Thursday, May 21, 2009

Down To The Wire

As my time in the Marines comes to a close I've found myself in a wonderfully annoying position. A handful of guys slightly senior to me have decided that since they only have two months left they aren't going to do anything, unless it involves making me do more work than they do.

I'm turning 28 here in about two weeks, and these guys are younger than I am. I'm about ready to break from my normally collected and non-confrontational nature and start really digging in to these kids because I'm not going to carry their weight just because they think they've earned the right to not do anything and get paid for it.

I get out in 6 months, and I feel as though I deserve a small about of consideration so I can get some things done in my life for a change, instead of working constantly and being undercut by people who haven't figured out the basics. I suppose it's arrogant enough, but I really am better than most of these guys in the relative sense, but not in the absolute sense. Just because someone is a skilled worker, doesn't make them a wise leader. Foolish leaders, or leaders who's technical prowess out weighs their common sense and ability to anticipate the needs of both the organization as well as the team workers are what enables the stupid shit to happen.

When it comes down to the wire and the pressure is on the only person you can count on is yourself. The marines have let me down in every way possible so far. I'm tired of this game and I can't wait to quit this job. I just hope I don't give up before I can be honorably discharged, because I really want to disappoint myself violently at the moment.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Hardest Lesson

In the time that I've been a marine I've learned a lot of things. But the hardest thing I've learned in my life was recently. You just can't force love. Can't make someone love you. Hell, half the time you can't believe someone when they say they love you. You can't break up two people and expect it's going to work out. You can't compete for someone's heart. You can't start out in love, you have to be friends, for a long time. Friends are pretty wishy-washy a lot if the time and most people don't know what real friendship is.

I made the mistake of coming between two people and I feel so terrible now that I doubt there's anything I'll ever be able to do to actually be her friend. I don't think she wants to be friends anymore and I don't think that anyone could love a man like me if they knew what I've done here.

I still think she's making a mistake and that she's being pretty childish and very selfish about the whole thing, but I definitely fucked up big time, so I really can't say anything in my own defense.

I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, but this was the worst and it hurts more than anything I've ever felt before because I really honestly do love her. I cuts like a knife because she says she loves me, but says she loves someone else too. I'm either a fool, or she's a liar or both, but what ever the case, it's too late now.

I am never making this mistake again.

Monday, April 30, 2007

All fucked up again

I'm sure theres something horribly wrong with me - because anytime I try to help someone it just blows up in my face. Fuck this life.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Not Quite A Glass Ceiling

From time to time I'm forced to recognize my own short commings. While perception of something has a great deal to do with what something is, or isn't, if you agree with someone elses perception of you denial will only get you so far before you just have to own up to it.

I'm lazy. I don't want to be, but I am. I'm not competitave either. I don't like it when people are better than I am, but the fact is I don't care enough to make sure I'm better than someone else. Doing my "personal best" isn't a thought that enters my mind very often. Infact the "make due" mentality controls me so much that I don't even have a regular laundry day.

Here at 4:40am on the 8th of march 2007 I realize that it really is me holding me back. I see the opportunities to excell and don't take them. Nothing keeps me in bed, I know I can shake off the tired feeling, go eat, get some working out done, or practice something or read or anything at all, but instead I choose to sleep.

I blame my inability on outside factors when really the problem is internal. Not only is it internal, nothing is broken. I just don't do things.

I need to finish the things I start before I take on any more. I need to stop lying to myself thinking I'll get to it. If I think that, I'll never do anything.

Monday, February 12, 2007

The Verge

Just one of these days I'd love to write that something wonderful and remarkable happened in my life and that theres been a permanent and everlasting change in my life thats impacted me so profoundly that I couldn't imagine my life in any other way.

Instead, it dawned on me today that I've got no such luck. I am still on the verge of something wonderful, and I have NO CLUE what it is. Holy crap is this annoying. Enough with the foreplay *l*.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

A perspective on truth.

The last 24 hours or so have been the kind of moments I truely live for. I was watching devils advocate last night, and afterwards had a wonderful conversation with an old friend whom i'd had feelings for at one point. This morning I wandered up to the computer and decided to do some reading on one of my favorite guitar players - Jason Becker. Then I realized I had one of his CD's on order at the music store. I wasn't feeling particularly guilty about it, so i opened up a file sharing program and looked the man up and started listening to the music on that cd.

The reason I'm writing now is because after talking with my friend and reading about Jason and his life, listening to his music and that of his colleagues I felt something that I don't often feel - connected.

I've changed so much recently. Iraq really did change me. The way I see things, do things - all my habits don't make a lot of sense anymore. I remember when I first started this blog and named it Zen. I thought somehow I'd master zen and use it as a tool to administer change in my life. One does not master zen, let alone anything. If anything, it masters you, puts you back in your place, helps you see thats where you've been the whole time anyway.

I've listened today to Jason becker, Vinnie Moore, Steve Vai, Joe Satriani and John Petrucci, and I can see the direction they went, and how they went about it, but none of them went straight to the source, because it's not possible. Instead they just be as they are, let the sourceless come and go as it pleases. Each of them in their own time and manner. But their message is the same, even though their voices and words as it were differ quite a bit.

I've noticed though, that it's the recipiant that has to do with the quality of ones grasp on truth, ones understanding of knowledge. Seeing things in such a manner makes it seem pretty daunting, but i suppose once you move passed all of the wonder and amazement, the blissful feelings and rays of golden sunshine, really, no matter how wonderful it is, you're going to have to clean up after it.

I used to look for the perfect girl to fall in love with, thinking life would finally live on it's own. What a joke. No kidding, life is work, it doesn't need you to live on, you need it to live on. You're either with it, or against it, theres no middle ground. It's a tad stark at first, but eventually you'll realize if you want to be happy you have to be deluded. If you want to be enlightened you have to be deluded. There is no enlightenment, not that i've found. Koan after koan only leads you back to nowhere. Only teaches you nothing. If you take anything from it passed that, you're only deluding yourself.

Reading about Jason's spiritual beliefs and hearing his music makes me wonder about alot of things, but what struck me the most was that I've had similar experiences with out half the hell he's had. If i've got the kind of insight he has now, he being many years my senior and lacking his physical disability, it dawned on me today that no kidding, i'm wasting my life. But as wonderful and awe inspiring as that was, and how badly i wanted to pick up a guitar and play i knew that was more delusion. Music isn't the answer, it's the means. what i need to do is zazen. I need to be like Jason - he's a vegitable in a wheel chair, but a wonderful man all the same.

Never would have thought life as seen through the eyes of a man in a wheel chair would be the one thing that put a fire under my ass. Go figure.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

My chi is totally fucked with.

Ralph persists, no signs of weakening in sight. Sand is everywhere. How it's possible for humans to live here instead of merely survive is beyond me. They can fight over this petty bit of sand all they want too.

At my age I'm beginning to see just how pointless, and utterly usless maturity is, and what the mature do not think in terms of "i'm mature". They just going "whatever kiddo" and leave you to your own devices cause they don't want any of that slather on them.

I'm thinking that in order to unfuck my chi I'm going to have to develope more of the not my problem young grasshopper attitude because the whole caring about the world bit just isn't cuttin the mustard.

Also, I've determained that with the amount of bullshit i deal with in a day and for as long a day as I work that some me time is in order. Hence fourth, I will spend one our just doing absofuckinlutely nothing. And why? Because for that hour i don't have to do anything.

Now I just need someone to add one more hour in a day so i can have that hour.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Don't hold the light

I've been wanderin
now for some time,
been thinkin bout it
in my life

couldn't see
what was right there
didn't know
I didn't care

And chase the shadows
across the halls
get my hopes up
and everythin falls

And it comes around again
a familiar pain
comes around again
like a familiar friend

don't hold the light,
just let me find,
don't try to guide me,
i'm perfect blind

searched and searched
for a place to rest
could barely stand
couldn't hold my head

and in a flicker
of your eye
i saw the beauty
I had chased through the sky

after all the things
I've seen and done
and all the reasons
you were the only one

And now you're here
and I've figured out
what i've been missing
and i no longer doubt

so i hold you
and you hold me too
I see you
and you see me too

Yeah love is blind
it's not a lie
but i can't help
but look into your eyes
cause what I find
is what I need
and what I needed
was to feel...

can't hold the light,
just let us find,
no need to guide us,
we're perfect blind

yeah perfect blind...

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Strip alert sucks.

I just spent 12 hours running around the flight deck like a chicken with his head cut off. I want a puppy, a girlfriend and some sleep.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Rocks & Dirt, SAND!

Sweet hell. It's mid august in Iraq. It's fucking warm, the camel spiders are everywhere. We're due home in about 60 days and I can't wait to not be here. 3 more years of this hell to go. I can't wait for Dec 12th 2009. I want my life back.

It's funny. Been reading over some of the past entries in here. I've changed alot. Still the same old me, but way more mature. All my planning turned out to be worthless. It's funny. Any time I try to draft the course of my life and then act it out it always goes wrong. I kept writing in options that weren't open to me.

As it stands now I am a marine, not planning to join the service some day. I am a helicopter mechanic, not interested in seeing what sort of prowess I can attain in the vocational elements of the professional world. All my big words and clever whits have finally found where they belong.

I've kinda dumbed down a bit. I did study zen, and still do. I'm on my 4th koan now. I had kensho while I was out here and it's been an amazing deployment.

I'm almost ashamed of my previous entries seeing how stupid i was, as if I had a clue. Used to figure everyone was fucked up but me, as if someone I was the one person who understood it all. I'm a retard ya'll, for real. I still know all sorts of crazy shit and know how to do a ton of shit, still been all over hells half acre, but I found whats important to me. I know what i wanna do, the life I want.

For the first time in a long time I know what i want in a woman. I know how to get myself to where the options are available. I'm not afraid to interact, to challenge any more.

Lifes pretty good. And the last few days have been very awesome with the down time we've had lately. I'm happy as a fat kid on a twinkie.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Insert meaningful title here.

I don't feel so creative tonight. But lately I've been the life of the squad bay with my whitty commentary and oblique sense of humor. I met my instructor today and I found out that mentioning things like "now I can't edge dress your balls" probably isn't such a great idea infront of most snco's. SSgt Hess is a good Marine. Just needs a sense of humor to go with his sense of duty. At least thats how I see it. So what the hey.

Lots of changes lately. Most noticable would be my ass. It still feels flabby but it's bigger now. Stronger somehow. I wonder if running 8 goddamned miles a fuckin day up the goddamned mountains has anything to do with it. PT is gay. Oh well.

In other news the riptide on the cali beaches is shall we say, robust? Holy fucking christ. I'll never do that again. Life guard looked at me like I had a death wish. If I coulda seen the riptide commin I wouldn't have been out there jackass.

Bah. I'm done. o0

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Alone

When I sleep at night I feel cold. Not just the lack of heat, but my mind feels as though it's frozen solid. I can't shift my thoughts as much when I'm asleep. I got to thinking about it and I realized with all the new people I"m meeting, it showed me how truly alone I am. I feel alone even when I'm around people I know and trust. My wavelength of space is uninhabited it seems, population, one.

I think of Karla often these days, particularly of when she and I kiss. I miss that. I'm alone now, and it hurts. For the first time being alone acctually hurts. I've never been through this before. The agony of it is I know I'm strong enough to bear it, and stubborn enough to do it. It just hurts so much though, seeing everyone together, and being so unavoidably lonesome. I used to think that if I could put enough things in my life, music, martial arts, zen, work, family, that love wouldn't have and space, that I could get by with out it. Well, I can do it, and have been. I just don't want to get by any more though. I'm tired of surviving emotionally, metnally, physically, and financially. I need a reason to keep on going. For the first time in my life, I"m afraid, and I don't know what to do about it.

They say the right person will come your way, that when it's meant to be that it'll just happen, you'll bump right into eachother. I hope thats true, because I don't want to be alone forever. I want to grow old with someone. I need some place I can finally relax, finally sleep like the dead and wake up alive, right next to her and remember the reason I keep waking up everyday. Why work, why do anything if you've got nothing to live for? I know what I want, and at this point it's what I need too.

It just seems like I'm asking so much of the world though, as if me being happy would somehow through the balance of life completely off and everyone else would be miserable. I don't think I could stand that kind of guilt. At the same time though, if I"m miserable either way, I think I'd rather have someone than live alone.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

For The Love Of God.

I've been rained out of work for two, and tomorrow probably three days now.

The dentist should have killed me, it would have been kinder.

Justin won't let me near my computer because he likes to make out with his girlfriend.

I want to talk with her again, and I don't know when it will be.

For the love of god, why can't I escape this nightmare.

-

I should elaborate. I've spent alot of time online lately because I've been out of work due to weather. I'm not sure how long this will last, and I don't need any short paychecks. Today I had two cavities filled and I'm not sure what was irritating the dentist, but I've never had that kind of experience with dental work in my life. He seemed all sorts of upset and I'm not s ure why. What I can recall quite vividly is him wrenching on my jaw like it was a can opener. That did not bode well.

So I came home to write here about it only to find two teenagers playing tonsil hockey, and that meant the computer was out of the question. And since myspace.com is having perpetual issues, I couldn't see if she was online. I'm irritated.

ONe tiny piece of solice though, there is some steve vai on this computer, and For The Love Of God is on it. At least the day ended well.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Helping People

I signed up for a friend meeting thing online and I've met a ton of cool people. One of them is a young woman named Izabelle. We got to talking tonight and I realized that she's got some genuine spirit in her. She told me about her past which i won't get into detail about, but we sifted through some of it and I think she learned something, gained something from it. Makes me happy to know that all of my self examination can help others too.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Moving on, and moving forward.

Well, in the few short months since I've been back from Miami I've prooved to myself yet again that I lack good decision making skills. But in an effort to minimalize that weakness and turn it into a strength, I've made the biggest decision of my life and tomorrow I find out if it will work out.
 
I'm joining the United States Marine Corps. It's not a decision I've come to lightly, but I've decided I need to do this. I need to be in an environment where I don't have the authority to make choices, and I need to be in a place where i can be trained how to properly evaluate and make good decisions. I've made a mess of my life because of what I want. Now I need a solution, and an education so I can prevent this kind of thing from happening again.
 
All things considered it's a positave move forward. I just hope tomorrow goes well, because the rest of my life is hinged on it.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Vision.

Alot of times in ones job you come across a meeting where theres a kind of vision they'd like you to have. I'm not the sort of man who wants a job. I'd rather a career. I've landed a new job that doesn't suck. I think I may just catch this ball and run with it. The pay is right, the work isn't too hard, but it is of course, sales.

At any rate. I'm starting to see where my life is going. And thats a good thing.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Evidence.

Lately, the meaning of many things has become evident. Ever since I went down to the Kanzeon last week things have been on a different path. Wide observations come to me in flashes I can't understand in what I would consider to be deja vu, even though the scope of whats happening in these fits is not yet clear to me.

I don't know if I'm halucinating, or if I'm becomming one, or if it's just coincidence. I already don't believe in coincidence, and I already believe in karma.

Where I have trouble with all this is how do I make up my mind on what to pursue. Do I read about these experiences and seek out their meaning. Or do I go to the Kanzeon on sunday and ask the Roshi.

Unlike most things, I feel a strange sense of immediacy about this, as if somehow this can't wait any longer, that there is no further to go. That somehow I've already arrived, I just can't figure out where I am.

At night I feel as though my whole being cracks appart, and not at the seams. It's as though I'm cracking apart like an egg. I don't know which crack to push on, or if I should. I don't know if I'm making sense, and that concerns me. I'm not afraid, but I'm aprehensive. What if there is no going back.

It's evident that I know there is more to this experience than what I've come to know. What I don't know is if it's safe to pursue. I'm not afraid of the danger. It's what my friends and family will feel if I'm gone suddenly. I don't what my escape to harm anyones life. I think it's that compassion and generousity that's holding me back. I've always had a hard time defining for myself when to draw the line at what to care about, and what not to care about. I've fooled myself many times into thinking that I didn't care, or wouldn't care. Now I find myself aprehensive, but I know I must make a choice. Just how far to I travel this road?

Monday, June 14, 2004

The Esoteric Nature of Music

Recently I was asked about the hidden nature of music and how it effects the minds emotions and the like. The following drivel is what I told the inquirer. I hope he lives.

---

Mark,

Music, not unlike any other langauge, is only esoteric to those who lack command, comprehension, and skill with it. It is both substance and form, the two of which abide in precisely the same mode of existence in the fundamental sense.

As to the natural meaning of specific arrangements of frequencies, I will answer as best I can.

In this discourse I will try as best possible to keep the metaphor as consistant with the langauge we both speak, English.

The scale of english is the alpha-numeric system. The same system exists in music but in strictest of sense it is far less complicated, in that it has fewer variables. Music being comprised alphabetically of letters A, B, C, D, E, F, and G are in 5 of the 7 cases subject to an abstraction one half tone/semi tone/half step down, or up. Thus creating an A/B note (a sharp or flat) for 5 of the 7 notes, giving us a total of 12 acceptable and recognizeable tones to work with.

Whole tones are considered the letter names A B C D E F and G in their unaltered form. Semi-tones are their diminished, augmented, major or minor properties. Music in it's dynamic nature can be one of the most confusing langauges because it lacks words in essence, but also bears the ability to facilitate a profound abstract image in ones mind.

The notes I've given you have a specific pattern in which the tones are spaced in terms of semitones. This spacing is called the Major scale, because out of all possible configureations each tone rings the truest (meaning its frequency is an even number, and not an odd one when viewed through an osciloscope). The mircaculous thing is that before such tools were invented one JS Bach was able to take someone elses appearently perfect ears and through several years of composing and careful abstract reasoning, arrived at the bulk of what is recognized today as "Music Theory".

The pattern for the major scale is as follows. It's often been asked why we think of music in the Key of C, and it's simply because on a piano keyboard - which is what Bach used to make this system - the formula I'll relate to you shortly was found to be played easiest along all of the white keys, and this pattern in turn, started on C. Coincidentally closest note to the middle of the keyboard is also C. Go figure.

So then from:

C to D - Wholestep
D to E - Wholestep
E to F - Halfstep
F to G - Wholestep
G to A - Wholestep
A to B - Wholestep
B to C - Halfstep

Thus the major scale spans 12 semitones using only the most prominant of tones. Upon repeating the transition from B to C one reaches the root or tonic of the scale - C. Because if you kept counting by number of notes in a scale, when you hit the higher/second C you would be on 8, from C to C is considered an Octave, even though there are twelve, very distinct notes between the octave points. So the primary numbers of the major scale are 7, 8 and 12.

To understand how mood is created it's important to understand the relation of each note to the root of the scale, which brings us to scale theory in the form of modular understanding, or as you mentioned, the modes.

The seven modes are, in their order of appearence in the major scale:

C - Ionian
D - Dorian
E - Phrygian
F - Lydian
G - MIxolydian
A - Aeolian
B - Locrian

Each of these points art considered intervals, and from these intervals their secondary forms are dirived, primarily as major, or minor, all of which is assessed by the placement of the mediant degree in each chord voicing. What is meant by meadient, is the 3rd degree of each mode. I will illistrate, but first you must understand the difference between major and minor. To understand this we will work with the Ionian mode first, and then apply the basic principle to each mode in turn.

From C to C the notes are as follows. C D E F G A B C.

To determain whether something is major or minor one simply looks at the keyboard. Between E and F and B and C there is only a half step, instead of a wholestep. If we had a whole step between eachone we would have microtonal music, and 14 equal steps per octave - which isn't uncommon in some parts of the world, but for those acclimated to western notation the soud of such a scale would undoubtably be jarring and unnerving.

So, counting from C, C is the first degree, D is the second, and E the third. What determains the major or minor property of a 3rd degree is the distance in total semitones it is from the root of the scale. So, E is 4 half steps away from C. 4 halfsteps is considered a major third, and 3 is considered a minor third, because it is diminished by one halfstep, thus minor in comparison to it's unaltered counterpart, the major form.

So what you're looking for in determaining whether a mode is a major or minor voicing is the 3rd degree of each mode. In that the Major Scale and the Ionian mode are both the same, I have found with most students it is best not to bring up the word scale, since a scale by itself is merely an instrument to measure, and a mode, the actual vessel of travel that music is to use. So from here on out we will use the Ionian mode in place of the term scale.

That said, the following rule applies with universal application. The 3rd degree of each MODE determains it's major or minor voicing, you simply count the half steps.

So, from C to E the voicing is major.

C to C- Ionian Major
D to D- Dorian minor
E to E- Phrygian minor
F to F- Lydian major
G to G- MIxolydian major
A to A- Aeolian minor
B to B - Locrian minor (diminished)

The Locrian mode, while not the actual diminished scale is a minor voicing, but diminished in nature in the regard that the next element of mode based chord construction is now addressed.

The following intervals are considered to be "perfect" in that they have no major or minor properties. Octaves, fourths, and 5ths. Octaves, if added too by a halfstep become a minor 2nd and if subtracted from, become a major 7th - there is no space on either side that is unacounted for. Between the 4th and 5th degree however, there is one halfstep yet to be addressed. This is both the Augmented version of a 4rth degree (which is seldom used in that context) and the diminished 5th, or flated 5th (to which it is more often refered, especially among jazz musicians).

The rule of thumb for viewing this note as it pretains to a chord, the most basic form of which is called a triad, consiting of the root, a 3rd, and a 5th is this:

If the 3rd is major, then it's an Augmented chord, if the 3rd is minor, then it is a diminished chord. In the case of B Locrian, it begins in the diminished fasion, though in its entirety, is still a minor vocing of th ionian mode.


So then, to constuct the mode based triad chord, one simply takes the 1st, 3rd, and 5th degree of each mode, and this provides the correct triad as found naturally within each mode, and as you say, this understanding is somewhat esoteric in that only a privaleged few understand this method, and fewer still understand how to apply it's abilities within the context of music.

Thus ends the lecture of scales and modes. Now let us move on to intervals proper, and inturn to chords.

Intervals are not inextricable to scales. Scales are comprized of intervals. In truth there is but one scale, though many variations of this exist, namely the 7 you just learned, plus the many variations of pentatonic scales, and dminished scales which have 5 and 6 notes per scale respectively, as opposed to the traditional 7.

Intervals are best viewed in the chromatic sense, that is to say, with out key established by tonic of the Ionian mode.

To recap:

C - 1st Scale Degree
D - 2nd Scale Degree
E - 3rd Scale Degree
F - 4th Scale Degree
G - 5th Scale Degree
A - 6th Scale Degree
B - 7th Scale Degree

This outlines whole intervals. Now to further illistrate the major, minor, augmented, and diminished properties, we'll add in the semitones, which are also called accidentals, and this is where the term accidental comes into play. Accidentals come in three forms, sharps (which look like a number sign "#" - which I will use to illistrate as we continue) flats (which look like a lower case "b" - which I will use to illistrate as well as we continue) and naturals. (no equivalent on the keyboard exists so I will notate this as "<>" as we continue.)

You may view any accidental as either sharp or flat. When dealing with a key that contains a sharp or flat and you wish to make it a whole tone, the natural sign is used. So below, both sharps and flats have been notated simotanesouly to cement the concept.

C - 1st Scale Degree
C#/Db
D - 2nd Scale Degree
D#/Eb
E - 3rd Scale Degree
F - 4th Scale Degree
F#/Gb
G - 5th Scale Degree
G#/Ab
A - 6th Scale Degree
A#/Bb
B - 7th Scale Degree


Properly their interval names are as follows:

C - 1st Root/Octave/Tonic
C#/Db minor 2nd
D - Major 2nd
D#/Eb minor 3rd
E - Major 3rd
F - Perfect4th
F#/Gb Augmental 4th/Diminished 5th/Flated 5th
G - Perfect 5th
G#/Ab minor 6th
A - Major 6th
A#/Bb minor 7th
B - Major 7th

Again, between B and C and E and F there is only a halfstep, thus creating perfect intervals.

Now then as this pretains to chords, and chord voicings.

You know how to create a triad, and how to make them major or minor, diminished or augmented, the last classification that pretain to basic triad chords is that of suspension.

Suspension is the movement of the 3rd degree to either the 2nd or 4th degree of the mode in question. The suspension is notated as either sus2, a suspension to the 2nd degree, often felt as an uplifting sound when resolved back to the 3rd degree from the second - or a sus4, in which the suspension is taken to the 4th degree, and when resolved often has a sound of relief or elation - much hymn music is based upon suspension work in standard classical chord progressions.

Suspensions can resolve to either a major or minor 3rd, and in the case of a sus2 chord, the suspended note can also be minor, which has one of the more gut-wrenching sounds that music theory has to offer. Still, to some there lies beauty in what many would characterize as pain or agony.

The second lesson of basic chords is now complete and the 3rd and final lesson of chords, before the subject of composition comes into focus is that of extended, altered and inverted chords. In a word - Jazz.

Obviously with 7 notes in a scale if one so desired, he could hold down all 7 creating a frightful noise, which perhaps to some may be musical. In taking a more selective approach in our choice we move onto chords which are refered to as 6ths, 7ths and 9ths - the most common of extended chords.

A 6th chord is a triad with the 6th degree of the scale added, all of the same rules apply. To have a major 6th, the 3rd and 6th degrees must be major, to have a minor chord, the 3rd and 6th degree's must be minor.

A 7th chord omits the 6th degree, but the same rule applies to it's major and minor properties.

A 9th chord omits the 6th degree, but includes the 7th. This is where the rules of chord theory become somewhat subjective and detatched because now you're working across two octaves, as the 9th scale degree is acctually the 2nd degree, but one octave higher. In effect this produces 6 options for a chord:

A strictly minor, almost diminished chord,
a strictly major, but by deffinition, suspended chord, due to the 2nd degree of the mode being involved, albeit an octave out of place,

and then you have the gray area that Jazz musicians are so fond of. What happens when you don't major or minor -all- of the involved degrees? the 3rd, 7th and 9th degrees? The answer is unofficial, Bach died far before any such non-sense(ical notion) was proposed by the bored classical musician - the jazz musician.

Altered chords come into play when you omit any given degree in a chord yeilding what is called a "broken" chord, meaning it lacks classical structure.

Chord voicing has to do with what is called chord inversion. Essentially chord inversion is a function of triads, and not extended chords, because the extended chord ultimately posesses two, and sometimes three indentifiable triads within themselves - giving way to a variety of key change, and chord progression options, which we will discuss soon.

Chord inversion is simple. Inversion of the 1st degree places the tonic of the chord an octave higher than it's original location. Thus Cmajor would be written as EGC and not CEG. Inversion in the 2nd degree is similar, but now the E rests on top in the expressed form of GCE.

Now that you have all of your chords the rest of it as they say is "art". This is where Bach proposed a classical form, and relation, of each mode degree to it's tonic. Again using C as our example we continue with the following classifications for each note in the major scale, or ionian mode.

C - Tonic
D - Super Tonic
E - Mediant
F - Subdominant
G - Dominant
A - Submediant or Natural Minor
B - Leading or Seventh


And now a breif discourse on the meaning of each word and it's attachment to it's scale degree:

Tonic - The root of each mode or scale. This is always the 1st degree, or octave point of any scale or mode.

Supertonic - This is meant that it is above the tonic, both in tonality and expression. The sus2 form triad clearly exemplifies the meaning of supertonic, play the chord on the piano and shift the 2nd from a major 2nd to a major 3rd and you will understand in no uncertain terms.

Mediant - This is the spine of any chord, thus it is in the middle, and mediates the abilities and properies of any triad, - this is where all of your wiggle room in chord construction comes from.

Subdomninant - This is where most tension is mounted in chord form, when released to a major 3rd the feeling is that of releif. When released to a minor 3rd the feeling can be somewhat stoic and forlorne. When augmented it is given a further sense of purpose, most of which to my own mind appears somewhat ethereal in impression, it is what I would consider to be as nuetral a sound in music as I can think of - the scope of this nutrality is in my experience depentant upon the 5th degree, or dominant, or whether the chord in its nature is extended, altered, or voiced/inverted - it is very much a relative feeling, but nuetral none the less.

Dominant - Because a scale is comprized of 7 notes there is a clear middle point, the 4th degree or Subdominant. The reason the 5th degree is considered to be the dominant chord is because it in effect stresses the completetion of the scales natural course, thus decidedly glass-half-full in nature, if not 5/7ths full to be more precise. When diminished the same rule of nutrality applies as it would with the 4th degree or subdominant, save for this fact: If the 4th degree is already in play, from the suspened point of view this can, much like the minor second have an incredibly jarring sound, the sound of which to my ears sounds some what spiteful, but not necesscarily evil. The minor 6th on the other hand is quite the evil devil, especially in a broken chord that facilitates the minor 2nd.

Submediant - This is the flipside of the 3rd degree, the 6th degree. It's an unassuming, slightly anxious sound. It's often characterized as a indecisve voicing because it feeds so easily from a nuetral mediant. This can be thought of as the upstairs to the downstairs. If the mediant was the wiggle room in the living room, this would be the wiggle room in the attic. Further more in the metaphor of a house, this is also what is called the natural minor scale, or Aeolian mode. What this means is that when played A to A it forms the most perfect diatonic, or melodic paralell to the path of the major scale, C to C. Every single interval from A natrual Minor to C major is either a major or minor third, thus making the Mediant of E reduced to it's submediant A in the same degree, 3rds. A crystal clear understanding of this concept is imparitave when we begin to lay melody over a chord structure, or attempt to frame in an existing melody with chords or supporting harmony lines.

Leading or Seventh - As the name implies this is the true nuetral point in that while it can be major or minor it's inherent function is diminished and thus builds tention not only in it's mode based chords 3rd degree, the minor third, but also in it's 5th degree, the diminished or flatted fith, making for quite a sad, forelorne chord. But, this tension, no unlike that of a spring, is very easily resolved by the movent of either the 3rd or 5th degree in either direction.

This is the majority of the knowledge I belive you saught, the scale knowledge was cited simply for reference, and the chord knowledge reviewed to give you a fresher view of how best to build tension from chord to chord.

Chord progressions themselves are outside the realm of theory and in the ever relative and subjective scape of "composition" in which ones own temprament seasons to taste.

To answer the latter of your citations such as key signatures, key changes and chord progressions let me elaborate further.

Key signatures simply bear the halmark of where on the audible playing feild your composition resides. Each, much like the position one takes on a mountain have their own view of the relative surroundings. Key changes thusly, maintain the same essential and fundamental theoretical structure as outlined in some detail above. Chord progressions in turn define movement within that theoretical structure. Should a desired movement not exist in movement within a given key when all chord structures have been exhausted, as often can be the case, one may shift keys, or borrow from another key that best suits the temprament of the chord progression, and in doing so one shifts key, either accidentally, with a sharp, flat or natrual, or intentionally, with a key signature change.

As for the esoteric nature of music, again I maintain that there is no such thing, it is a langauge, and therefore able to be understood by anyone who can learn, which is everyone. However it's nature is esoteric in that many of the properties revealed here are indeed not as obvious as one would hope, and in view of that observation may appear to be quite secret or hidden which indeed may be construed as esoteric.

As for moods. This is the most absolute relative of questions. Does a dog have a buddha nature? Mu. It is with out, or so said Zen Master Joshu. I imagine Joshu would have been quite the jazz man. But as Joshu would also point out, any mood preceived is a result of reaction to cause, and thus, is the effect. So how to create the effect should be the question.

The stalwart answer is ofcourse experience. There is no substitue for this the most esstial of tools for both zen buddhists, and musicians alike. Experimentation and adaptation create the "mood" the effect that mood has on the listener or creator has to do with two elements of cognition, one of which you mentioned - when. Or as you put it rhythm.

This again is highly relative and any jazz drummer will tell you that what ever comes naturally is best. Arrangement of theory - when somehting happens, is a function of rhythm, in which a tempo is assigned, and music measured in factional form, most commonly 4 beats per measure, and a quarter note giving one beat. The most common tempo for this time signature is 120 beats per minute. With a quarter note as one beat one may split it into smaller pieces, normally in halves, to create 8th notes, 16ths, 32nds, 64ths, and so on. Rhythm has never been my strong point and I tend to wander in my own music to some degree with out strictly adhearing to the established beat of the music, simply because I perfer a more open approach to the "when". For more information on the mood of rhthm, find a jazz drummer, they will know how best to explain it's properties and are better qualified that I.

The other issue is "how". This is a matter of skill and in a word, musicianship. Often among guitarists, a players "feel" or "soul" is refered to. Most guitarists develope their own particular methodology for employing the theoretical concepts of music theory, or breaking them, by means of perhaps 10 or so recognized techniques, some of which have further subclassifications, or in the more extreme and perhaps notable occasions, self discovered techniques - most of which are dirrived out of necessity, or sheer boredom (as best I can express in my own experience atleast).

The culmination of mental accuity, coordination, understanding of music, rhythm and a sixth sense of "to what degree/extent" to do something a players style is dirived and thus it is said "this is how I get my groove on". Often times one sees one musician say to another when one is in this zone of concentrated effort "get down with your bad self" or something similar. This is both a recognition of anothers ability and concentration, as well as a compliment to one who appears to have grasped, in part or in full, their own personality and channelled it into their playing.

When I get down with my bad self and people ask how I simply say "It's a zen thing". That perhaps is the esoteric property of music - that is is only understood by the composer. The rest of it is appreciation and speculation.

And thus ends the discourse on the esoteric nature of music. I hope you find this lecture to be informatve and helpful if not enlightening. The best of luck to you in your pursuit if any, with music.

Best Regards,
Will Gray
Zen Guitar Guy

--

I suspect that could choke even the mighty rhino if viewed in a whole sitting. Happy trails Mark, you'll be on this road for a while I imagine.

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Origin

I've been on this website with a message board system. I happened across a spiritual board and I've learned alot in the last few days. Most of which has helped cement certain conclusions I've been circling around, and spiralling to for years.

I've begun the study of reiki, and starting next friday, I'll begin my formal study of zazen, and hopefully, a new lifestyle. It's going to take time, but I've nothing to lose if I fail. Might as well.

I've felt a huge desire to pickup the study of a few things lately, so I'll be dividing my time by day, and then by the hour, so I can regiment the interests equally. I'll spend some time figuring out exactly how this is going to be done, and then draft a schedule. In the meantime though, I need to spend the next few days preparing for friday.

I feel like I'm this close to solving the puzzle I've been working on since I was a young child. I'm very interested to see what the study of zazen and reiki produce, especially when it comes to application in the area's of guitar playing and kendo. Time will tell, but I feel as though i am very very close to finally unlocking the origin of my own existence. I am eager to pursue these things.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Compatibility

So it sucks not having a girlfriend anymore. It's not a feeling I'm unaccostomed too though, I've spent the majority of my life alone, I can cope well. But curious as I am, I can't help but wonder what the next one will be like. As I thought about it, I realized Karla and I never really fit well. We tried. God we tried. And tried hard too. But, when I thought it out, boiled it down, and really looked at it, we had two things. Feelings, and friendship. Two very important things. But in my view now, I realize that much isn't enough to put the right amount of wind in the sails. Or is it? It wasn't for me. My life is faster paced than hers, I'm always on the go. For her, the gentle serene moments were sacred. To me they felt like life was on pause. Romantic as I can be, charming as I am, and devilishly sauve as I'm not, I felt like I was living life in a hamster wheel. All the effort, none of the progress.

Then today while cruising through a personals website, just kinda feeling out what people were really like, I realized something. Almost every single one of these goddamned sites has a personality compatability tester. So, I registered, took the tests, and then registered again, and filled it out based on my observations of Karla.

Funny thing about compatability, opposites attract best, and the more extreme the opposition the better. So I found out that I'm a Idealistic Philosopher/Wheeler-and-Dealer. Karla is a mystic writer/craftswoman. Not compatible. Karla is a scropio, I'm a gemini. 2 outta 5 stars, thats not even a D-. I was shocked.

But, I thought about it. We are very very different. After a while I was just banging my head on the desk going "duh!!!". So then I looked to the chinese Zodiac. I'm a Rooster. Compatible with Oxen and Serpants. Karla? Not an ox, or a snake.

So then I went to the Kersey personality type test. I came up as an Extraverted, Intuitave, Thinking Preceiver - type cast as a Guardian/Protector. Curiously enough my name William - means The Determained Protector/Guardian. Curiously enough again, my middle name means the provider/prosperous business man - Edward. And lastly, my last name Gray means Sage/Wiseman.

William Edward Gray III. o0 If ever there an aptly named man, it was me. ^_^

So I thought about it, good long and hard, like a stiff schardine and I came two a few conclusions.

One. We were supposed to be friends, not lovers. Worst parts over I guess. Still though, it was fun.

Two. I'm supposed to have someone a bit more lively, someone who can keep up with me, on land sea and air.

Three. I have a lot of work to do on myself to get where I'd like to be in life. Out of all my possible occupations from a businessman to a Trama surgeon to a military man to a teacher I think that money should be the focus of work, so screw the glory, I'm puttin on a three piece suit, and I'm not lookin back. I can still tend to cuts and scrapes, tend to my childrens learning and protect them all the same. It all makes sense now. The big thing i have to do is master my decision making process and stick with them. I have to develope a way to stop second guessing myself. I've always known that I had the capacity for greatness. I've always known my life would end on a positave note, and I've always known that it would have it's ups and downs.

Now I know why. Life styles, just like people, need to be compatible with that persons personality.

Funny. I used to think as long as you wanted it, you could be happy with something. Buddha strikes again, want bad, need good. Strange though, everything you need winds up being what you want once you realize what you thought you wanted isn't what you needed.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Mile Markers

There are stages and steps and phases to a persons life. For me these never seem to simply block up and manifest in single events or even gradually. Rather I seem to experiance all of lifes magnanamousity in every single breath. The tornado in my mind however fell as flacid as the french army today. Bliss.

For me motivation has always been the most difficult thing to find. As a Gemini I am a voracious seeker of knowledge, and an incredibly indecisive about many many things. As a Rooster I am head strong and arrogant. As a personality I am an Introverted Judging Inuitave Preciever - type cast Guardian / Protector. As a lover I am an Introverted Feeling Philosopher. As a man, I am a Zen Buddhist, a Musician, and a martial arts student.

What possible goal could a person structured as such have? Too many. How to narrow them down. Simple, find the most common denominator between them all, divided by ability, multiplied by earning potential, divided by stability. When it's named down to just two contestants it's pretty easy. Which one makes the most money.

Where in lies the motivation? Even simpler - freedom. For too long my life has wandered in circles. Well, a spiral acctually. The irony is all of the confusion and disorientation, the agony and the fear of embarrassment, it's all lead me to one thing. The spiral hasn't been the downward trend as we so often allow ourselves to believe. Life is much much simpler than that. Now that I see what I've achieved, and what I have not, it's very clear to me I've been headed in the right direction all along. The reason I am so indecisive is not because I am fearful, it is because I'm not as foolish as I seem. It supprized me at first, but today at work I noticed alot of things about myself in contrast to other people, and I was pleased at what the hue brought me.

Later today, not more than 3 hours ago while watching Troy, though while watching it brought me to the train of thought, my mind wasn't on the screen. As I watched I started playing my little life review again, highlighting the choices I've made. For too long I made the choice not to chose. I began to reason that if I constantly chose to act, and simply made the choices as I came to them the odds would always be 50:50 that I would make the correct action if I had no experiance to judge from. As I thought that very sentence I then realized I had mastered the art of indecision, and if ever there were a man capable of avoiding anything, it was certainly me. While a long life could be lived that way, it would be incredibly dull. That spiral was acctually heading upward, not downward. How do I know this. The gravity of the situation was inescapable, the high you go, the easier it effects you. The choices I spoke of were places along that path that I could have taken a side route on and learned or experienced something. I instead chose not to think about whether or not I should, and insisted that the only correct action was to reach the top. I however believed I was heading downward, and the ultimate knowledge that I was seeking was somehow at the top. The irony is that there is no top, and not ultimate knowledge. Everything I've learned, I figured out "on the road". Hence the immortal phrase - "life is a journey, not a destination". Truer words were never, ever spoken. That said - I don't make enough side trips. Boiled down to the most common denominator? I don't make enough choices about my life.

Well duh.

I had always wondered why people enjoyed things, why they could find amusement so easily when I could not. I'd always been accused of over thinking and indeed that was the case. But over thinking why I had been over thinking only turned out to cluster fuck things even further. It's like trying to stitch hamburger back on the cow, or nail jello to the wall, direct action is not required, and it is incredibly ineffective.

So what was the answer? That was the simplest of all. It isn't to not give into emotion - that is far too direct, the cow is in enough pain as it is, no point in trying to gacet it's pride back onto it, it'll heal if you just leave it the fuck alone. Nor is it to give into emotion, plunge the nails into the jello all you like and all you'll do is add rust to your desert, what a fine time that'll make for.

You are like a cow. You have feelings and things can hurt, but when you are injured the last thing you do is try to treat the open wound five million different ways. Instead, take your medicine, and the nurse will bring you jello.

The key is oneness with yourself, and with the world around you. Buddhist as it may be, the answer is supprizingly simple. Enjoy life, pay attention, and just because you skin your knee you don't have to sit there and think about every single action you made up to that point that led you to that problem so you can fix it. If you spend all your time looking up or down for cause you'll only bring aout the same effect, hamburger stitched knees with rusty jello. Trying to actively have fun is like nailing jello to a wall. If it were ment to be that way everyone would be an archer. Clearly that can't be the answer.

So where is the motivation? Tomorrow is now. The past is the present yesterday. That should be enough motivation for anyone.

So now that there is motivation, the goals come into play. Good times are comming, they are going, but most importantly of all: They're staying.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

The decision is made.

I'm leaving a lot of things behind. Music. Love. Friends. Family. Hope. Fear.

I'm starting school and leaving my hobbies out of it. For the next decade of my life I will be studying as hard as I possibly can. I will graduate with honors. I will fix my credit. I will finish stripping away the childishness of my self and accept responsibility for my life. I will conduct myself as an adult for the rest of my life. I will not attempt to pretend to be good with people. I will not attempt to be wise any longer. I will leave the stupid things I want alone. I will force myself to deal with the things I need. I will not back down from myself any further. From today forward I am no longer going to fool myself into thinking I can become everything. My mind is made up.

I'm going to accomplish three goals in my life time. I will attain enlightenment. I will acheive the rank of 10th dan in kendo. I leave proof of my existance before I die by letting the people who know me serve as my epitaph - my tombstone will bear no story.

The starcross project is no longer to be released. It will be buried with me. This is the time to do life. It does not lie in planning, it lies in action. I talk alot, and do very little. That changes and it starts now.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

A new start.

Setting aside want from need is never easy but at long last I want to deal with my needs. It's a mind numbing experiance, confronting your past. All of the stupid things I've done are now on a long list of things to rectify. Step one, master my home life, or atleast attain some level of proficency. My family has always lacked discipline. My experiance in Florida has shown me the strength in myself that I always knew I had. I just never had the chance to use that strength. Now with my father and I on closer to equal terms it's easier to be the leader in the family. With his knees being replaced and my own life advancing it seems he's begun to recognize that I'm the next him. My ambition towards his home have taken him aback.

Since I've been home in Utah, going on a week, I've pulled two stumps, mowed the lawn, laid plans for a chain link fence, and pruned one huge fuckin bean tree. With plans to demolish the shed, garage and green house, rebuild them and through a zen/vegetable garden into the mix... well - he's enthusiastic.

Having already found the next shitty phone-jockey job work was easy to attain thanks to experiance, so now debt attention is the focus of my finances. After that it's all about tuition. It's going to be interesting here in logan, but I have many things to do in these comming years, most of which will allow me to become more genuine of character. I am eager.

Emotionally I'm still in withdrawl, I miss Karla. For me I'm able to deal with it, but I still fell it. I don't expect I'll be heading into any long term relationships any time soon though. The wings need to rest before I take to the sky again. Besides, I'll have next to no time for it anyhow.

Mentally I remain alert and focused, much more calm. The focus has zoomed out quite abit though, the details are less important. Still, I enjoy the small things.

At anyrate, life has become more serious, so I'm taking it more serious, but less seriously than I've taken life so far. The irony.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

An unsettling sense of peace.

I've often wondered what life would be like if I weren't around, if I weren't alive. To day I finally managed to get online after roughly 6 months of down time. So many people, most of which I had assumed wouldn't remember me or even care that i was back messaged me all at once to convey welcome.

I've always tried not to get attatched to things, to people, to places, anything. I hate getting my hopes up and watching things come crashing down if I don't know how to correct an error I've made. I have always fear experience because I hate to be embarressed. Now though with my new found love of surfing I make an ass of my self every living day, but now when I make a mistake I'm more worried about the rip tide than I am about the people on the beach laughing their asses off.

I've looked at my life, and lately I've been noticing that I tend to try and out class myself. When someone tells me it'll be difficult for a beginner it's almost as if I know thats the right path for me to take - the hard way. Always the hard way. but, I have learned on the hard way that once the science of something is learned, the variables are simple to manipulate.

Then I looked at the things I have interest in, and I've found I have expensive taste, and expensive hobbies. Then I looked at my station in life, and found that I'm deffinately the odd duckling. I've decided to get two full time jobs in the airport in an attempt to salveage whats left of my credit and put my self in school. All of the stupid bullshit that I've put myself through has tought me one thing - I'm an idiot. The hard way is not always the right way. In fact the more static you get - the further off base you are in most cases. I always loved solo things, hated - truely hated the group dynamic. Now though, I feel this strange urge to plunge myself into it - head first, learn how to appreciate, and deal with people, how to learn how to like people.

Strange as it may seem all of the study I did in self denial had the effect I wanted to - but I had to restart the hard way on a few levels, a few different times before it started to make sense. Now, here in florida, I see the world stage, and my entrance too it. Now I just have to be man enough to take my lumps of embarressment and make my way through it. I was so weak minded before - so fragile emotionally. Now theres so much fire under my ass financially, that I'm willing to suffer almost any embarressment thats leagel to find releif from it and attain stability - genuine stability.

IT's sad but it means cutting social ties for a while and focusing on one thing and one thing only - work. But It's good, because now I know how precious and music and the martial arts are too me, what it means to find something you like, like enjoying surfing - god I love to surf - and I understand so many things, that I had just preteneded to be familiar with before like they were these grand mysteries that so many people are unaware of - like what leadership and management is.

I've been such a stupid fuck it's not even funny. but, I've made almost every mistake in the book and managed to get back in the saddle, and lead my self further down the road to self discovery and understanding. I'm able to see through bullshit like i've got built in radar now - because I can see someone else telling me shit I told someone who is like me as I am now - and I see wh at I was in that person back then. I reel in embarrassment and kinda laugh at t he same time and the phrase "been there done that" comes banging into my head.

So now that I've had my humble pie it's time to move on and stop analyzing the details and pay more attention to the dynamics of life and learn to surf them. But before I do, I should make peace with who I was, and to the people I've offended. I've got em all but for one, and I'm going to write him a letter now. Hope he's not too upset.

Anyhow. Later world.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Watching The Petals Fall.

I have perhaps 18 or so autumns in memory, vivid, wonderful, vibrant memories. I always loved watching hte leaves change color, and slowly, one by one give way to the wind and sail away to the ground below. I always enjoyed that, it was the one thing in life that gave me peace as a child. Through out all of the self imposed agony because I wanted to be someone, to count for something with all the things in my mind.

With Karla parting with child hood now, it's funny to watch because I see her constantly comming through the tides... It's amazing to watch her, she struggles, gets discouraged, takes a step back, and asks questions (Some of which I never asked at those points in life.) She is so incredibly intelligent and talented, it's absolutely remarkable to watch her unerstanding of life change and mature. What i find even more amazing to bear whitness to is watching her overcome those obsticles with anyones help, and with out losing a part of her. Just like the cracking sounds you hear in the trees in autumn when a brance looses all of it's leaves and the bark of the tree on the top of the branch begins to buckle, you can see her windy child hood buckle and shift, but it is still there. The posture she has in her face has changed since she solved her first koan "what was your original face before your parents birth". I wrote it in the form of a picture puzzle in her sketch book. I titled the work "The Center Of The Clouded Mind". She managed to figure it out. All those child hood leaves shook off the tree alll at once. It was amazing to watch.


Karla though reminded me more of a Sakura tree which never sheds it's leaves completely, but it does shed the petals of it's blossoms, and that truely is an awesome sight. I'm hoping not next year, but the year after, to take her on vacation to Japan to show her. ^_^

Anyhow, I'm outta here.

Sunday, September 21, 2003

Every Now and Then

I've landed a Job. I've found a room mate. Now I just need to get the Financial Aid stuff wrapped up and I"m in school. Viola.

But aside from the structure of living alot of things have happened. She and I had a break through today that most people I know of have never experianced. She figured out what she was today, and by virtue of that, has acknowledged that her child hood is at an end. In 5 weeks she'll be a legal adult. Fotuneately for her she's come to the adult mind before the adult body. I wonder how much differently her life will be as she progresses, because of todays events. I think I'm going to steal the pages in her sketch book and have them laminated and framed. I think that a few decades from now she'll see those as an aniversery gift and I hope the provide her with strength and encouragement, so she can see that her foundation is still remarkably firm and solid.

More than that though, the film of childishness about her, that outer layer of innocence faded the second she figured it out. Admitidly I helped guide her to the answer, but she did all of the mental movements on her out, completely without my spelling it out for her. She acheived excelled enlightenment today, but not in zen terms, simply in terms of function - she now understands how to shift her mental gears now. Some what later down the road, maybe next year after her first year of school when she's settled into how life will treat her on her own, when she's gotten some thicker skin, then we'll move onto Recognizing when to shift the gears, and when not to - and in effect of that experiance, she will understand why we shift gears mental. Then she will know what the different gears are, and where there work best, and her mind will be able to move simply, and easily, unattatched and gracefully.

I myself just finishing that particular journey, I find that watching her start this path to be both incredibly wonderful, and dreadful. Wonderful because her life is going to bloom and become something so vivid and grand that words, no matter how well chosen or put, won't ever completely capture the beauty in which her life will take shape. Dreadful in the sense that the innocence of child hood and the endless wonder and viriety are all going to pass and then again in the sense that the world can be outright dangerous.

I wonder a great deal about my life, but I wonder most often now, what role to take as he boyfriend, as she walks through this gauntlet... I know I have the ability to guard her, but I wonder if I should. Financially she is not my responsibility, and yet I know if she needs something taken care of that I'll gladly want to do it, with out a second thought... but is that the right action? Do I let her ruin her credit and her financial options and then grow back from that? Or do I simply say, let me take care of it?

I think perhaps the way I'll handle it is let her make the mistake and then simply explain how to fix it there and then and just outright insist that she do it - not because she should, but because even if we don't work out she'll always be my friend and I've learned from Jeff as a friend, the BEST thing I can do is help by not helping. But thats still twice removed from the problem. Now I have to deal with the first tangent and that is simply nothing more than leadership. The manner in which she sees me manage my money is probably the best way for her to figure out on her own how to manage her own money. I don't wanna be married and when it comes to money I just go "Let me handle it" - I don't want to impune her ability to have control over her life - I hated it when my parents did that to me.

What about all the other elements of life? dealing wtih people? Systems? Government? Temptation? Again to lead by example is the best way I can think of. This puts alot of preasure on me. Not only because I've gotta take care of my own stuff, I have my own financial issues, housing, edjucation, family to deal with, plus her, and her family and the added responsibility of making sure their all happy and safe. My role in life is three fold, to be a gaurdian, a teacher, and a provider. All of this can be summed up in one word - Father.

So how to I still acheive all the other things I want in life? I've already shelved my loftly notion of ever making money with music, and Karla told me to pick one thing that I had to do no matter what. I told her that it was her - to have a family with her. She said no, something for me. So I chose swordsmanship. I wanted to chose Zen - but I don't want zen over Karla, and Zen wouldn't just consume this life time, it would consume ALL life times. A lifetime without Karla would be unbearable. An eternity with out her? I can't even think about what that would be like... every grain in my mind, the very fiber of my soul wont tolerate the notion, it's so forigen to my mind that it's rejected, surrounded, destroyed, encased, compressed and repressed into a tiny iron ball that I'll sit on until the end of time. I'd rather have her than air. It may sound extreme, and it's probably not rational, but I understand it perfectly.

So I've chosen kendo/iaido. I still have lots of other goals though, I'd like to build my own guitar and amp someday, I'm going to be a resteraunt owner, an entertainment company owner, I'm going to travel around some more with her. I'm going to get best edjucation for my kids that I can afford and when I'm in my 50's theeen I'll worry about what I want. I don't give a damn now - I have what I want for now, for the next 25 years I'm content. granted I'l still wanna move fast, keep myself trained for the extremes and give my self challenges between now and then, but for now I'm going to be a cook - and thats not rocket science. This is the time that I need to pay attention with, this is where it counts the most. Same goes for her, but she's gotta understand why on her own. When I get older then I'll look back at what I did now, and look to her and say "Back then I knew where I'd be now, and thats what got me here".

And when i'm 80, I'll read this 'every now and then' and laugh.. and probably grab her butt, I'll be a dirty old man with a cane, probably. never know - maybe I'll still be teaching Kendo. *l*

Later.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Finally Free

She made it. All this time I've been walking on the edge of a knife worrying about hurricanes, hi-jackings, missed flights, running out of gas, car trouble, and every other god damned thing that could possible go wrong and nothing happened. Thank heaven.

It's funny how getting what you want with out any problems makes you appreciate the true meaning of patience. I know what it is, but it's funny how a practical excerize in the function will not increase your ability to use that function, but appreaciate it all the more. It makes the big things easier to take and the little things easier to ignore. It's like RAM. But with out the unscrewing your housing part... WE ARE BORG.

Minty crack wweeeeeeeeeee o0

So now she's here, leaning on my shoulder ... with what felt like her nose (we've been crying, mental note, wash sweat shirt [booger stuff?]) mmmmm mucas. o0

I have to ask my self if I understand what I'm doing. Why I'm here, and what it means in terms of change and adapatibility in my life. What am I going to part ways with, and what will I come across that's worth keeping sight of, and whats worth holding on to. There are so many things that trail and streamline the imagination. Cognition is the birth of life, and necessity the mother of invetion. We think there for we are, and need therefore we build.

I think there for I am and need therefore I've built. I've built a bridge into another world, one that operations on a set of rules I don't know, and speaks a langauge in which the only word I know is ... Taco. I have work to do. Tomorrow will be where I've gotta make sure my steps land in place and in time. I've gotta make sure my actions and timing are exactly where they need to be. In this new world I have a number of things to locate and recognize, and deal with.

Finally though, the chapter of instibility and self doubt has come to a close, and I've managed to jettison the thorn in my hoof that wouldn't allow me to walk on with out problems. The arrogance, and ignorance of my youth has given way to the endless nexus of Love that just happened to come my way. I'm finally free of all the misery, and all the hate. The anger and frustration I felt when i failed in the fast I'm finally able to let go of. I'm able to let go of everything now. I'm not caught up in the form any longer. Substance changes form, I understand this now. ^_~

But enough blabbin'. I've got work to do.

Love you Karla.

- Later world.

Saturday, September 13, 2003

Turning Pages

It's now roughly 24 hours untill she arrives her in Florida. I've never felt so impatient in my life, and yet at my age, I fully recognize that it's just me being impatient. I'm sitting here, in this wicker chair... thing, typing away with my eyes rivetted on the clock just wishing that it would move faster. I'm going NUTS. o0

In other news it's raining.

God I can't focus, but I want to , I can't settle down. It's like there's a knot in my head that I can't get undone, the more I try to settle down the tighter it gets and it HURTS. I don't know if it's just all this stuff that's going on, being homeless, unemployeed, etc. Or if it's me missing Karla, or a combination of them or something else all together. I just want everything to sort out and go. I need it too. Everything is riding on my shoulders right now. It's solely my responsibility for how my life turns out and I know that this is my shot, and I can't afford to blow it.

I sound like a nervous wreck - but I'm not nervous. I'm confident. But enough time waisting. I've got a spanish book to finish. Later.

Monday, September 08, 2003

Reflections

I've spoken with Karla everyday since I got back from Puerto Rico, and again since I arrived in Florida. I miss her so much it's perhaps unhealthy. My dependance upon her presence in my life is unmistakbly irreversible and undeniable. Most would say this is going to far, but I'd say that there are perhaps too few who ever dared try it, and of that minority, the vast majority did not understand love. I do not know what the future holds, I don't worry about finding out; what ever happens, happens.

Regardless of planning, of preperation, of attention, of diligence, and vigilance, people will continually fail at one thing or another, no matter how hard or how long they have practiced. I make mistakes daily, if i did not life would not only be complete, life would be pretty damn dull. Love is perhaps the quintesential delusion, in which you think one person caught in a dream cares for you just as much as you want to think you care about them.

However, this is the laymans view of love, something external and tangible - as if joy were some sort of stream lined blanket of spandex that you could slink into, and forget about it, while you behaved the exact same way you did before, just "with love" - much in the same manner every time I turn on a TV or see a bottle of laundry detergent on a shelf in the store the words "new color safe bleaching action" always seem to be tucked in a cornern on some shiney little lable that millions of people will buy into simply because they were "told so".

Love, is perhaps a similar proposistion, in that yes there is bleach, and it is color safe, but it's not some blanket policy that suits every fabric everytime in every situtation - Love - True Love, is far more precise. Not in that theres some special kind of bleach, but that someone, somewhere, for a very specific reason, added that amount of bleach to the detergent to perform a specific function, and does it in just the right armount and in the right circumstances, and only when time merits that it is to be done so - it's not quite so universal a concept as gravity, or night and day- although there certainly are elements of Love that do share those eternal traits.

But as I reflect on what I know, what I've known, and walk into the present moment carving my future a day at a time, Love seems to be the only true constant among all the imperminant things I face day to day. So as I reflect upon my dearest Karla, and call her each day, the present moment remains golden, but the comets tail is always in view, and is always beautiful - just like the ionic tail that you can only see with a radio telescope... the blue tail with a black backdrop.

I love you, Karla, and I always will.

Sunday, September 07, 2003

On Change.

Papa's Got A Brand-New Bag! o0

So I've landed in Miami for the time being. Looking to fix that whole homeless problem this week. Fixed the work problem, just need an address for the job application. I may just ask Mama Grisel if she'll let me list her's and then change it when i've got mine. Lots of things are changing though, most noticable how I thought about Karla. Each new person I get to know in her family has a different view of her, and the praises keep on comming - it's amazing how smitten they are with her. When Karla's Great Grand Mother foud out I drove 2600 miles in 2 days or so she was like O_O!? X_x "... he's in love... my baby karla so lucky!!!" o0 and I was just like "uh... no - me lucky o0?"

I guess everyones lucky and special? But apart from the ever broadening view of Karla (which I enjoy like no man can.) I've also undertaken a number of changes. Aside from the customary changes, like wardobe, sleeping hours, time zones, and area mental maps; My wardobe has changed, my ever increasing vocabulary of spanish words grows daily, my knowledge of the quid pro quo in modern latin society is gaining and I find that I'm able to walk easier here for some reason. Maybe it's these raised heel sandals her mom gave me, and maybe it's just me letting go. But so much is changing and it's not frightening anymore - although this hair cut is absolutely HORRID. o0 I look chinese... ;__;


Apart from that, i've gotta get some things squared away tomorrow and quickly. I have to mail out my car payment. I have to call my old phone service and deactivate it, and then I have to find an apartment between the school and the dorms. After that, head to guitar center and samash, turn in apps, and then get my phone service turned on there.

Theeeen I get to find a new insurrance agent, and fill out that scholarship crap for Uncle Edgar. And theeeeeeen hopefully Karla will be here on sunday AND THIS BUSY I JUST MOVED HERE HELL CRAP WILL STOP!

I'm not upset though, I'm diggin' it o0 . Anyhow, must call parents and karla.

Off like a promdress!
-Will

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Last day in Utah

GLORY GLORY HALEJHFUCKINGLUAJAH!? or some shit.

It's one of those, I'm leavin, I'll miss shit, but holy fuck is it good to know I"m 60 miles from the boarder. On the other hand it's... 2600 miles. I hate driving alone. Oh well *l* Realistically I don't give a damn though, I"m gaining more by leaving than by staying and there is sooo much to look forward too. Two things I'll miss, My friends, and the mountains. OTher than that - in 6 hours it's allll be hind me.

Later ya'll it's power nap time. o0 weeeeeeee

- W-bot.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

On reaching ones goals: Made it!!!

HOLY SHEEP SHIT!!!

What a rush. I'm floating on air. I checked my balance today and I'm not a poor man! ^_^ I could cry. I'm going to be able to move. I'm going to be near my darling Karla. I have three guitars, and two amps to sell today, and then I'll be getting my ass outta here in two weeks! I'm gonna go shower right now - and then pack up the bass, guitar, and the amps and head down to Musician's Friend and give notice. Ooooh I can't wait. ^_^

Anyhow, I'll blog more later. My sisters wedding was a blast too. ^_^

Later world

Karla: ^^ I love you.

Saturday, August 16, 2003

On patient persistance: Part II

Hah! Modem made it. On the downside her computer is going tits up shortly and they're moving back to windows 98 and it's probably not going to last - that computers crappy!.

Anyhow, off to work with me.

Friday, August 15, 2003

On patient persistance.

For the last week I've been going absolutely insane trying to get my girlfriends modem to her because thanks to the "enhancements" I had made to her system on my visit to her home two weeks ago, her computer no longer supported the built in modem - crappy.

So being a little nervous about it I up and bought a new modem for her, and sent it over night last thursday - shoulda been there friday right? Heh, well not exactly.

I ordered from Creative Labs directly - no love. None at all. They didn't even ship the damned thing untill Tuesday of this week because when I called there was some sorta billing problem that took them a day to get their shit together and fix??? LAME! - and in stead of shipping it overnight, they sent it 2nd day air - for a Thursday delivery. So then it gets fucked up in the warehouse, and they Cut off the first line of her address and I spent all day today calling UPS trying to get the right address on her package and insisted till I was blue in the face that it be delivered TODAY.

So I called em up, bitched, got some answers and then called Creative back and said "So uh... refund my shipping there bub, it's a week late..." so they did. Great. Buuuuuuut, UPS woudln't guarentee the package to be delivered today and said probably monday. So I went a level higher and said "yo, 2nd day air was yesterday pal - deliver it and do it now!!!" o0 So they're suppose to be doing that now. They have 50 minutes and counting to get shit fixed or monday by gumbo I'm gonna call and scream at someone - politely.

Problem number two with this damned hastle is this - She's got a power outage right now and can't install the damned thing. I could strangle puppies - what a SHITTY DAY!!!!!!. o0 So if it gets there today, HOPEFULLY if her power is on by tomorrow I'll get to hang out with her and talk. o0 and if not, I'm going to fly off the handle monday.

A third concern is my move. The bloody place I wanted to rent taken! They offered me a second choice but it's not as close I'm not happy *grrr* - Anyhow, it could be worse. I"m sure there are plenty of places to live out there, and one of them is bound to be near her. I'll find it.

Anyhow, I got rid of my fender hotrod deville 410, traded for a Cordoba C5-CE with hardshell case. o0 I wanted some money too, but when I remembered how fragile the guitar was I was like naaaaaaah, case please ^_^. o0 I love this guitar! Shitty thing is the electronics don't work on it, which chaps my ass big time I wanted to record with it. But I'll save that hastle for some other time - I'm a busy guy.

Damnit.


So what has all this shit taught me? One, screaming doesn't solve anything. I haven't screamed, I've just been firm, and very very persistant - I didn't take no for an answer, and in 45 minutes I'll see what it got me. What else? Well I've learned that it's not the end of the world even if it does feel like it. Patience in me is developing, even though I have many many good reasons to want to get the most from my time. I make good use of my time and I'm not happy about waiting, but I did get my laundry done, dishes done, apartment cleaned, garbage taken out, and the stuffing I made came out pretty well.

Anyhow, it's been a shitty day, but at good one, sorta. I'm gonna go check the mail, and then log off, let my poor phone recharge and nap before work. Later ya'll

Note to Karla: Love ya babe ^_~

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

All the details.

I'll be giving notice soon. Getting rid of hot rod for a cordoba (weeeee!) and the marshall for anything I can get ^_^. Guitars and bed sleeping with my dad for now. o0 everything else gets packed up and moved with me. I'm so friggin excited I can't wait. I found me a nice little apartment thing, and a job thats just waaay better than what I have currently. So yeah, life is going to be great. 25 grand to 38 grand, new place, ocean waves, awesome girlfriend and future family, school - LIFE!!!

I'm so freakin happy it's not even funny. BUt yeah, off with me.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Plans.

It's been official for a while now, but I'm now more assured than ever before that I'm making the right decision in moving. Things will be much different when I leave and I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait to get out of here. Just a few more loose ends to tie up and that'll get me outta here. I'm incredibly excited. Soon life will have a new meaning and I'll have all the things I've needed for so long to make sense of my world.

I figure the time has come to do away with my crutches. I've got the knowledge and experiance, the support is within me now. And there is someone watching out for me now. I'm happy. So very very happy. But, enough day dreaming, I need to get myself offline and record some music before work.

Later world.

Karla: ^_~ Love ya babe!

Saturday, August 02, 2003

My Vacation.

Finally have a bit of time to reflect on my experiance. I miss that feeling of being fulfilled so much it hurts. I feel empty inside - but atleast I'm feeling - and that means I'm awake, aware and alive. I fell in love, learned about life, saw new things and learned about a whole other way of life. One that I enjoy dearly.
It was so breath taking. Amazing. I don't know where to start.

The day I got to the air port I wasn't really as nervous as I thought I would be. It took a while to get my luggage, but when I got past the security check point and headed outside.... she jumped... like 2 feet in the air. I'd never had anyone so happy to see me in my entire life I was just like "Thats gotta be here... she's jumping... waving.. smiling.. o0 wow!" and then I got on the side walk and she came running at me and gave me the biggest hug I'd ever had in my life up to that point. o0 I was like "THIS IS THE ONE!" o0

Then I met her mom, her dad, and we drove to Old San Jaun. We walked around for a while. I got a history lesson or two and then they ate at a sandwhich shop. Then we drove to her home. Her home in Bayamon wasn't at all what I thought it would be - it was a 3 room home with 2 bathrooms and a small patio in back. It was the coziest place I've ever been in my life. We sat around and talked for a while, and I got my stuff situated for what would be the best week of my life to date.

We stayed up pretty late that night talking. I talked with Waldo, Karla's Father, and Griselle her Mother for hours. We hit it off pretty well, laughed a lot - and had many of the same ideas and attitudes. I was pleased. I felt like I had a second home. I did too - it was amazing how openly they let me in to their home they weren't nervous or shy or anything it was weird. Still I couldn't shake the awkward feeling. I never knew what having a family full of warmth and care felt like... I had this nervousness creeping through me the whole time. It shook off the next day though.

When I woke up the next day it was like I was 7 years old again, breakfeast was being cooked and hte most adorible sleepy Karla in pj's was yawning walking down the hall way.. o0 I wanted to cry. We got up and talked. I picked up the classical g uitar and started playing and then Waldo decided he was gonna give me a lesson. I was so incredibly thankful for that. He gave me this sheet of information. I swear to god - once you know your chords - this sheet is like the holy grail of guitar knowledge - well just musical knowledge, but for the guitarist it comes in incredibly handy. I was like "THANK YOU!!! THE ANSWERS!!!" And now I practice my ass off hoping that the next time I meet the waldo I won't be so crappy a guitarist.

It's been a week since the vacation and things are getting blurry, only the most important and vivid things stand out, and I can't remember every detail. I suppose that's as it should be though. I remember two quotes from my favorite movie - The Crow. "Little things always used to mean so much to Shelly - things that I'd thought were kind of trivial. Trust me, nothing is trivial..." and then again at the end of the movie where the interview with Brandon Lee is played where he quotes someone else whom I can't remember the name of. The quote goes, "Because we do not know when we will die, we think of life as an inexhaustable well." He then went on to say, though I don't know if this is still from his source as he was quoting; "And yet everything happens a certain number of times, and very small number really. How many more times will you remember an afternoon of your childhood thats so deeply a part of your being you couldn't think of life with out it? How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps, 20 - and yet it all seems limitless."

It's funny that those to quotes come to mind. I'll never be able to think of my life with out this vacation in it... but I've forgotten so much of it already. The things that I really remember? My first day there when I met her at the air port. The first kiss in the park. The walk infront of El Morro, making out on the grass. Helping her down the rocks afterward. The day I told her I loved her. Meeting Waldo's friends in a bohemian get to gether. Meeting her extended family, holding her asleep in my lap on the way home. The waterfall in El Yunce and the ride home sleeping shoulder on shoulder with her... Our last night in Old San Jaun, walking through the city, kissing, feeding pidgeons, laughing, making out on the point bench for hours... Shopping for computer parts for her computer.

It was such a wonderful wonderful time, and all I have are pictures to remember her by. Well not really. I have her. ^_^ I'm moving soon to be near her, even though it's proving to be an uphill battle getting the finances in order. It's worth it though. I'll be happier there thats for sure. I can't stand utah.

At anyrate, I wrote a song about the whole thing. The introduction is pretty somber and forboding, but it clears up. I'd equate it to my search to find myself, trying to find my way through the dark. Making mistakes and failing, feeling vuenerable and off balance. As things go on it starts to pull itself out, and a genuine sense of understanding and progress happens. Then it gets very upbeat and triumphant - I figured out what it was I needed, what I wanted, where I was, what I had to do to get where I wanted to be - as well as recognizing the path I'd come. I named the song "Look Up" - after the advice my darling Raven haired girl, Karla, gave to me.

The second time we went to old San Jaun I took pictures of the land scape like crazy. I was pointing a tiny section of the landscape that I thought was so beautiful and I highlighted it for her with my hand on the horizon and then she grabbed my head and pulled me back some and batted my hands down and said two words "Look Up!" and highlighted the whole scene with her arm. - I realized then she knew the right answer and that I while I wasn't wrong to look at something, there was soooo much more there than what I'd been aiming to find. My reason for looking was so incredibly short sighted and it was gut wrenching when i realized just how narrowly I viewed the world.

When it was all said and done and I needed a title for that song, those words came ringing through like a golden arrow from heaven and it hit me right in the heart. I've decided that if there was one thing in the world that was true - it was what she examplified that day. She knows how to live, and I have soooo much work to do to catch up to her. It's funny that I had to wait 5 years to date her, and now I'm dramatically behind her already! *l*

All in all though... it was a magical trip. There were so many elements that will season my mind for many years to come from this trip, and I'll never forget them. Some what saddening is the knowledge that it will eventually fade from memory, and I'll have nothing but a picture to remind myself about it, and at some point even the pictures may do no good. Fortunately though there is one element of this trip that will remain strong and vibrant through out my life time and well into the next - and that is her. I love her dearly and will do everything it takes to keep her in my life.

I remember yesterday or the day before we were talking about De Ja Vu, and dreams, past life times and the eternity of living and existance. About the soles and the generations of life that we've lived already... I know she's my soul mate, I know that she'll be the one for me through out time and eternity... and I know why I love her. Words, not even zen, could explain this, even though it's largely a zen principle. It's funny, but theres no point in worrying about it. We're bodhisattvas and lovin it ^_~.

Anyhow. I'm going to work on our song some more. Karla - If you're at Ari's house and you're reading this. I love you. ^_^

Sunday, July 27, 2003

Oh, one more thing.

Remember to tell her you love her before you go. Because you do.

On Life.

As I sit here now it's almost ten PM Puerto Rican time, in effect, 8 pm my time. That word, time. What a useful useful word. It doesn't mean anything I thought it did though. I can't believe I had so many preconceived notions on what time was, what it was for, what it was about, why we have it, had it, lost it, forgot about it, ... that one work, along with a plethora of other words. Respect, Honor, Loyalty, Trust, Viture, Understanding, Realization, Wisdom, Hatred, Anger, Happyness, - Love.

These are elements I'd thought I knew the meanings of, the deffinition, and application of each. Being here, letting ocean water carry my foot prints away into the sea, breathing the air as thick as can be. The sea breeze is so sensual. The way it's depicted in movies and books, stories of any kind... It all pales in comparison to the genuine article. Even the grass is so much different here. Sharing a kiss on the spikey grass infront of the Wall of El Morro with the sun setting behind the wall... I can't even describe the way it felt. Imagine Will, years from now reguardless of what may happen your dream of the Raven Hair Girl you never could see the face of was with YOU -there- doing exactly what your dream described. The irony is you couldn't ever tell what it was you were doing there, or with who. Your own idiotic behavior placed so many attatchments to that dream it became unhealthy - dangerous even. But - lucky for you my Karma king, it worked out. YOu got extremely lucky. You plane didn't crash, you didn't have any problems with anyone, - you entered into a whole new realm of people who's minds function completely differently from your own - it's a whole different spectrum of thought - one you discarded as nonsese. My dear William - you're an idiot.

But - You still figured it out. The dumbest of things oftne cause you to become dissatisfied with the world around you. The phrase "how can one fool make another wise" applies most significantly when applied along the lines of introversion. There was nothing outside you that could have made you better. Infact - the only thing it did was stir up the contents of your self making it even -harder- to see light purely, on a single plain. Everything you wanted to see so clearly, got skewed and distorted because your mind kept trying to go outside it'self .

YOU met Karla long time ago. And because of your feelings about her, you kept yourself in stand by mode for a long long time. YOu dated kate because you couldn't date Karla. You didn't go to school early on the premis of not wanting to lose your "innocence" when in fact you'd discarded that a long time ago - and like a hard boiled egg, just assumed your soft skin still in the shape of innoence was infact innocence. That was your quintisential mistake - and it sent you spinning my friend.

YOu got even more used to this extreme form of mind because of the narrow sight you allowed yourself to exhibit as a result of not questioning your surroundings - following blindly and staring at your feet constantly because "someone told you to".

Somewhere, somehow, you found a tool - Guitar. and it helped you settle back down, but it wasn't enough and you went spinning faster and harder. You were confused though - you thought that THIS was progress, when in fact you were farther and farther from the truth. It's like centrifigal force. Actions that are normal under rotational force feel more natrual the more pressure is put upon you. Centrifigal force however is -not- a normal frame of mind for a human to exhibit - it smears, warps and distorts the actuality, making your reality like some kind of psychodelic dream to which no answer makes sense. When that ball breaks free of the chain though, all of that action is changed from rotational to linier - and OFF YOU GO. You suddenly allow your mind to latch to -one- thing - nothing ness. It landed you in Puerto Rico, pretty hard do. Griselle called you her "Son" atleast 7 times today alone, and probly a dozen or so more times since you've been here.

Even Karla's Father Waldo treats you like a son. You and Karla, whether you make it or not, have some of the best examples of how people "should be" - and perhaps karmaiacly - or just out of plain old coincidence - it happened very close to the equator - the middle of the planet. YOu and your stupid notions of being the best always drove you to extreems. Too far north, too hard, not at all, to hot, too cold, you've never been able to just sit the fuck down and relax. - And then you hear Karla in Old San Jaun "Look Up". Waldo showed you so many things you didn't know about the guitar it almost made you cry. Griselle showed you the kind of playfulness your own mother has never had, and the kind of warmth and charm you always wanted in a mother. Karla's extended family on her mothers side, the Torres Family if memory serves, also showed you the things you were searching for. How a family should be close, how they should unite. You've never placed any importance on family - well place some now. Decide Will. Think hard, but not too hard. The signals are allll around you - LOOK UP. YOu know how now. You've planted a seed in your mind finally - something real, and something worth while. Now bury it and this time - TAKE CARE OF IT. It's a living thing - just like what you thought you had in that stupid dream world of yours where Steve Vai was god and guitar was the religeon. That place does not exist - and it never will. The thing that "Hand On Heart" meant to you wasn't salvation, or grace, or care. It was Reference. YOu've always been a litteral guy. Hand on heart was your bearings. You've always over thought things - and cluster fucked the simplest of things - you can't even win a game of tic-tac-toe because you over think so often. You are litteral, Become abstract. In your own mind you left a warning for yourself. You -knew- even when you were a small child that your emotions, how you felt, what you wanted, that was what you valued over everything else. Hand on heart means HAND ON HEART. - The thing you held onto most - the center of the centrifigal force you put yourself through. That ball at the end of the chain? It was acctually in the center the whole time - the ball you thought that broke free when you solved that Koan "What is the sound of one hand clapping" - your answer was "My Mind". In zen terms yes, thats true. You're not very zen will. Stop trying to be a master. You're not that calibur a person initially, masters take -years-. LIFE TIMES to become so - you're not that old - so stop shooting your mouth off, just practice. You know your heart is was you follow, so follow it. Don't be stupid, you know what that means too . But don't over think shit. Just stay in the middle and for the love of everything and anything that is sweet and holy in this world DO NO FUCK UP THIS TIME!!!!

- On a brighter note, she's leaning on your shoulder and hasn't slapped you yet - So far so good eh? ^_~ that'll be the lecturing you'll need for a good many years to come. Show some gratitude boy! be Proud, Stand tall - but REMEMBER TO LOOK UP!!!!!!!!

Now go. You're on vacation - dork.