Mile Markers

There are stages and steps and phases to a persons life. For me these never seem to simply block up and manifest in single events or even gradually. Rather I seem to experiance all of lifes magnanamousity in every single breath. The tornado in my mind however fell as flacid as the french army today. Bliss.

For me motivation has always been the most difficult thing to find. As a Gemini I am a voracious seeker of knowledge, and an incredibly indecisive about many many things. As a Rooster I am head strong and arrogant. As a personality I am an Introverted Judging Inuitave Preciever - type cast Guardian / Protector. As a lover I am an Introverted Feeling Philosopher. As a man, I am a Zen Buddhist, a Musician, and a martial arts student.

What possible goal could a person structured as such have? Too many. How to narrow them down. Simple, find the most common denominator between them all, divided by ability, multiplied by earning potential, divided by stability. When it's named down to just two contestants it's pretty easy. Which one makes the most money.

Where in lies the motivation? Even simpler - freedom. For too long my life has wandered in circles. Well, a spiral acctually. The irony is all of the confusion and disorientation, the agony and the fear of embarrassment, it's all lead me to one thing. The spiral hasn't been the downward trend as we so often allow ourselves to believe. Life is much much simpler than that. Now that I see what I've achieved, and what I have not, it's very clear to me I've been headed in the right direction all along. The reason I am so indecisive is not because I am fearful, it is because I'm not as foolish as I seem. It supprized me at first, but today at work I noticed alot of things about myself in contrast to other people, and I was pleased at what the hue brought me.

Later today, not more than 3 hours ago while watching Troy, though while watching it brought me to the train of thought, my mind wasn't on the screen. As I watched I started playing my little life review again, highlighting the choices I've made. For too long I made the choice not to chose. I began to reason that if I constantly chose to act, and simply made the choices as I came to them the odds would always be 50:50 that I would make the correct action if I had no experiance to judge from. As I thought that very sentence I then realized I had mastered the art of indecision, and if ever there were a man capable of avoiding anything, it was certainly me. While a long life could be lived that way, it would be incredibly dull. That spiral was acctually heading upward, not downward. How do I know this. The gravity of the situation was inescapable, the high you go, the easier it effects you. The choices I spoke of were places along that path that I could have taken a side route on and learned or experienced something. I instead chose not to think about whether or not I should, and insisted that the only correct action was to reach the top. I however believed I was heading downward, and the ultimate knowledge that I was seeking was somehow at the top. The irony is that there is no top, and not ultimate knowledge. Everything I've learned, I figured out "on the road". Hence the immortal phrase - "life is a journey, not a destination". Truer words were never, ever spoken. That said - I don't make enough side trips. Boiled down to the most common denominator? I don't make enough choices about my life.

Well duh.

I had always wondered why people enjoyed things, why they could find amusement so easily when I could not. I'd always been accused of over thinking and indeed that was the case. But over thinking why I had been over thinking only turned out to cluster fuck things even further. It's like trying to stitch hamburger back on the cow, or nail jello to the wall, direct action is not required, and it is incredibly ineffective.

So what was the answer? That was the simplest of all. It isn't to not give into emotion - that is far too direct, the cow is in enough pain as it is, no point in trying to gacet it's pride back onto it, it'll heal if you just leave it the fuck alone. Nor is it to give into emotion, plunge the nails into the jello all you like and all you'll do is add rust to your desert, what a fine time that'll make for.

You are like a cow. You have feelings and things can hurt, but when you are injured the last thing you do is try to treat the open wound five million different ways. Instead, take your medicine, and the nurse will bring you jello.

The key is oneness with yourself, and with the world around you. Buddhist as it may be, the answer is supprizingly simple. Enjoy life, pay attention, and just because you skin your knee you don't have to sit there and think about every single action you made up to that point that led you to that problem so you can fix it. If you spend all your time looking up or down for cause you'll only bring aout the same effect, hamburger stitched knees with rusty jello. Trying to actively have fun is like nailing jello to a wall. If it were ment to be that way everyone would be an archer. Clearly that can't be the answer.

So where is the motivation? Tomorrow is now. The past is the present yesterday. That should be enough motivation for anyone.

So now that there is motivation, the goals come into play. Good times are comming, they are going, but most importantly of all: They're staying.