Aaaaaaaaah. Clean, awake, happy. Let the good times roll. 10 days to Puerto Rico. I feel like a teenager again. There was so much about "fun" I never understood. I always had this holier than thou attitude about it. I never saw the need for fun, or understood why everyone was so hung up on it. Well - I get it now. I get it, and I -like- it. When I was a young kid I hated change. If my dad shaved I just became mortified - my world had changed. The stupid shit I thought when i was a kid. Man *l* it's enough to bring a guy to tears with just how -stupid- I was. I don't think I really latched onto what "change" was or what "time" was until I was like... 18? I never saw a need to push myself or test my limits because I didn't understand change. I didn't understand that I wasn't the same person every single day. I was really good and creating illusions and lies for myself though. I knew I wanted to be this great guy ya know - movie star leadin male role kinda guy. I always saw myself as the hero and the like. When it came to real life though I was always so goddamned scared of everything. I was affraid to audition for solo spots in choir, I was afraid to join a sports team because I couldn't ever open my mind passed what I was - I was scare to death of change, it mortified every fiber of my being saying "this isn't normal, go back, stop, turn around, sit down, shut up, and let someone else do it - you'll fuck it up and they'll all laugh at you."

I would lie about to stupidest things too! Oh my god how lame I was - I can't believe people let me live after some of the whoppers I told em, my parents especially. Granted they were some shitty parents, but I certainly wasn't perfect then, and I'm not now. I guess I was just such a needy wanty bastard I felt as if I was above them and didn't owe them an explaination for much of anything. I guess the root of all the lies I told though wasa lack of self confidence and self esteem. I was the kid who knew everything but wouldn't or couldn't prove it, had everything but wouldn't show you, had been everywhere, - I was the greatest at everything, blah blah blah. Oh lord no I wasn't. I was full of shit. I refused to acctually gain experiance because I was so goddamned afraid of everything. I know now where that fear came from, and that was the example I followed from my father - the man who was ever backing down from everything himself, blaming the world for all of his troubles. Really he never changed, and largely he hasn't changed much since I've known him. But really I don't hold it against him now.

But because I never bothered to push myself I never understood just how valuable time was then or is now. If I had it to do over again I'd have done it much differently. But I don't. I have to deal with what I've got. So for the next few years I'll be mixing spirited Teenaged Fun with Adult responsibility and discipline, combined with the insight and judgement of zen in the context of a student, musician and perhaps even as a leader and boyfriend. What ever is going on down the road for me it isn't for me - its for who ever is there now. I've spent my whole life being behind the crowd and behind the times. Now It's just time to accept the fact that the ship I had a boarding pass for has sailed and that I deliberately chose not to get on the bloody ship.

I learned a lot on shore though. I've learned plenty more than I'd have ever thought possible, and I sure as hell took the long way around too. But I learned to swim, learned how to build a boat, so to speak. Really it's just time to experiance shit. I'll be going to alot more shows now, playing out more gigs. taking the time to understand things as I learn them blah blah blah. Basically fuck trying to catch up. I'm here now, and for the last 21 years I haven't done shit with them I've just kinda acknolwedged that time was moving and that I was changing, but I was still trying to catch up to the people I knew - tried to get back on the boat. I almost made it, probably could have made it too - but I held back, twice - and on purpose because I knew I had no idea what to do when I got on that boat.

No biggie though. So for now I'm going to focus on here and now. Coincidentally that was the last corner stone I needed in my quest to understand leadership *l* - god I'm an idiot.

Anyhow. I'm still in a great mood, 2 hours before work and I'm feeling awesome. I'm acctually excited to go to work for a change. Who'da thunk it.

I'm in a great mood!!! I slept for about 5 hours. I'm gonna get my ass in the shower - but when I get back, I'm going to post quite a bit I think. - Later.

ZEST FULLY CLEAN!!!


It didn't tingle - I sat there waiting all lathered up - nothin, notta, zip, zero, zilch, nil, CRAPPY! But I'm cleaan ^_^

Band shit:

will, kevin called today and gave me the information to give you concerning the web site. the password is the first two letters of all our names kejujiwi. the user name is 134music.com. he said not to use dns because it it won't be up for a couple days. he said to just type in 208.187.240.245. I guess thats the address you can link it to and then we would be able to access it later by 134music.com. if you have any questions call me at home.
keep it real
justin

Just another quick not. I bought some Zest bath soap/cleaning bar stuff today. o0 I've never used it before. I'm hoping it'll be a "zesty" experiance before going to work. I wonder if it really makes your skin feel all tingly n shit. o0 weeeeee!

Another good day so far. I've learned that keeping this damned blog makes me alot more disciplined in my personal view of the world around me. The more I reference back to myself the more I can see if I progress or not. I'm able to better decifer whether or not change is happening, or not - or whether it's necesscary to whats happening at the time. Sometimes just trudging through something is the best route - all the shit washes off at the end of the day anyhow right?

So I was trolling through my dream theater CD's and I made a mix of tunes I knew I enjoys listening to - so I slapped it on and showered. For some reason, I was able to hear the lyrics to one of the songs better than before. Curious to see if I'd heard it right or not I checked a lyric search engine and I was pretty close.

The song is Innocence Faded, from the "Awake" albumn. Awesome tune.

Animation
breathes a cloudless mind
Fascination
leaves the doubting blind
Until the circle breaks and wisdom lies ahead
the faithful live Awake
the rest remain misled

Some will transcend spinning years
One as if time disappears

Innocence faded
the mirror falls behind you
Trinity jaded
I break down walls to find you

Callow and vain
fixed like a fossil, shrouding pain
Passionless stage
Distant like brothers
Wearing apathetic displays
Sharing flesh like envy in cages
Condescending
Not intending to end

Some will transcend spinning years
One as if time disappears

Innocence faded
the mirror falls behind you
Trinity jaded
I break down walls to find you

Beginnings get complicated
the farther we progress
Opinions are calculated
Immune to openness

Beyond the circle's edge
We're driven by her blessings
Forever hesitating
Caught beneath the wheel

Innocence faded
the mirror falls behind you
Cynically jaded
The child will crawl to find you.



I listened to it a few times in a row and realized that I just now finished the exact scenearo that this song describes and I noticed further that Karla is about half way through that as well. She's movin alot faster than I ever did though. I dunno, it's not life changing for me - not any more - but i certainly do appreaciate that freak coincidence that this brought to me, especially after a pretty lengthy chat today with Karla.

It also put Jeff into a much greater light when I thought about it. Last night I helped him baby sit and the fuck bean was talkin about buying MAGIC CARDS. I about fell through the roof. He was talkin about spending like 40 - 100 bucks on GAME CARDS. I wanted to -strangle- him. He's got a car loan to pay off - and I finally found out where that came from and how he got himself wrapped up in that mess... I can't believe he did it, but fuck if I care now - he can deal with his shit. It just floored me though. Here was money he fully intended to piss away on petty shit like GAMES when he could slap that 40 bucks on a bill and make his life easier - he's got plenty of damned cards anyhow. Also, he could just fuckin sell the few hundred dollars worth of cards he's got now anyhow and fix his problems better.

I'm trying not to judge him though, I moved to michigan for a girlfriend once. Oh well. ON the bright side, atleast he's miserable. I konw that sounds malicious, but really, he had all the chances in the world to -not- feel miserable and passed up on them. Now he's in a shitty relationship that he can't easily get out of with out accepting who and what he is on the inside - and it'd be impossible for him to retain his mind as it is now - he'll feel like shit for a long time if he does break out of this, and he'll be miserable if he stays with it - atleast for a few years to come anyhow.

Still though, I feel bad for him. Part of me says it's my fault for not breaking those two up sooner, or atleast not trying. But fuck that too, his life, his consiquences. Anyhow. I'm gonna go get a nap in before work. Peace out world.

Well, the vacation is booked, I leave the 23rd, and come back the 31st. I'm diabolical. I just can't wait to get there. I hope the next two weeks fly by quickly. Listening now to some Vai, Man I love steve vais music. I wish I could put words as to why that would do it some justice but I just can't. I do know however that Steve Vai's Music will forever be a part of how I preceive the world. There's a great deal to be learned from his music on many many levels and no matter how much I try I can never seem to quite understand him. I know what I think of him, but like myself, I get the feeling that he's still working on "it" - or himself.

Hand on heart. Man I love it. Makes me think of Karla, and the comming vacation. It's the that rope that saves your ASS when things are bad, the pillow when you really need a good nights sleep. It's the smooth ride down the highway holding a special someones hand, that brilliant sunrize where you feel alive and revived. For me it's the culmination of all things pleasant, blissful and meaningful. It's the pineapple I'm eating now. Man it's good. ;_;

I dunno, I've come to terms what who and what I am. Took my time getting there, but thats fine *l* least I know. I'm comming to terms more and more with what it means to write music, what it means to compose music, what it means to earn a living, as opposed to go to work. Suddenly the pressure to pay bills, be a success, build a life and so on and so fourth - it's just not a big deal anymore. I've learned what it means to shift my financial perspective, my mental perspective and my physical perspective. I'm just not affraid to wait in line and say "I want this" and I'm not affraid to correct people when they fuck it up.

Hair cuts are a -perfect- example. I've never had a hair cut I liked. Ever. I've always been afraid to tell the person "no no, not like that" - I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I didn't want to be scolded with the "i'm a professional" bit, and I didn't wanna startle someone else and have them fuck up. As a result I've had the same shitty hair cut for the vast majority of my life and guess what - IT SUCKS.

Next hair cut I get I'm gonna be like "you will OBEY" when I tell em what I want *l*.

Similarly though, with work I'm not afraid to sit there and take the innitiatve any more and just fuckin deal with shit in stead of going "hey boss, mind if I send this guy some strings?" I've been there long enough to know what we can and can't deal with - and lately I've noticed that it doesn't matter what I do anyhow, I might as well do something.

Taking it a step further again - getting farther out of the hood of the car with all these personal adjustments I've been making - There are somethings I'm going to start doing regularly. I'm going to assign the two hours before I go to bed for zazen. I'm going to print off a bunch of things to remember to do and tape them through out my desk and home and start dealing with them as they happen. For example when I'm done cooking I'm going to put a sign over the sink that says "DO THE DISHES BEFORE YOU EAT" and another one on the computer that says "DID YOU DO THE DISHES?" - and like wise for work. Except for work I'll make a single solitary list on a clip board and go that way.

When I return from vacation I'm going to search for a new place to live, some place with climate control, a real, 10 foot ceiling, and a decent fridge/freezer. I'm hoping to rent that place in Kaysville. I'm also going to fix up the celebrity, and when it is running again, I'm going to put the neon up for sail - I don't need that 250/mo expense anymore - 80 was fine and the bennefit of that car over the celebrity was pretty minimal to begin with - I was just eager to have something new, and I now realize that it simply doesn't matter. Cars are not forever.

So when i get back I'll be getting a calender, a planner, breif case, working on my wardrobe, and depending on how things go with Karla, welll... ^_^ lets just say i may take steps to make that relationship a bit more concrete, from friends, to good friends, to "more than just good friends" to "dating". Time will tell, but I have a pretty good idea about how it'll turn out.

Anyhow, I'm gonna go, need to see if band practice is happening. If not, I'm gonna go bug jeff for a while. Later world.

Sifting the backwash of my co-workers my final detatchment from work has occured. I genuinely dislike my job now, and a good portion of my co-workers genuinely agitate me on a regular basis. I'm going to buy sunglasses and ignore them hence forth. It's been fun, but after 3 years of this crap I've finally warmed up to the concept of why people have no emotional attatchment to their work. A perfect example of this would be the man who asks "what are you doing" as I write this. Obvious I'm writing. Why? Because I don't want to be involved with the current conversation. I tire of treading over the same subjects with no visible progress. Bah.

In a bit different direction... When I get home, I'll be recording the final take for Olympian, and likely spend the rest of the day finishing compositions for the albumn. Hopefully all of the serious recording will be done, tracked in stereo dry and panned dead center. Then I'm going to take that theory book of mine and devour it's wholesome goodness (drive myself insane), and then get a minidisk recorder, the phone recorder so I can finish the sampling.

Then I need to finish this damned Zen book of mine, head to the Kanzeon and put in a few hours of zazen and finish the conceptualizing for the art work and then beg and plead with karla to have her help me with the website.. Then I need to speak with Tyler about helping me with this cgi-bin idea of mine.

Hopefully by september or so everything will be done and I'll be able to RTM the bitch. Here's hopin. Later yall.

Now riddle me this batman. How do you deal with a situation in which you can't get what you want or need, but know something must be done. While the cirumstances aren't dire, they sure are irritating. I've never had stress at work before, and I know I deal with pressure well. I've just never had someone find so many flaws with my work before untill I got a new boss. I'm not sure how I'm going to do with it, if at all. It may just be that this is a signal to find a new job. I can't say I'm deeply offended or anything - it's just irritating to work with this guy, he's got all the warmth and charm of your average chainsaw. He just doesn't understand how to build people up, he's what I would consider overly critical. It's just very very difficult to discern where his job stops and his ego begins, because both of them have the same icelike exterior. It's just an incredibly irritating situation to deal with on a daily basis.

I know when I go to work I'm supposed to be an example for my team, but I'm continually publicly berated by the guy. Normally any time theres anything serious to be addressed, every boss I've ever had would have sent me an email or talked to me at the end of the day or during regular performance evaluations, of if seriously needed, take me aside in private and discuss it there. This guy just has no appreciation for that kind of approach. Everything he does is wide open in front of everyone - thats not just me either - he'll sit there and rag on Josh about him being to emotional about his work and I'm just like "man, if you're gonna give the boy the professionalism talk, do it in private!!! disciplinary action needs to be handled one on one - it's not a public circus!"

But thats just me I guess. I'm not sure whether I should find a new job, send in a complaint, or just grin and bear it. Bah.

A note to yourself good friend:

Share this - http://www.do-not-zzz.com/

I'm understanding more and more the meaning and frame of mind that we attach to our lives. Speaking with Jason on the subject of power and prosperity I see amply why when possess this thing called ambition, and it saddens me to some degrree. There is unfortunately not enough of physical life to support the ambitions of every man, and as consiquence, the world we live in is both immaculate, and flawed.

Also, as I watched the last theatric release for Ruroni Kenshin today I saw evidence of this further. While I try to limit the truth I infer and draw from fictional works I do try to take into acount the circumstances and direction of the artists life that drove him to construct such a world - for a far more deadly artist, a politician, a buisnessman, a military leader, who takes that same vision and implements it upon our real lives does the same thing as an artist - but in a far more sureal and concrete way. The decisions of these men become the reality of our lives, and we go on unaware of it. Seeing this movie made me realize that artists of any kind understand just as much as a militaristic or industriatve mind does, and perhaps even further so, in that they can conceive these things with out taking action, and exposing mankind to the consiquences of such fatal mistakes as war.

Comming full circle now to Zen, and more immediately my growing feelings for Karla, this understanding I've gained helps me even further with both aspects of life, as though they are both mirriors at my right and left side - I cannot behold them both. However, Knowing what I do of art now, and how it relates to Karla, I can see into her mirrior and precieve her being and understand her far more so than before in relation to the universe than I could have before. So it no longer tears at me that I must choose one of the other, I can still keep sight of Zen through karla's actions. Like wise should Karla ever decide to give up attachment, she will likely see the Universe in me - just as I do within her.

Ineresting how an afternoon in the dark can bring a man to such understanding - it's always the last place you look, and in my experiance, it's always involved crappy springs pressing against my back. You'd think one of these days I'd just replace the matress, wouldn't you?

Well it's been a wonderful week on the whole. I gotta say, knowing what I do now, having the experiance I have, makes life much more fulfilling, even if I know better than that already. I gotta admit, if I'm going to be attatched as I am, being -good- at it is indeed a necesscery thing. Lately my creative juices with song writing have been flowing, and thanks to Karla I've found new virtue and need in my acoustic guitar. While I can't say I've ever been fond of acoustic instruments there is a beauty there I'd never stopped to consider before. With music, sound engineering - the mixing and mastering in particular - we're always removing parts of the sound, or modifiing it one way or another so just the "beautiful" parts can be heard, or made more audible than the rest. Or we modify and add onto a sound to make it beautiful. I have found though the sound of something as it is, is what allows us to define what beauty is, not the effect put on it, be it a delay pedal to music, or a dash of eye shadow on a young womans face. Curiously enough as I attempt to grow attatchment to form - the form of what I wanted, of what I thought I wanted has changed. For the last week or so I've been composing completely dry, be it distorted or clean playing. I've found that the sense of movement I enjoyed from a delay pedal simply no longer suited me. The sense of motion has been replaced with the feeling of expression.

It all started when Karla said she didn't really want to paint, she wanted to animate, to bring something to life. I realized then that a painter has no effects. You can't do much more than smear the paint, change it's tint, use different styles of paint brush, different stroke etc - but the paint is still paint. For a painter to make a truly exceptional painting, like DiVinci's Mona Lisa or Vangou's Vanllia sky, they have to manipulate their mind through a paint brush to convey what ever it was they wanted to see that life like and real. It's unlikely that they'd have been able to do so if they were attatched to the subject in anyway. Karla's mention of animation takes that particular attitude a step further, in that there are many many paintings of the same thing done in such a way as to depict motion - 24 frames per second to be exact. There are of course many techniques and frames of mind one can use to accomplish this - but unlike real life where every waking moment is everlasting in the present as it occurs, animation cannot function that way - the frames would be limitless, and you couldn't run that through a projector fast enough to ever reproduce real life. Animators have to examine the subject and chose the 24 -best- moments of every second and use those to convey motion.

How this relates to music? - I used a delay pedal to show how my notes were changing, the last note I played was echoed behind at a lower volume in tempo with what I was playing. It gives the music a sense of deapth, like it's already happened and you're remembering it, just like animation - it can be done again and again, just hit rewind on your cd player or your dvd player.

So whats the key? I want to paint with my guitar, not animate. I find that the true art isn't the music, it's me. As I live in breath in every moment that moment is lost forever, and it weaves back in upon itself constantly as the future becomes the present - the conditions may be the same for each identical action - how many times have I typed "I" in this post alone? And yet my fingers based on what I was typing before hit the "I" button a different way, with a different amount of force, speed, and direction of impact each time. "I" am always "I" not matter how I approach "I". Same with music, same with painting. It's Nowness, baby.

So what else is there to this realization? The guitar, the amp, the recording the composition, while all external from myself, are relatively meaningless. It's my mind that clings to these things, but now that I no longer want them, the music stands on it's own - just like a snow man or a painting. Once it's done, it's happened, it can't happen again. Animation defeats reality just like a delay pedal, and allows us to feel the samething over and over again with real physical stimulis - while Just playing, or just painting is a one time shot - and thus is priceless. Granted I can record myself playin witth out effects, and karly can make a black and white color flip book - but ultimately the present moment is the key. The beauty of a painting - you can repaint the same thing, but it's never quite the same. I can play moon light sonata as many times as i want but it'll never be the same ultimate work it was the first time.

The definitave version of a work of art is defined at it's conception, and not it's finalization. Man was perhaps not defined at it's Birth or it's Death, but in it's journey from one to the other - it's transition, it's change. So where does that leave us? Ultimately we own nothing, not even our own bodies. We die and the body fades back to whence it came, leaving neither attachment or care to what it was. When we all die, what is left of Art? What is left of Music, of Painting, of Sculpture? It is not for us to decide what is left. It is for whom or whatever find our remains to discover.

Taking a similar approach to my personal life I read an email today from Karla in which I felt compelled to offer advice on how to handle leaving ones child hood behind, but not forgeting how to be child like. I didnt' comment one bit upon the subject in my reply however, and only mentioned that I was looking forward to talking to her when I got home. It is difficult advice to give indeed. But much like the painting and the animation, the playing and the delay - Her childhood isn't defined by age, but by understanding. In that perhaps ever unenlightened mind is childlike in that it does not understand true reality or true existance, there lies with in us childishness at every turn - and more starkly so at every thought. So how to express nonchildishness to my darling karla in adult terms? it is quite simply impossible. I am not enlightened, what possible way could I have to explain now to not be childish when I am so attached to so many things on so many levels for so many reasons. I may have a grander preception - a wider scope to draw from, but my no means does this qualify me as enlightened or "adult" - just more mature. Ultimate matureity though, exists only in theory, upon enlightenment such a term has no meaning, it's temporal significance is virtually nil. Any enlightened being recognizes immediately what maturity is and is not - but does not look inward upon itself for such a thing, it has no self to mature - it simply exists.

In that I cannot adiquately express this further with words I'll subside my thoughts on that for now. But Karla is indeed on my mind as i attempt once again to get my ducks in a row for an impromptu vacation at what roughly equals a months notice. How I do enjoy the ramparts of life - You cannot see through them, only between them, and any shot you get at the target -must- be taken, else the seige lade is waste. Survivalistic, some what spartant of me yes - but thats just how I am. I recognize that there is bounty enough in the world for everyone to make a plethora of mistakes and still survive. Financially it does not distress me in the least, even though I have zero money to finance this little venture. Infact I'm selling a newly aquired amplifier just to make the trip, and hopefully some gig money inbetween now and then just to make it. Further, I'll be asking my grand mother once again to help me purchase this so I don't get hosed on the fares again. I hope she can help me. If not, well, I hope that amp sells fast. It's an insane amount of money to travel by air - I really dislike that *l*

But the thought of being able visit someone I've known for 5-6 years, who's been a friend, a good friend, and now perhaps more than that... it is indeed a shot I have to take, even though I've taken similar shots myself and failed I now understand why I failed, and now know how to succeed in those same kinds of situations. I suppose it's just a matter of understanding the experiance. So with any luck the last week of this month will be filled with memories that I will forever remain attatched to.