Today I had the opportunity to hang out with a friend of mine I don't see often, Mike Shepard; or as he's more commonly known, Shaggy.

Shaggs and I talked a bit while we waited for jeff to flake out on the grounds that his mother wasn't jivin with the health thing so much. Perhaps that was true, and perhaps it wasn't. I have my doubts, but no big deal. While Shaggy and I were talkin he asked me again, "when will your Starcross CD be finished!!?" at which point I said "It's a continual work in progress, I won't publish it until it's done, I'm hoping by the end of this year though.

Then shaggy said something I don't think I'll ever for get. He said "In my own experiance as a writer, I've come to realise that there is a point where you simply have to stop revising, or you never make anyting new. If you constantly rework something it looses form after awhile, and just becomes a shadow of what used to be there. It's been a while with my book, so I know how you feel, but man - we KNOW YOU"RE GOOD - JUST FINISH THE DAMNED THING!!! OK????"

Thanks Shaggy. I needed that. I suppose it helped cemment the realizations I've had as of late. My unlocking my first Koan, my constat reanalisys of my friends, my swordsmanship, my distate for my ex girflfriend Kate, and my recent fling with that creature from on yonder, the terror that must not be named, - It just helped validate that I had infact left the crossroads, and that I knew what my path was, or presently is. I guess the wind sorta blew me on the corse I wanted to go, my instinct that I just had to wait for the wind to change, or for the right tide - seems to have been correct. I always felt like I was out of synch with everyone, now I understand why.

Thusly, or perhaps reptrospectively is the best way to put it, my edict for life that I've stuck to for so long seems to have been the ansewer I needed. That being "Don't learn to live, learn how to learn." - That said, next week I'm going to crack open that bloody music theory book of mine, and rememorize the notes on my fret board, memorize every single note in each mode in order, and then I'm going to take chord theory by the horns, and learn chord progression better than I know it now, which will help me put the finishing touches I need for Star Cross. I have all the data I need for the samples, and I've finally found a drum kit sound set that I can work with, and guitar tone set that I like. The research is 95% complete, but now I recognize I can still work at it as I learn that last 5%.

Andrew was right when he said I didn't know how to correctly my own faults. I never bothered to consider that aside from my ever firm grasp on zen as the days go by, there are other sources of knowledge you can still learn a great deal from and apply within a Zen context. For Andrew's insight, and Shaggy's Verbal Kyosaku, along with a strange flashback to my experiance in Tokyo last year, Jon leaving Graveyard, my parents and I on good terms, my sister getting married, my best friend a father, Shaggy married, and everyone else I know for the most part somewhat farther down their own path. I discovered that it wasn't just -them- that had changed, I had progressed, learned, grown, advanced as well - I just didn't realize how far i'd gone, the view hadn't really changed as fast as I thought it would and it threw me for a loop. But t thats not important anymore, the fact is that it happened, and I'm ready to live again. The X Y & Z axis of understanding have finaly all hit a 90 degree angle on a single point, me - I found my bearings, found my triangulation that I needed. I understand where I am now, I understand what I've been doing, which now means i can map out what I want to do, and visually, and mentally see what changes must be done. I suppose this is what they call prajnaparamita - wisdom on the other shore, or satori awakening, - Kensho in a fairly faint sense, nothing so deap as true enlightenment, but I know now I could do it if I so chose.

That said, now I can choose to do anything, and I can succeed at it, not because I'm better than anyone else, but because I understand i have the ability, and facility to use that ability to attain my goals.

Keep your eyes open, because there are a few things bound to come this way that'll be of interest of you. Next stop?

MAITHUNYA-AGARA!!! - BRING IT!!!

I feel better now.

The band finished their demo today and I've been playing it most of the night. I dont' think this is going to go well. We shouldn't have recorded it. It wasn't worth my 50$ bucks. Theres plenty of fuck ups on it, and it's not mastered well. Recording a demo after only two months of playing together was a bad idea. I was all excited about buying a new amp, to play with the band and I'm not so thrilled about that idea now. I can't justify wasting 530 bucks for a band that sucks like this one. It's not my style of music. The guys are cool, but I come from a completely different world. It's just irritating, no one is serious about it, and theres maybe 3 good songs we have. I don't know if I want to be involved with it any longer, but at the same time, at least it's practice. Oh well.

I don't know where to begin. The crap running through my head right now is pulling in too many directions. None of them are helping any. I can't get my thoughts to take shape so I can deal with them. I can't calm down. I'm just - agitated, and on the verge of becomming angry.

The only thing I've ever wanted in life truly, was to be a solid person, to break passed the crap I learned from a poor example as a child to get -out- of the crossroads and on with my life. It's infuriating when you realize that at the end of the day everyone has the best of you, and you have no clue how you got in that position to begin with - when you realize you're nothing but a fool. Then they say don't feel bad. What a pain in the ass. I'm taken advantage of, and I don't even know how! Whats worse is at the end of the day I don't even know who myself is.

Here's what other people have to say about me:

" I just finished reading Will's blog. I've come to think there is something wrong with him. No, he's not a bad person. He just has a very selfish way of looking at things. As if the world should revolve around him somehow. If something doesn't go his way, instead of considering that maybe he hasn't reached a point in life where he deserves the "statis" it is someone, or something else's fault.
He's also overly self conscious. Judging without considering the simple and very basic truth, (one of a very few that have come out of the bible) Judge not; lest ye be judged by that same judgement. (Jesus Christ) I can only think of two things that may influnce this behavior.
One: He has not experienced enough in life to correctly determine his own faults.
Two: He suffers from a severe case of jealousy, and, or a lack in people skills."


Sounds accurate enough. I can't even begin to understand how I got this fucked up in the first place though. I know it's me that's got the problem. I still don't know completely how to fix it, muchless how best to fix it. I never had anything remotely close to a good example on how to do anything, that includes change. I need help, and I'm far too proud to go to someone for it, and I'm to nervous or afraid to trust anyone else; might just get taken advantage of further. I'm not afraid of help, just being helped the wrong way.

Damn it's frusterating. I can't find -anything- to get my bearings from, the more I try the worse it gets, and if I don't try I just get run over, trampled, ignored, and obscured. Thats how it seems. I wish I could break out of myself and just burn it all. There has to be a way, I just wish i could identify it, recognize it. I need help. I just don't know where it is, or where I am.

Funny, I'm supposed to be a leader. Isn't that sad?