to understand the world around her, and she pushes her self to change and develope her art work as well - she is an incredible young woman. Similarly, I push my self with zazen to enlighten my mind, to play my guitar better, to write music better, become a leader, understand the world and people around me, and better function with true purpose in mind at all times. I know why I exist, where I come from, what I'm supposed to be doing, - I understand what it's all for now, and I owe that realization to a number of things around me. Karla, Jeff, Jon, my parents, my job, Steve Vai, kendo, kung fu, Zen, art, music, science. The culmination of life currently is what allowed my to realize I am ultimately the one responsible for the world I see around me, not anyone else.

So now I understand that I am responsible for how I feel about Karla, and as much as I know I should not say this until I meet her, I've known her for 6 years, our minds are linked, and the heart moves so much more quickly than the mind ever has, faster than gravity to a lightning bolt. MY heart goes out to her, and I know with out a doubt that hers goes out to mine, the juxtaposition is nearing its end and soon enough I will have fallen head over heels with hand on heart, in love, with Karla.

The countdown is armed and ticking - 8 days to go untill Maithunya-Agara in Puerto Rico as a result of Sramana and Zazen. Love - it's a zen thing, sorta ^_~

And Karla, if you read this, ^_~ ... *(blank)* - (You know... ^_~)

This morning I had the had the good fortune to have a visit from my old Team Leader, Jon Eschler. Always a pleasant experiance having him around, I've genuinely missed him, on both personal and professional levels. The very aura around him was a breath of fresh air, radiating through the team. I've become a "self starter" recently, and do the majority of the teams contact-per-hour oriented work because I'm faster and more accurate than most people on the team, and I know when things dump into the various systems so I know when to do it. And I also know how to appear to not be doing anything. As Jon walked up i was working and he mentioned the subject at work I've struggled the most with since he left the team, my current Team Leader - Chris Purkey.

Appearently middle management had some misgivings about assigning Chris the team. He's had a continual lack of performance on every team he's managed. His personal skills are in my opinion sub-par at best, and his leadership skills are lacking at best. I've since come to find out that his use of AIM is blatant, and forbidden, in every sense of the word. Something tells me when I finish my statistical analysis of the team performance I may just have myself a promotion.

Transfering this new found information into zen terms, especially after having finished the whole bulk of the Sutra Of Hui-neng, action, examplifcation, timing, insight and intuition, preception, appropriateness, and context are all terms I know and understand the meaning of. The major difference between myself today now, in this chair, and the self that sat here a month ago is one thing and one thing only - examplification. I sit up right now, I do my job to the fullest possible professional extent. This means I have stripped away all the unnecesscary bullshit out of my attitude while working, the "funk" is -over-.

That I understand everything as it pretains to my current responsibilities means if I wish to become held accountable for more than just myself and the role of an assistant, I much take on a scope of insight and awareness not only a level beyond what I endevor to do now, but perhaps 2 or three levels passed that in order to better bring to light why I should be held accountable for the entire team, and become a suitable replacement for my current team lead. At this point it's no longer a personality issue, it's a buisness issue. Buisness is dropping on my shift, and as the assistant, I'm making it my duty to examplify what must be done by making my own stats shine, and come to understand the teams history and trends and then push at the right place with the right preasure, the right way - my action must be precise and appropriate - to lead and empower the team toward a more prominant, substantial performance, in an ongoing and continual basis.

We have a good team here. Now we just need a good leader. Seeing Jon again made me realize that. Thanks again Jon, you really are a good friend, you didn't say a damned thing, but your meaning came to me like a bolt of lightning. I'm in your debt, you have my gratitude.